Posts Tagged ‘ humor? ’

I Hate Me, part 876,008

[I haven’t written in a while, or more precisely haven’t posted anything. Figured I’d try doing it again, This piece was started last fall]

A woman and her adult son came in and I could hear them bickering before I could hear any actual words, just sharp murmuring. As they got to the used cassette section,

SON-Look at all these cassettes, I should go through mine and sell some

MOM-You need to go through that stuff and deal with it

SON-Hey, they call it spring cleaning not fall cleaning (when he said this it was delivered with a smirk)

MOM-YOU BEEN SAYIN’ THAT FOR FIVE YEARS!

SON-Maaaaaaaa!

MOM-WELLLLL!?!

SON-I’LL DO IT!…I said I’ll do it an I’ll do it!

MOM-WHEN?!?!

SON-Maaaaaaa!

Then they walked through the store and out of our lives

Anarchist Cookbook Gets a Makeover

The legendary anti-establishment tome The Anarchist Cookbook is getting a complete makeover in preparation for it’s 40th anniversary. The newly revised version entitled The Anarchist Cookbook-Redux is being published by Better Homes & Gardens Press. Of course the new version has some differences with the original and editor J.C. Martin describes what’s new. “Well we feel that we’ve kept the gist, the heart and revolutionary soul of the original and added to it, making it more relevant and bringing it up to date.” Martin cites a few examples “In the original there was three recipes for napalm, we cut it down to one and were lucky enough to get Rachael Ray to contribute her recipe for a spicy, southeast asian inspired salsa. Talk about fiery, ouch. The book also includes superstar Bobby Flay with his take on a Molotov Cocktail, his version replaces gasoline with gourmet rum and the fuse is now artisanal licorice rope. It’s all very cutting edge and dangerous.” There are also etiquette tips for coups and insurrections and how to look your best while reciting your revolutionary demands from a non-studio quality location.   Martin adds “Not everyone can look like Che (Guevara) but we offer some help.” The Anarchist Cookbook-Redux is available for pre-order through Amazon.com

Political News

Franken’s Win Bolsters Democratic Grip in Senate and Hope Elsewhere

By MONTY TREACLE
After nearly eight months of waiting, 20,000 pages of legal documents, and millions of dollars in election costs Al Franken emerged Tuesday as the next United States senator from Minnesota, ending one of the most protracted election recount battles in recent memory

Mr. Franken, 58, a former comedian and author, could be seated in the Senate as early as Monday. This news has given hope to many of his Saturday Night Live alumni with their own political aspirations and problems. Jon Lovitz (SNL 1985-90) locked in his own protracted election recount, a mayoral race in Pringleton, Nebraska sent out a press release saying in part “Hopefully Al’s win will help the rest of us with our own electoral logjams, I know Jan and Kevin were also keeping tabs on Al’s progress” Jan is Jan Hooks (SNL 1986-94) who ran for water commissioner of Gellin County, North Carolina. Even though Ms. Hooks ran unopposed county officials demanded a recount, which hasn’t been certified yet. Kevin is Kevin Nealon (SNL 1987-96) who was running for grand marshal of Springfield, Ohio’s annual Simpson’s Day Parade. Nealon is in a technical dead heat with actor Peter Bonerz (the Bob Newhart Show) for Grand Marshal.

4th Of July Fun Fact

Country music super patriot Lee Greenwood who has made a career of singing patriotic music (God Bless the U.S.A.) is now required by law to include the words “God Bless” “the” “Proud” and either “U.S.A.” or  “America/American” into every song he sings or records. For example: When Greenwood sings the song “Wind beneath My Wings” it has to become by lawGod Bless the Proud Wind Beneath My American Wings

God Bless Lee Greenwood

God Bless Lee Greenwood

world views

Honduras views: Presidential crisis
In Central America’s worst crisis in a month, Honduran President Manuel Zelaya was sent into exile on Sunday amid a dispute over his proposals to change the constitution. Some Hondurans share their thoughts on the deposed leader with reporter Stelphoon Goobs in Tegucigalpa:
TINA DOMINGUEZ, Retired
President Zelaya deceived us. He talked about democracy but then he couldn’t spell democracy. He spelled it Demoncracy and that scared me
DANIEL MARLTOONEZ, Lawyer
I support President Zelaya and hope he comes back.
I do not like what has happened to this country since the new government took over. They have painted my house an unappealing color. They also shaved my dog and used his hair for government bird nests. I don’t think this is right, my dog liked his hair.

Pipe Tobacco = METAL

Here’s a short list of Pipe Tobacco brands that sound like they could be names for metal bands:
BORKUM RIFF
GAWITH HOGARTH
SCHERMERHORN
ORLIK
ERINMORE
RATTRAY
YENIDJE AGONYA

Secret Diary of Our Bus Driver

While rooting through everyones personal belongings on the bus (one of my hobbies) I came upon a diary from our bus driver. Here’s the last entry.
6/24/09

Dear Diary,
On the road to Sweden.
The band and crew seem to enjoy the new coffee maker and don’t suspect that I have poisoned the coffee beans. It is a new exact poison that won’t ruin the organs. They should all be dead by friday and I’ll meet with the hungarian organ harvesters. Most of their livers are shot but I think the rest of the organs will fetch a high price. I also have a man who will buy all their computers and electronic trinkets. Then we’ll dump their empty husks in a swamp, except for the fat one who has many tattoos, I think I’ll make a kite out of his skin. Had the Schnitzel on the ferry today, it was surprisingly good.