Around Red Bank

Another short lived Red bank icon closed it’s doors, actually it was quite a while ago but I just took pictures of it.  With such a great name I’m surprised they went out of business. I mean Christ, with a name like that you’d think they be selling odor removal products (example:”Aauugh! What’s that smell? Get the anti-stink spray and light a fucking scented candle, Jesus!”).  Anyway, in figure 2 somebody put up a witty bon mot on a post-it note and then proceeded to tape the hell out of it.  It’s been amusing Red Bank citizens for well over six months. I would have thought that the new window treatment store would have taken it down when they put up their “coming soon” window banner.

figure 1

figure 2

I Like Records 29

It was a shit night outside and dead inside when this guy came in. He was a big guy with a weird clipped accent, at first it sounded boomy and British but after he was blathering for a bit I realized it wasn’t really British. It sounded more like an upper crust John Lithgow type accent, like he was from the country of Broadway.
(KEY: + guy, @me)

+ Where do you keep… Bounce…

[now I don’t know what the hell “Bounce” is, I thought it might be a play along the lines of “Stomp” or something like that]

+ …It’s a brand new genre, fantastic stuff. It’s New Orleans music, hip-hop.

@ Alright, New Orleans. Let me check the New Orleans section.

+ Oh, no no no no no no, It would be hip-hop. (sigh) You do have a hip-hop, or rap section don’t you?

@ Yeah, it’s over here

[I walk over to the hip-hop section. It’s not gigantic, maybe five hundred cd’s and it’s easily navigable]

+ (sputtering) How…how…am I supposed…to find anything here. There’s… there’s no…no order to it at all!

@ Yeah, it’s alphabetical (I pointed to the dividers with letters on them)

+ Well…well…is it alphabetical by artist or title?

@ artist

+ …mmmmmm… first name or last?

@ last name or first letter of a groups name.

+ …really…

@ yeah, that’s not something I’d lie about.

+ …mmmmm….really….

[I slowly backed away, and fled the building for a cup of coffee]

Around Red Bank

I'm not sure but I think this sign prohibits motorcycle stunts

I Hate Me, Part 174,992

First a little back story on this one: A) Most of these blogs are written and rewritten (although it doesn’t seem like it) on yellow legal pads, I have a lot of them around the house with a bunch of half written bullshit on them B) For the last fifteen years or so my friend and band mate Jon Kleiman and I (first in Monster Magnet, now Ribeye Brothers) have drawn these asinine childish drawings of each other entitled “This is You”. Most if not all of these drawings are of dicks with faces, arms and legs on them doing something retarded with the phrase “This Is You” scrawled on top. It would be presented to the other at band practice or work, with (example) “Hey, I found this picture of you (show the picture) it’s you as a dickbat with dickfeet pissing into your own coffee cup” The other would respond with a hastily drawn picture of something like a dick with a dick hat driving a dick car. Look, I know it’s amazingly stupid and childish. I have no defense, but it helps explain the story.
I went in to the Honda dealer to get my oil changed and I was in the middle of writing something that was originally on a scrap of paper. I grabbed a yellow pad out of my knapsack so I could finish writing. I was in the waiting room and I was writing and this guy sitting across from me starts giving me the stink eye. I ignored it for a few minutes, and I look up and he’s still glaring at me, so I put down the yellow pad and I see  a “This Is You”  (see above photograph) that I had drawn at practice a few weeks ago. The guy across from me saw a dick with a face on it with the words “This Is You” on it, no wonder he was glaring. Horribly embarrassed,  I hid in the showroom until I was sure that the guy had left.

