Excerpts from a recent Orville Redenbacher executive board meeting
Happ (chairman): Alright, let’s get down to business. We’ve gone about as far as we can with the Orville Redenbacher Popcorn brand, but we need to go further. We need new vistas, gentlemen?
Johnson: Well last Christmas we introduced pre-popped, pre-strung, multi-colored, popcorn garlands. We sold them as Orville’s Garlands, didn’t do to well.
Happ: Yes, I remember the pppsmcp garlands, that’s ancient history. I want something new gentlemen, new!
Tolan: I have a couple of ideas, if we grind up the unusable corn kernels we could sell it as kitty litter. Here, Orville’s Kitty Korn.
Happ: Ummmm, yeah I don’t think so. Generally people don’t like the food that they eat to be shit on by cats. It’s really all about perception. What’s your other idea?
Tolan: uhhhh, uh, Orville Obsorb: vomit cleanup granules. And this is made from…
Happ: Let me guess, ground popcorn kernels. Again, it’s about perception. Vomit doesn’t have a good connotation with food we enjoy. Is there anything else…please?
Farmer: I’ve been working on a popcorn breakfast cereal. I know there’s already cornflakes and cornpops, but this is different. Breakfast with Orville, hot fresh popped Orville Redenbacher popcorn with milk and sugar.
Happ: That sounds disgusting.
Farmer: No, try it. It’s amazing.
Happ: …Ohhh…uhhh Christ this is horrible…get me something to drink
Farmer: Here, it’s our new Orville’s Buttery Popcorn Soda.
Happ: …uhhh…jesus..[VOMIT SOUNDS]… you’re…[VOMIT SOUNDS] ..all fired.