Posts Tagged ‘ record store clerk ’

I Hate Me, part 745,942

Early evening at work. An older guy who looked like he’s a close relative of later day Gary Busey was walking down the middle aisle. He was gesticulating like a mad preacher and asked everyone he passed, “Where’s the cassettes?!? WHERE’S THE CASSETTES!!?”

I pointed to the wall near the back counter where we have a few racks of used cassettes, about 100 or so.

That’s it? That’s it?!…thats all the cassettes you got?!

Yeah, that’s it. All used cassettes, all $1.99

USED!?? You mean you recorded over these tapes?!?

No…they’re used…like used cds and used records

Oh used…I thought you said you taped over them

No… I don’t know how you thought I said that but no they’re not taped over

Ok let’s see what you got

(He was looking at the cassettes and yelling band names at them, maybe if they heard their names they would leap off of the rack)

Eagles!…EAGLES!!….BEATLES!! Goddammit I can’t see anything

(Then he grabbed his phone and started yelling at it)

Flashlight!…(nothing)..FLASHLIGHT!!….GODDAMN FLASHLIGHT!!.(still nothing)…GODDAMN!

He walked back to the counter

I CAN’T SEE A GODDAMN THING……so, I hear downloading is killing you guys…the music…bye

And off he went

I Hate Me, part 710,887

Old guy called the store. Bad connection or a speaker phone, maybe both:

Do you buy records? Cause I gotta lot of classical, they’re good.

I’m sorry we’re not buying classical records right now, we have a lot and they don’t sell. You could try Princeton Record Exchange, they used to buy them.

Prince Tom’s Record Exchange? Who’s Prince Tom?

Nononono..no it’s Princeton…PRINCETON

…Where is this Prince Tom at?

…no..no..uh Princeton…PrinceTON…like the college and the town…not Prince Tom, PRINCETON…The town has a record store

…Are you saying Prince Tom Exchange? I’m not looking to exchange records with this Tom fella, I just wanna get rid of ’em

….no…uh look..it’s Princeton..P..R..I..N..C..E..T..O..N…Record Exchange…it’s a record store..they buy and sell records

Oh..Princeton…that’s too far away

And then he hung up

I Hate Me, part 729,810

A busy-ish Friday night at work, one of the first warm evenings we’ve had this year. Right on the verge of “yes, we should turn the AC on” but not quite there yet. Thick and warm, check. Doors open and fans not doing shit, check. Are you a fat guy so naturally you always want the AC on, check. While I was pondering this quandary a guy brought in a small stack of records, “you buy records?” Yes. “I have a few, can I borrow the hand truck?” Sure. Sixteen moving boxes later he was done. Out of sixteen boxes I only ended up buying 250, it was a tough slog going through them and I really wasn’t paying attention to much else. A woman came up and asked what we were playing, it was an album by Linton Kwesi Johnson who is a British reggae dub poet. I didn’t put it on so as I was going thru the faulty rolladex of shit in my head to figure out who it was:

Uhhhhh….mmmm….uhhhh…reggae guy

(Did I just fucking say “reggae guy”, aauurrghhhh!)

Reggae Guy?…that’s his name?

Uhhhh…no…it’s….uhhh…LINTONKWESIJOHNSON!

I blurted it out and I’m sure the way it sounded made even less sense then “reggae guy”

……thank you…. (and walked out of the store)

I turned the AC on


I found this album in the collection with a great cover by Jim Flora

I Hate Me, part 766,310

Middle aged hippie guy who I wrote about in the last post came into Jack’s on a Saturday. He never buys anything, complains about prices and gives us tips on how to make the store better. He’ll also comment on customers music selections. There was a couple looking through our Grateful Dead section and he generously gave them his opinion.

“Yeah…ya want to buy those…They’re only the greatest band…and they’re American…so…ya know”

The customers looked at him and walked away with no cd’s, hippie guy sauntered to the back counter where I was.

