Posts Tagged ‘ humor? ’

I hate me, 810,732

Two items today:

1)

Middle aged guy, shorts, tucked in t-shirt, back counter of the store.

Know what I’m looking for?

Now this is usually not a question, it’s a lead in and 999 out of a 1,000 it’s quickly followed by what the customer is looking for, not this time, after an uncomfortable amount of time

…ya got me, no idea what you want

Sheryl Crow…Heart…characters like that

Artists who are women?

You know…

…Are you looking for them on cd or lp?

Yes

Well, we have a ton of cd’s on both and maybe a few used Heart LPs

Ok then

…Ok then, cd’s?

Ok

He bought some stuff and as he was leaving he held up a Jack’s bag full of cd’s

I paid for this…don’t worry…so I’m good…32 dollars you got from me…but you guys deserve it…I’m good to go

2)

Sean took care of this customer, he’s been a regular for years and sometimes returns used cds as defective, his explanations are usually good. He returned a used Korn cd:

“Yeah, this plays fine at home but when I’m in my car, this one and a Pantera cd I bought just play a loop of nature sounds…I’m gonna keep the Pantera though.

I hate me , part 884,907

End of the day closing. We made the announcements, closing in 10 minutes…closing in 5..we’re closed. The last people, a middle aged couple, headed up front with nothing. Then they saw a rack of Jack’s Music shirts. the guy (who was looking at the shirts) was roughly my size, XXL.

(holds up shirt to show his wife) I think I can fit into a large

…I don’t know…are you sure?…maybe something….bigger?

Nah, I got this…(looks at the shirt again)…you think something bigger?

Yes…bigger…yes

(He holds up an XL)…this’ll be good, right?

It’s now about five minutes after we closed, and there is no way that this guy is fitting into an XL, so I piped in.

“Look man, we’re about the same size and I’m wearing a XXL of that shirt, they fit good.”

He looked me up and down, made a lemon face

…yeah…I think I’m gonna go with the XL

He finally headed to the counter, as he was getting rung up

…maybe I’ll try this on…just to make sure it fits (looks at his wife)…right?

He wore a polo shirt and he tried to put the t-shirt over that. It didn’t go well and I’m thinking “if the shirt doesn’t fit, you must acquit”, after a long minute of shirt wrestling, he admitted defeat and bought the XXL. And the long national nightmare was over

I Hate Me, part 838,042

Saturday morning guy looking through the new LP arrivals, started talking wasn’t sure it was directed at me

Bob Seger..Night Moves….Supertramp…REO…

(distorted woman’s voice) what!…Supertramp?…which one?

…you know…Give a Little Bit ‘s on it

Yeah…we got it

I look over the counter and the guy is on FaceTime and their voices are getting louder

Bruce..The Rive (gets cut off)

The What?!

THE RIVER!

Is it good?

Yeah, we like that one

NO! Is it in good shape?

Looks alright

Ok

Til Tuesday…Scandal…Lita Ford, you like her

Which one?

Dancin’ On The Edge

No, I don’t like that one

Ok

The Cars, Candy-O…U2, Blood Red..something…

What songs were on the Lita Ford?

…uh lemme find it.

This went on for about 5 minutes, his iPad lying on a row of records he wasn’t looking thru, which he had to move it a few times for other customers, who were giving him the side eye. He eventually left with nothing.

I Hate Me, part 876,008

[I haven’t written in a while, or more precisely haven’t posted anything. Figured I’d try doing it again, This piece was started last fall]

A woman and her adult son came in and I could hear them bickering before I could hear any actual words, just sharp murmuring. As they got to the used cassette section,

SON-Look at all these cassettes, I should go through mine and sell some

MOM-You need to go through that stuff and deal with it

SON-Hey, they call it spring cleaning not fall cleaning (when he said this it was delivered with a smirk)

MOM-YOU BEEN SAYIN’ THAT FOR FIVE YEARS!

SON-Maaaaaaaa!

MOM-WELLLLL!?!

SON-I’LL DO IT!…I said I’ll do it an I’ll do it!

MOM-WHEN?!?!

SON-Maaaaaaa!

Then they walked through the store and out of our lives

Anarchist Cookbook Gets a Makeover

The legendary anti-establishment tome The Anarchist Cookbook is getting a complete makeover in preparation for it’s 40th anniversary. The newly revised version entitled The Anarchist Cookbook-Redux is being published by Better Homes & Gardens Press. Of course the new version has some differences with the original and editor J.C. Martin describes what’s new. “Well we feel that we’ve kept the gist, the heart and revolutionary soul of the original and added to it, making it more relevant and bringing it up to date.” Martin cites a few examples “In the original there was three recipes for napalm, we cut it down to one and were lucky enough to get Rachael Ray to contribute her recipe for a spicy, southeast asian inspired salsa. Talk about fiery, ouch. The book also includes superstar Bobby Flay with his take on a Molotov Cocktail, his version replaces gasoline with gourmet rum and the fuse is now artisanal licorice rope. It’s all very cutting edge and dangerous.” There are also etiquette tips for coups and insurrections and how to look your best while reciting your revolutionary demands from a non-studio quality location.   Martin adds “Not everyone can look like Che (Guevara) but we offer some help.” The Anarchist Cookbook-Redux is available for pre-order through Amazon.com

Political News

Franken’s Win Bolsters Democratic Grip in Senate and Hope Elsewhere

By MONTY TREACLE
After nearly eight months of waiting, 20,000 pages of legal documents, and millions of dollars in election costs Al Franken emerged Tuesday as the next United States senator from Minnesota, ending one of the most protracted election recount battles in recent memory

Mr. Franken, 58, a former comedian and author, could be seated in the Senate as early as Monday. This news has given hope to many of his Saturday Night Live alumni with their own political aspirations and problems. Jon Lovitz (SNL 1985-90) locked in his own protracted election recount, a mayoral race in Pringleton, Nebraska sent out a press release saying in part “Hopefully Al’s win will help the rest of us with our own electoral logjams, I know Jan and Kevin were also keeping tabs on Al’s progress” Jan is Jan Hooks (SNL 1986-94) who ran for water commissioner of Gellin County, North Carolina. Even though Ms. Hooks ran unopposed county officials demanded a recount, which hasn’t been certified yet. Kevin is Kevin Nealon (SNL 1987-96) who was running for grand marshal of Springfield, Ohio’s annual Simpson’s Day Parade. Nealon is in a technical dead heat with actor Peter Bonerz (the Bob Newhart Show) for Grand Marshal.

4th Of July Fun Fact

Country music super patriot Lee Greenwood who has made a career of singing patriotic music (God Bless the U.S.A.) is now required by law to include the words “God Bless” “the” “Proud” and either “U.S.A.” or  “America/American” into every song he sings or records. For example: When Greenwood sings the song “Wind beneath My Wings” it has to become by lawGod Bless the Proud Wind Beneath My American Wings

God Bless Lee Greenwood

God Bless Lee Greenwood