St. Patrick and the snakes

-Pious legend credits St. Patrick with banishing snakes from Ireland-

[A pub shortly after St. Patrick got rid of all of Irelands snakes. Patrick (he wasn’t a Saint yet), knocking back a few pints with some friends and celebrating a snake free ireland]  KEY: P-St. Patrick, J-James Fitzhugh

J– “Hey, Patrick!”

P– “You are correct sir. Hey why the long face brother, I just got rid of all the snakes. C’mon have a pint.”

J– “Yeah, I know you got rid of all the goddamned snakes, I’m James Fitzhugh. You know owner of Fitzhughs Snake Circus.”

P– “Uh… so..uh.. how’s it going James….Drink?”

J– “No I don’t want a goddamned drink. How’s it going?! I’ll tell you how it’s going! You just wiped me out. Those were trained snakes, it took me years to train them. You’ve seen it, those snakes would bite their own tail and form a wheel and roll around…It was magnificent! So where are my snakes?”

P– “Um..uh..uh (quietly) I uh led…all the snakes…led them into the sea.”

J– “The sea, the goddamned sea. why?!”

P- “Uh..God…uh… You see God …God told me to.”

J- “…Really? …God told you to. this has nothing to do with me charging your son full price at the Snake Circus last month, does it? I mean Christ, Patrick. It’s kids twelve and under get let in for free and your boy has got to be what, fifteen or so.”

P- “Look, God told me to get rid of the snakes, ok. Deal with it….and…and my son is twelve, he’s just big for his age. He should have been let in for free.”

J- “So it IS about not letting your kid in for free. You bastard, you destroy my business and kill all the snakes in Ireland just to get even with me…out of spite!”

P– “Uh…um…God uh…um…uuh…”

J- “Yeah, yeah I know, your pal God told you to do this. You know you’ve screwed the country with this little stunt, with no snakes we’ll be overrun with toads and rats, nice going.”

P– “Hey James! Is that one of your snakes over there in the corner?”

(of course, there’s no snake but while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door)

Shines Like a Beacon

Dynasty Ace

I’m not a big Kiss fan, but this clip is pretty amazing. My friend Sean turned me onto it, he found it on the Vice Magazine site.  The official title is “A long beautiful flowing cape”. I’ve watched it about 20 times

I Hate Me, Part 399,546/I Like Records 30

(This is one is a hybrid, a little bit “I Hate Me” a little bit “I Like Records”)

Guy comes in last night to sell cd’s/lp’s. He’s in town to see the John Hiatt show at the Count Basie, he seems a little off. I’m not sure if he’s had a few pops or if he’s just excited to see John Hiatt. He tells a long rambling story about a John Eddie concert where John Eddie was really drunk and messed up a bunch of songs. Then he asks if other Jersey Shore luminaries ever come into the store. He follows each name with “I heard he’s a jerk”. This goes on for a while and I can’t really get away as I’m trapped behind the counter pricing records. He then points to a wall that has a few Springsteen pictures on it;
Guy– “My friend took that picture.”

Me– “that’s cool.”

Guy– “He’s coming in tonight and we’re gonna see Hiatt. That should be good,right?”

Me– “that’s nice”

Guy– (looking at his phone) “Hey, he’s calling me. Say something to him.”

Me– “What?!…No”

Guy-(shoving phone towards me) “Here, tell him about the picture.”

Phone- “Hello….hello…”

Me-(glaring at the guy, but picking up the phone anyway) “yeah”

Phone-”Who’s this?”

Guy– (yelling so phone guy can hear him) “Tell him about the picture, TELL HIM ABOUT THE PICTURE!”

Me-”You’re supposed to tell me about some picture.”

Phone– “What picture?


Me– “Here, This is retarded. Take your phone back.”

Phone– “What Picture!?”

So the guy’s not taking the phone back from me, he’s just yelling at it. “You know the picture!” and I can hear the guy on the phone yelling “What picture?!”. I just put the phone down and walked away, which is what I should have done in the first place.

Around Red Bank

Another short lived Red bank icon closed it’s doors, actually it was quite a while ago but I just took pictures of it.  With such a great name I’m surprised they went out of business. I mean Christ, with a name like that you’d think they be selling odor removal products (example:”Aauugh! What’s that smell? Get the anti-stink spray and light a fucking scented candle, Jesus!”).  Anyway, in figure 2 somebody put up a witty bon mot on a post-it note and then proceeded to tape the hell out of it.  It’s been amusing Red Bank citizens for well over six months. I would have thought that the new window treatment store would have taken it down when they put up their “coming soon” window banner.

figure 1

figure 2

I Like Records 29

It was a shit night outside and dead inside when this guy came in. He was a big guy with a weird clipped accent, at first it sounded boomy and British but after he was blathering for a bit I realized it wasn’t really British. It sounded more like an upper crust John Lithgow type accent, like he was from the country of Broadway.
(KEY: + guy, @me)

+ Where do you keep… Bounce…

[now I don’t know what the hell “Bounce” is, I thought it might be a play along the lines of “Stomp” or something like that]

+ …It’s a brand new genre, fantastic stuff. It’s New Orleans music, hip-hop.

@ Alright, New Orleans. Let me check the New Orleans section.

+ Oh, no no no no no no, It would be hip-hop. (sigh) You do have a hip-hop, or rap section don’t you?

@ Yeah, it’s over here

[I walk over to the hip-hop section. It’s not gigantic, maybe five hundred cd’s and it’s easily navigable]

+ (sputtering) How…how…am I supposed…to find anything here. There’s… there’s no…no order to it at all!

@ Yeah, it’s alphabetical (I pointed to the dividers with letters on them)

+ Well…well…is it alphabetical by artist or title?

@ artist

+ …mmmmmm… first name or last?

@ last name or first letter of a groups name.

+ …really…

@ yeah, that’s not something I’d lie about.

+ …mmmmm….really….

[I slowly backed away, and fled the building for a cup of coffee]

Around Red Bank

I'm not sure but I think this sign prohibits motorcycle stunts

I Hate Me, Part 174,992

First a little back story on this one: A) Most of these blogs are written and rewritten (although it doesn’t seem like it) on yellow legal pads, I have a lot of them around the house with a bunch of half written bullshit on them B) For the last fifteen years or so my friend and band mate Jon Kleiman and I (first in Monster Magnet, now Ribeye Brothers) have drawn these asinine childish drawings of each other entitled “This is You”. Most if not all of these drawings are of dicks with faces, arms and legs on them doing something retarded with the phrase “This Is You” scrawled on top. It would be presented to the other at band practice or work, with (example) “Hey, I found this picture of you (show the picture) it’s you as a dickbat with dickfeet pissing into your own coffee cup” The other would respond with a hastily drawn picture of something like a dick with a dick hat driving a dick car. Look, I know it’s amazingly stupid and childish. I have no defense, but it helps explain the story.
I went in to the Honda dealer to get my oil changed and I was in the middle of writing something that was originally on a scrap of paper. I grabbed a yellow pad out of my knapsack so I could finish writing. I was in the waiting room and I was writing and this guy sitting across from me starts giving me the stink eye. I ignored it for a few minutes, and I look up and he’s still glaring at me, so I put down the yellow pad and I see  a “This Is You”  (see above photograph) that I had drawn at practice a few weeks ago. The guy across from me saw a dick with a face on it with the words “This Is You” on it, no wonder he was glaring. Horribly embarrassed,  I hid in the showroom until I was sure that the guy had left.