Posts Tagged ‘ humor? ’

world views

Honduras views: Presidential crisis
In Central America’s worst crisis in a month, Honduran President Manuel Zelaya was sent into exile on Sunday amid a dispute over his proposals to change the constitution. Some Hondurans share their thoughts on the deposed leader with reporter Stelphoon Goobs in Tegucigalpa:
TINA DOMINGUEZ, Retired
President Zelaya deceived us. He talked about democracy but then he couldn’t spell democracy. He spelled it Demoncracy and that scared me
DANIEL MARLTOONEZ, Lawyer
I support President Zelaya and hope he comes back.
I do not like what has happened to this country since the new government took over. They have painted my house an unappealing color. They also shaved my dog and used his hair for government bird nests. I don’t think this is right, my dog liked his hair.

Pipe Tobacco = METAL

Here’s a short list of Pipe Tobacco brands that sound like they could be names for metal bands:
BORKUM RIFF
GAWITH HOGARTH
SCHERMERHORN
ORLIK
ERINMORE
RATTRAY
YENIDJE AGONYA

Secret Diary of Our Bus Driver

While rooting through everyones personal belongings on the bus (one of my hobbies) I came upon a diary from our bus driver. Here’s the last entry.
6/24/09

Dear Diary,
On the road to Sweden.
The band and crew seem to enjoy the new coffee maker and don’t suspect that I have poisoned the coffee beans. It is a new exact poison that won’t ruin the organs. They should all be dead by friday and I’ll meet with the hungarian organ harvesters. Most of their livers are shot but I think the rest of the organs will fetch a high price. I also have a man who will buy all their computers and electronic trinkets. Then we’ll dump their empty husks in a swamp, except for the fat one who has many tattoos, I think I’ll make a kite out of his skin. Had the Schnitzel on the ferry today, it was surprisingly good.

Letter From Europe (germany)

6/15/09 Wurzburg, Germany
Well we had a day off today and I went to the museum here. It’s the famous Things That are Other Things Museum (or in the original German Dinge die Andere Dinge Museum) and I saw a lot of cool things here: A Volkswagon that was actually a hat, a cricket bat that was a comb and a sword, and of course the famous Roboticus T. Robticus T, the robot who thought he was a man who thought he was president. I’m sure you read about him in your history classes, he was the robot who replaced President Thomas Jefferson while Jefferson went into the future to arm wrestle Hitler. Roboticus T. or as he was known “old clanky pants” went missing and wound up here in 1963, still one of the greatest unsolved mysteries left. Anyhow after a full day of culture I went to a nearby Italian restaurant and let me tell you they are completely different over here. First they balked when I ordered a drink. You know me and when I sit down to some authentic Italian food I like to have a couple of Grammama’s (2 parts red wine, 1 part chocolate milk, 1 part bitters) well they never heard of it. What kind of Italian restaurant doesn’t have chocolate milk. Next I order the Spaghetti Ragu but I wanted to substitute the spaghetti with stampelle pasta (or as we call it crutch pasta, because it looks like tiny crutches), again they never heard of it and they balk when I ask them to mix in some raspberry jam with the ragu, like Dad used to do. Well I ate it, under protest and last but not least they didn’t have any AAA batteries. What kind of Italian restaurant doesn’t have AAA batteries? The kind of Italian restaurant I won’t be going back to, that’s what kind. Man, I miss home

Revealing Slayer Interview

I just read an interview with Slayer in last months Metal Face magazine and I found out a couple of surprising things. Here’s a couple of quotes from the interview by Ian “creepy” Hilfiger:
Tom Araya- “Well, I had real bad dandruff when we were writing Seasons In the Abyss and one morning when I was combing my hair (editors note: Mr. Araya has long hair) there was a shitload of dandruff in the sink and I was kind of stoned and I thought, wow I bet there’s enough dandruff which is ya know dead skin, enough fuckin’ dandruff to make a mask out of it. I didn’t actually make a mask out of it, but I could of. So yeah, that’s where “Dead Skin Mask” comes from.” he continued “ Yeah, and ya know “Angel of Death” is really about a bad dream Jeff (Hanneman, guitarist for Slayer) had about Dr. Seuss, who he insists on calling Dr. Zeus which is kind of weird, but yeah we thought saying it was about Dr. Mengele just sounded cooler.”

