Posts Tagged ‘ Whole Foods ’

I Hate Me, Part 119,014

After two days of not going to Foodtown, we needed apples so back I went. Foodtown had some shitty apples, it was like mush with an apple skin around it. Now as many of you know from my many apple based novels (including my most recent The Quantonium Gambit: A Red Apple Mystery featuring farming detective Hiram “Red” Apple) that I’m a red apple man. Not so much green apples, they look unripe and I’ve heard they’re full of poison. Anyhow to make a long story even more boring, I went to Whole Foods for apples. They have a good selection of apples (red apples) and although they’re a little pricey, where else can you get apples the size of pumpkins. It was also dinnertime so I went to the hot food carved meats section. They seemed understaffed and the guy in front of me was amazingly indecisive. Here’s the set up, it was about 7:30pm and they didn’t have a lot left; roast turkey, macaroni & cheese, carrots, mashed potatoes, and for some reason chicken wings. The guy was asking for things that weren’t there, like he would shame them into magically producing what he wanted. “mmmmm roast turkey…. Yeah, you don’t have any of that pork loin do you…. Yeah, that’s good stuff” “No sir, we ran out. I’m sorry” “Yeah… that’s too bad ‘cause that pork loin was real good…You don’t have any pot roast there do ya.” I left before I caved in his head with a soup ladle. So I went to the hot food buffet, Whole Foods usually has a good Chicken Tikki Masala. Unfortunately by this time of the night the serving dish for the Tikki Masala was just sauce. Restock the Tikki Masala pond with chicken or shut it down! I also had to pick up some decaf tea for my wife. I know that tea is a now a super specialized item but all I needed was basic Lipton’s decaf. Carrie had bought a decaf tea that was apple cinnamon flavored that tasted like flavors of food that astronauts would eat (“Try this space goo, it’s should taste like apple cinnamon” “rrrrRRRRaaaaaLLLLffffkoffkoffkoff…uuuuhhhh” “well, we have to tweak the flavor nodules a little”). Whole Foods doesn’t carry anything as pedestrian as Lipton’s. Maybe they bleach their tea bags, or filter their tea with orphan tears, I don’t know why. So it was kind of a workout finding regular decaf tea. Yeah, this rutabaga vermilion tea doesn’t have caffeine, but does it taste like tea? How about pine needle and offal tea? I finally found some normal decaf and the long national nightmare was over.

I Hate Me, Part 241,893

not for amateurs

not for amateurs

I was on my own for dinner and near Whole Foods so I thought I should eat something healthy and I went in for a salad. Without putting too fine a point on it, I’m not the healthiest eating guy around but I’m trying (pause for Oprah moment). Whole Foods has real good food but they’re very expensive, also they make you feel like you’re not doing enough for the planet, “[a sign saying] Are you recycling the ink from the labels from the cans you’re recycling? If not why not” and sometimes they’re a bit self congratulatory “[another sign] this ice cream is made from renewable ice.” But like I said their food is real good and the salad bar is top notch. So I grab a take out box (recycled material of course) and start shoveling in the salad; baby spinach, fetal spinach, onions, carrots. Then a problem, the smaller the “salad fixins” the larger the tongs. I’m trying to grab soy beans with tongs you’d flip a steak with and the beans are flying everywhere, into the beats, the curried celery, the shaved balsamic figs and I’m starting to get the stink eye from the other salad denizens. I threw some chicken on my salad and headed to the “dressing corral”. There was a bunch of spilled blue cheese dressing that of course unbeknown to me wound up on my shirt. “Excuse me sir, it looks like you have some dressing on your shirt.” It wasn’t just some, it looked like the bottom of my shirt was made of Blue cheese dressing. I got that taken care of and went back for some dressing.   As I was reaching over for a bottle of carrot ginger vinaigrette my giant ham-like hand knocked over the glass bottle of olive oil. (a side note: I’d like to state that I have an unparalleled record as a life long clod, when I was a child it was said I could trip over smoke.)  So the olive oil is falling in what seems like slow motion and I make a grab for it spilling some of my salad. The bottle shattered and went all over the place, oil, giant shards of glass, it was a mess. They sent out a HazMat team to clean everything up and I slunk away with a half assed salad.


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