Genetically Altered Food Breakthrough

the apple spoon

Fran Healy,
A&P Press, Feb. 2, 2010

Genetic enhancement scientists at Greenwave Foods have reported an exciting breakthrough in bio-engineered food, Edible Utensils. Professor Jay Payton explains, “When we first tackled genetically enhanced foods everyone was worried about talking corn, or flying poisonous broccoli. And except for that unfortunate mishap in Andover* two years ago there’s really been no problems that I can speak of…” He continues, “ So we figured if we’re altering foods genetic makeup why not make the fruit and vegetables functional as well. Christ, an apple is just a round thing that sits there, hanging from a tree. What we’ve developed is an apple that grows in the shape of a spoon. So we now have an apple that is functional as well as delicious. You can eat with it, then you can eat it. We’re doing what mother nature would do if she was smart, and we’re sure Edible Utensils will be better for the planet.” Greenwave Foods is also developing an asparagus in the shape of a fork, and a candelabra shaped plum.

* five scientists were killed when a peach imbued with the spirit of Genghis Khan went on a kill crazy rampage.

I Like Records 27

There’s this annoying old guy who looks like a weird root vegetable with bad teeth, he buys used records and always tries to get a deal, “I’m buying these three records for a buck ninety-nine each, can you do anything on the price?” The first time he came in he bought about forty records and I took 10% off the price, which in retrospect was a huge mistake as he has never bought more than three at a time since then and he expects a discount. So I’m not too keen on this guy which brings us to last thursday morning:
(Key: * old guy, + me)
[Old guy is holding up a copy of the Rolling Stones-Made in the Shade]

* Is this The Rolling Stones

+ yeah

* THE Rolling Stones (emphasis on THE)

+ Yeah, it says so right there (I show him where it says it on the cover)

* Is it the one I’m thinking of?

+ I only know of one Rolling Stones, and I don’t know what you’re thinking of

* mmmm, I’m not sure…So you’re saying it’s The ROLLING Stones (emphasis on ROLLING)

+ yeah, that’s what I’m saying

* mmmm, ‘cause uh I don’t know this record and you’re sure there’s no other Rolling Stones putting out records.

+ that’s what I’ve been told

* ok…you got a $3.99 price on it, can you do any better?

+ I could charge you $4.99, that would be better for me

* …..oh…..

Japanese Baseball II

After my missive on the Nippon Ham Fighters I got a couple of responses. Morty Lambstershank mentioned the Okinawa Disturbed Chicken Livers and Chris Burns wrote about the famous “breakfast bowl” between the Nippon Ham Fighters and the Tokyo Egg Beaters, and as Devil Dick asked, I will draw my idea for the Ham Fighters mascot as soon as get some more crayons. Such an outpouring of interest made me want to delve deeper into Japanese Baseball, especially interesting team names. Here is a list of some more major and minor league team names I found interesting, most of these teams are current but a few have either changed their names or have disbanded:
Nishin Studious Hawkmen
Hirosaki Creme DeMenthe
Ichihara Honorable Flea Wings
Imabari Potato Fish
Kurume Joseph Stalins*
Ogori Sleepy Dimples
Iwaki Friendly Musk Oxen **

*Changed their name from the Kurume Dutiful Himmlers in 1946, team disbanded after the 1953 season
** Changed their name to Iwaki Friendly Yet Purposeful Musk Oxen in 1996

I Like Records 26 (dvd’s)

We had bought a stack of used DVD’s, mostly junk and in the pile was a movie called DEATH RING starring; Norris, Drago, McQueen, and Swayze (listed last names only, a red flag). from just a quick glance I thought that must be a really late, close to death Steve McQueen (or maybe footage cobbled together after his death) if he’s in a movie with Chuck Norris, and Patrick Swayze. I also thought that maybe I had stumbled onto a cool guilty pleasure movie like Road House. I looked closer and was CHAD McQueen (son of Steve), MIKE Norris (son of Chuck) and DON Swayze (brother of Patrick). The most high profile name on there was Billy Drago who was last seen in The Adventures Of Brisco County Junior. I think we put out Death Ring for $3.99, which is overpriced.

Something I like

a somewhat disappointing logo considering the name

After yesterdays corrosive, scattershot, fairly obvious (nobody has ever commented on douchey Mac/Apple fans) rant, here’s something I like. The Japanese baseball team The Nippon Ham Fighters. Actually I just like the name,  I haven’t done any research on the team but it seems pretty great that a team has an aggressive pork product as it’s name.   I’m imagining a pig with boxing gloves as it’s mascot or a giant canned ham with cartoon eyes and gritted teeth. Of course Nippon Ham is probably just a corporation that makes industrial corrosives or something, but I really dig the name.

