Posts Tagged ‘ Christmas ’

reprint: American Santa vs. Russian Santa

[note: I did this a couple of years ago and it fits this time of year]

American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

While going thru some of my parents’ old things, I came across a cold war era Christmas pamphlet that was distributed by the Bayonne Decency League (the BDL) entitled The American Santa Claus. Here’s an excerpt comparing the American Santa with the Russian Santa:

* The American Santa delivers toys and candy.
* The Russian Santa delivers savage beatings.

* The American Santa wears a red suit the same color as the proud red stripes of the American flag.
* The Russian Santa wears a suit stained red with the blood of innocents.

* The American Santa has friendly, patriotic reindeer pulling his sled thru the night sky.
* The Russian Santa has bloodthirsty flying wolves pulling a dilapidated prison wagon around.

* The American Santa puts toys and treats into stockings hung with care.
* The Russian Santa slops sour borscht into hollowed out peasant feet that are crudely nailed to a wall.

* The American Santa eats milk and cookies left out for him by boys and girls.
* The Russian Santa feasts on children’s dreams and drinks their frightened tears.
C7358

I Hate me, Part 170,991

I know this is a bit late for a story about Christmas but I wasn’t writing a lot then so I figured why write it now before I forget it.
Carrie wanted a new Blue Tooth for Christmas. Now, I’m not a real big fan of Blue Tooths or Blue Teeth (I’m not sure what’s grammatically correct). I associate them with rude, oblivious douchebags. I’m sure this isn’t the case with the majority of people who use them, Carrie uses hers when she walks the dog and she loves it. The one she had was falling apart and I was hoping that it would last until Christmas morning. I got a nice one online and I had planned it to be a major part of her Christmas present, if not the lynchpin then at least a major part of it. Well about a week before Christmas her Blue Tooth finally died while she was walking the dog and she stopped by work to tell me about it
Carrie: The goddamn Blue Tooth died
Me: Yeah, that sucks…sorry
Carrie: Yeah, I’m gonna have to get another one. I really need it when I walk Lucy.
-about 30 seconds of silence-
Me: …Alright!… Don’t buy one…..I got you one for Christmas
Carrie: Jesus, you really caved in fast on that. I wasn’t gonna buy one until after Christmas.
Me: Oh…ok, well how about you tell me something that you got me for Christmas…kind of even things out
Carrie: (stare)
Me: I was tricking you…I didn’t get you a Blue Tooth…I just wanted you to think I did…good acting huh?
Carrie: (stare)
Me: No?…Ok, we could go back in the wayback machine to five minutes ago and I won’t tell that I got you a new Blue Tooth.
Carrie: (laughing) I can’t believe you caved so fast.
The sad fact is although I’m good with regular secrets, I’m terrible with birthday and Christmas present secrets. If I was a spy, the way to break me (outside of the threat or even hint of torture) would be to tell me that the secrets I had were actually a birthday present.

This is not the Blue Tooth I got Carrie

This is not the Blue Tooth I got Carrie

REPRINT: American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

[Yeah i know another goddamn reprint, but I’m completely under the gun. New stuff by monday. sorry]


American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

While going thru some of my parents’ old things, I came across a cold war era Christmas pamphlet that was distributed by the Bayonne Decency League (the BDL) entitled The American Santa Claus. Here’s an excerpt comparing the American Santa with the Russian Santa:

* The American Santa delivers toys and candy.
* The Russian Santa delivers savage beatings.

* The American Santa wears a red suit the same color as the proud red stripes of the American flag.
* The Russian Santa wears a suit stained red with the blood of innocents.

* The American Santa has friendly, patriotic reindeer pulling his sled thru the night sky.
* The Russian Santa has bloodthirsty flying wolves pulling a dilapidated prison wagon around.

* The American Santa puts toys and treats into stockings hung with care.
* The Russian Santa slops sour borscht into hollowed out peasant feet that are crudely nailed to a wall.

* The American Santa eats milk and cookies left out for him by boys and girls.
* The Russian Santa feasts on childrens dreams and drinks their frightened tears.