“Yeah…I just sold some Dead for ya…they’re the greatest band in the world, it’s a fact… Ya know the Stones and those guys they’re not American…they’re just not…they’re English…The Dead…they’re American bro…I should work here ya know”

And off he went.

I hate me, part 749,001

Middle aged guy came into the store, windbreaker and mesh back cap with a fish on it. He ended up at the back counter. He was looking for a cd and Matt was his man. Matt is in his thirties and clearly looks like he’s in his thirties.

Guy-What are you…like 50…60?

Matt-(long pause)…yeah…

The guy was standing in front of a record rack. I was in the aisle and I could see that as he was talking to Matt he was calmly cutting his nails with a nail clipper, the nail shards were falling into the record rack, Aaaaughhh!! I stared at him in disbelief, he didn’t notice. The record rack is tall enough where Matt didn’t see what he was doing. Matt asked him to come behind the counter to look at a cd he had on the computer, to make sure it was the one he wanted. The guy stopped cutting his nails but there was a hanging thumbnail, he went behind the counter and his hand with the hanging nail was right above my coffee. I got a better vantage point to see if his goddamn rotten thumbnail was gonna fall into my coffee. So I was giving him the stink eye while chanting a mantra in my head “DON’TFALLOFFDON’TFALLOFFDON’TFALLOFF…”. He finished looking at the computer and gave me a return stink eye (which in retrospect was completely warranted as he had no idea why I was giving him the stink eye and I couldn’t have blurted out “your goddamn nail!”). As he was trundling off he went back to clipping his nails.

I hate me part 732,071

Two loud talking knuckleheads seemingly altered by smoke or drink, one had a sideways baseball cap and the other had a modified ponytail/mullet:

Dude, my phone is fuckin’ slow

…yeah dude

Dude..we need that fuckin’ pizza…can we still get the pizza deal?

Dude, we gotta do it on line…an your fuckin’ phone sucks

I know it’s so fuckin’ slow…can’t we just go over there and say “we want the pizza deal” dude

No,dude it don’t work like that..we gotta do it online…an your fuckin’ phone is sooooo slow, dude.

I gotta fuckin sit down

[both sit on the stairs with a relieved “yeah”, a minute passes]

Dude…did you fuckin’ order yet?

My fuckin’ phone…C’MON!….fuck……..alright!

Dude!

Dude!…Pizza!

And off they went

I Hate Me, part 632,007

It was Sunday 5pm, we were closing up, half the lights were off and we were locking the doors. A large guy steamed in, trailed by 3 toddlers and his wife.
“We’re closing up now sir, if we can help you find something…”
“I know what I want. I wanna pre-order the new Metallica”
“I’m sorry, we don’t do pre-orders and it’s not in our computer yet but I know we’ll have a bunch of the album, were you looking for a special edition box set or the LP version?”
“No…none of that shit, just the regular cd”
“OK, We’ll have a lot so, give us a call and we’ll hold one for you”
Meanwhile his kids are upstairs in the sheet music department beating on the display ukulele’s
“we want a tiny guitar!, we want a tiny guitar!”
“You got tiny guitars!…an you don’t play ‘em!”
“If there’s anything else I can help you with because we’re closing up now”
“yeah..looka this”
He’s scrolling the photos on his phone
“…yeah…just wait…yeah….yeah…..it’s here somewhere…..yeah….”
finally
“yeah, hey lookout this…”
It’s a blurry photo of the guy standing with another guy, who I guess is some rock guy but I don’t know who he is, he just looks like a regular shlub.
“Wow…nice, yeah…cool”
“Ya know who that is right?”
“Yeahyeah…sure…yeah” (nonononono)
Then thankfully his wife piped in
“We gotta go…the baby”
“Yeaaahhh…the baby…alright….”
“Good picture…right bro?”
“yeah…great”
and then they were gone and the long national nightmare was over.

we want tiny guitars!

we want a tiny guitar!