I Hate Me, Part 226,902

late for practice

The day started of great and got progressively worse, mainly because of the weather.
It was my day off today and I got up early to drive my step-daughter to school. It was an amazing day, real stormy and rainy. A great day off. Later in the morning I got a large coffee and drove down to the beach and just sat by the ocean, couldn’t be better. I had to work for a couple of hours pricing a shitload of records we just bought, but that was cool. I was at work for a couple of hours and… What the fuck, it got sunny out. I hate great stormy days that get sunny. We should have a social contract with nature, start stormy and end stormy. It wasn’t even  “thank Christ the storm is over”, blue sky and bright sunshine. It just stopped raining and the sky turned a yellowish grey as if nature couldn’t be bothered and just went “Eh, I’m not really feelin’ it today”. Anyhow that soured my day. Much later I had band practice and I had to get fliers for a show photocopied and I went to Staples. You have to buy a card and copiers use the card, so I go to put the dollar in the card machine. The dollar I used was horrible, very wrinkled with a tear on it and of course the machine wouldn’t accept it. So instead of getting a different dollar, I tried to force it in and took it as a personal affront that the card dispenser wouldn’t accept my wretched dollar. I shook it so hard that if it was a pinball machine it would have lit up “TILT”. Amazingly it finally took the dollar and copies were made. I also had to get markers and the line was slow and stupid. I begin to realize that I’m going to be late for practice if this line doesn’t start moving faster. The woman in front of me, after questioning every price (“Oh, it’s a mail-in rebate,mmmm…”) is finally leaving when the cashier asks her if she wants a coupon for a PC cleaning. Instead of just saying “no, thanks” she acted like she was being offered a plate of shit “Oh, no…no,no. We don’t have a PC (she made a lemon face), we have a Mac (condescending smile) ”. Who gives a fuck if you have a Mac. I love Mac’s, I’m writing this on one, but fuckin’ Apple disciples can be douche bags . I still have to get coffee for practice so I go to the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru. At night it’s usually empty, there’s just one car in front of me. Great. I pull up to the window and I wait and wait. I start to look at the car in front of me, It’s festooned with christian stickers; “Keep Christ in Christmas”, not one but two Jesus fish and something that I think reads “My Other Car is The Rapture”, and I’m still fucking waiting. The guy at the window starts handing out bags of food and a bunch of coffees, not just two or three but twelve to fifteen coffees. This shit just kept coming. Finally it ends and I pay for my coffee and for fucks sake, the Jesus mobile in front of me is stopped. They seem to be sorting out the coffee and food, which is fine. What’s not fine is that they’re blocking the exit while doing it. A glare, a beep, and I’m out of there. I’m not late for practice, yet. So I decide to take a short cut. I don’t have much luck with short cuts, but like Charlie Brown and the football I’ll always try. This shortcut involves crossing train tracks. I’m gonna fucking make it. No. You’re. Not. I have to sit thru not one but two trains. And I’m late for practice, ugh.

I Like Records 25

the artist sometimes known as "borg"

It was a monday, Martin Luther King day. Chris was on vacation and I was covering for him, we were kind of busy and short handed.

[KEY: – woman, + me]
There was a middle aged woman looking thru the metal section and she stopped me;

– Do you got Useborg?

Now I’m thinking that she’s in the metal section so “Useborg” must be some kind of metal band, maybe some obscure Norwegian black metal band that I never heard of.

+ Is that a metal band?

– No, used Borg.

+Used “Borg”? Is Borg some kind of Star Trek band? (yes, I used to watch Star Trek)

– No, Borg, that Finnish girl. She sings. You know, B-J-O-R-J-G-Something.

+Do you mean Bjork? B-J-O-R-K from Iceland.

– Well, I think it’s pronounced “Borg” but yes that’s who I’m looking for. Do you have any used cd’s from her.

+ We don’t have a list of what’s used, but here’s her section.

– (she stares at the name on her cd section) Bjork, huh. I’m still pretty sure it’s pronounced “Borg”

I’m a goddamned idiot, and I couldn’t let it go.

+ Yeah, but there’s no “G” in her name

– Well, she is foreign.

+ So you’re saying they might pronounce “K’s” as “G’s” in Iceland.

– Maybe

I gave up and walked away.


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