Bacon Chat

Farquad Nurn is a one man bacon missionary. He’s the author of many books including Baking with Bacon: the Famous Bacon Diet Pt.III, The Bacon Diaries: A quest for a bacon based society, also Bacon on Bacon (a photo essay with artist Francis Bacon posing with bacon) and most recently The Bacon Soldiers: one man’s plan for peace in the Middle East. Mr. Nurn also has a P.H.D in Baconology from Stamford. We’re lucky enough to have him answer some of your questions:

Q: My husband and I tried your bacon diet and it was delicious, however after three months and sixty pounds of bacon my husband dropped dead. The attending physician said his heart looked like a hockey puck. I myself now sweat bacon fat instead of perspiration and my doctors are worried. My question is, did you actually test your diet before publishing it?

A: Mmmmmm, your doctor said his heart looked like a hockey puck. Hockey is played in Canada. This leads me to believe that your “husband” mixed Canadian bacon in with his normal bacon regime. This is a huge mistake, Canadian bacon is not actually bacon, it’s an inferior and sometimes deadly version of traditional, good, wholesome, God fearing American bacon. So it’s your fault, I’m sorry but that’s the way it is. In answer to the second part of your question, Yes the diet was tested, tested with my superior mind. The bacon diet is infallible, any problems would be from your inferior mind and body. Next Question!

Q: In your book The Bacon Soldiers: one man’s plan for peace in the Middle East, you have a “5 point bacon/peace manifesto”. I find your reasoning flawed as the Jewish faith forbids pork products. What were you thinking?

A: I don’t see a problem with my manifesto. You need to think outside the box. A new paradigm is needed. Think outside the paradigm! I’m a forward thinker powered by bacon and I have very little time to deal with trifles like “religion” or “health”. The bacon mind is a steel trap, synapses firing at speeds un-thought of by non-baconers. Bow down before the Bacon, you are small, insignificant. Bacon is all. All is Bacon………….

[That concludes Bacon Chat]

Letter From the Author

Dear Sir/Sirs/Madam/Ladies

Pardon the impersonal-ness of this letter but as I’m sending it out to all media outlets it cannot be helped.

My name is J. Corregidor Thacket, I am the writer of a new movie entitled Stabbo: Legend of the Butcher Clown. “Writer”,  that’s what it says on the screen.  In reality First Vision Pictures hijacked and destroyed my original story Eleven Tall Trees: A President McKinley Adventure and turned it into the dreck you see splattered across the movie screen. I tried to have my name removed but due to legal reasons (damn you, 25th amendment) my name is still attached to it. To the many fans of my President McKinley Adventure series, I’m truly sorry but one man alone cannot change the Hollywood hell machine that grinds up dreams and feeds them to orphans. The following is a list of some differences between my original screenplay and the abomination now showing nationwide at over 10,000 theaters.
President Mckinley (Paul Simon) is now Stabbo the Clown (Art Garfunkel). The Eleven Tall Trees have been changed to a sorority located in an old slaughterhouse. Lincolns Ghost has been changed to a hermaphrodite Lincolns Ghost and McKinleys secret zombie advisors (aka, the Men Who Know, or the MWK) are now a series of wise bleeding ulcers. So I implore you not to see Stabbo: Legend of the Butcher Clown, also my new President Mckinley Adventure, The Clockwork Madrigal: A President Mckinley Adventure will be in bookstores soon.

Thank You.
J. Corregidor Thacket
Author of the President McKinley Adventures