Hurt Locker Promotion Canceled

(A&P Press, reported by Bruce Boisclair)

A promotional movie tie-in between Oscar nominated movie The Hurt Locker and Footlocker shoe stores has been canceled after only one week. The reason for the cancelation was due to multiple complaints from customers. The promotion called “Footlocker Explosion of Savings” had ten Footlocker stores in the tri-state area transformed into warzones depicted in the movie. The transformation even extended to the Footlocker staff wearing black and white striped ghutras (head scarfs). Placed in this transformed warzone/shoestore environment were camouflaged “Savings Bombs”. When accidently tripped, these “Savings Bombs” would simulate an explosion (using smoke, flashing lights and noise) and the “victim” would receive $200. in Footlocker gift certificates. It is reported that at the stores featured in this promotion many customers were frightened and disoriented, in several cases the police were called. Footlocker has suspended the promotion without issuing a statement.
This is the not the first promotional misstep for The Hurt Locker. In January it was revealed that plans for an animated children’s version of the movie entitled “The Smurf Locker” had been put on hold indefinitely.


John McBain, one of the funniest people I’ve ever met and an amazing guitarist (have you ever heard the term “I would listen to that person sing the phone book” well I would listen to John play the phone book. Yes I know that makes no sense, yet it is true.) Well, he has his own blog-thing   it’s still in it’s nascent form but well worth checking out. I have not been paid for this endorsement

I Hate Me, Part 379,003

Foodtown:further adventures at

The threat of a snowstorm always pack grocery stores. So last night after the warning of yet another storm, Foodtown wasn’t my personal store as it usually is at night. It was overrun with the “stock up for the storm” crowd. I got my stuff; sliced roast beef, ham and chicken from the deli department a package of sandwich wraps and a couple of Lean Cuisine frozen dinners for my wife. I got on the 10 items or less line, there were a couple of people in front of me but it was moving. A friend of mines wife was on line and we had a “I’m sick of this goddamned snow” conversation. Then it was my turn, the kid starts ringing me up and he gets to the end and he’s holding the deli bag of sliced chicken and he’s looking at me…
Kid – What’s this?

Me – ..chicken…

Kid – There’s no price sticker on it

Me – ..ok… well, it’s a half pound of Boars Head Rotisserie Chicken

Kid – There’s no sticker on it

[ The line is starting to get longer, there are now four people behind me and I’m looking around for the price sticker. I figured it somehow wound up on me, “Hey, you cost $4.99, haw haw”, it didn’t. The kid is looking at me all slackjawed, and I give him a “C’mon buddy, do something” look]

Kid – I guess I’ll get it reweighed

[ So instead of calling someone from the managers desk or the deli, the kid takes off with my chicken, leaving the register unattended. there are now about seven people behind me and no one’s happy. I’ve been at the ass end of these lines and I’d always curse the poor bastard who was holding up the line. It was also close to closing time and the only other register had a line of people buying enough food for a small army. I’m dying a thousand deaths. The kid comes back, without the chicken. ]

Kid – Yeah, they’ll weigh it.

Me – I thought that’s what you were doing

Kid – No, I just brought it to them

[ I looked up at the register screen and I see that the chicken had already been rung up]

Me – Hey man, that chicken already got rung up

Kid – Really?

Me – Yeah, look at the screen; chicken, roast beef, ham

[ the kid rescans the roast beef]

Me – You just rang that up a second time

Kid – Oh…yeah

[ he rescans a Lean Cuisine (chicken in peanut sauce)]

Me – You just rang that up a second time as well

Kid – Well there are two Lean Cuisine’s

[ Now I’m completely frustrated, the line is up to about ten people and I’m arguing with this kid about Lean Cuisines. I might as well be arguing about tampon prices or extra small condoms. There’s a palpable hate vibe coming from the end of the line. Finally the kid finds out what happened, the chicken sticker came off and got stuck on one of the Lean Cuisines (Chicken ala Shame). This nightmare is about over , my reweighed chicken came back and because my body runs on humiliation, I apologize to the line.  I’m thinking “Hey checkout kid, you can join in the apology as well, your ineptitude didn’t help things.” Of course he didn’t, and I slunk off into the night.]


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