Archive for the ‘ I LIKE RECORDS ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 783,033

Slow night, older woman came to the back counter holding a Chris Stapleton cd

I need two of these, I only saw one out there

Sure, we should have some more in the back

Ok, ’cause I need two

Right…I’m gonna grab one from the back…the storeroom 

I want both of them

…ok…I’m going to go in the back, where we have the back stock and get you a second copy

Alright, because I need two

I went into the storeroom and grabbed a second copy, it took about a minute

Here you go, you now have two of them

Thank you…I thought you forgot about me

I hate me, part 775,973

This one is pretty goddamned thin:

Nice sunny Saturday morning, I was walking to work. Some guy who was way to bundled up for the day (coat, hat, scarf, snow goggles) zipped by me on an undersized BMX bike. When I got to work, he was parked, talking to his reflection in the front window, in an exaggerated child’s voice

Records! I like records!…I like Records!

Then to me in an age appropriate voice

You guys open?

Not yet, 9:30 today

ALL RIGHT!…TEN MINUTES!…TEN MINUTES, BRO!…I’LL BE IN…YEAH!

A half hour later, he quickly walked his bike thru the store without looking at any records or saying a word.

I Hate Me, part 766,310

Middle aged hippie guy who I wrote about in the last post came into Jack’s on a Saturday. He never buys anything, complains about prices and gives us tips on how to make the store better. He’ll also comment on customers music selections. There was a couple looking through our Grateful Dead section and he generously gave them his opinion.

“Yeah…ya want to buy those…They’re only the greatest band…and they’re American…so…ya know”

The customers looked at him and walked away with no cd’s, hippie guy sauntered to the back counter where I was.

“Yeah…I just sold some Dead for ya…they’re the greatest band in the world, it’s a fact… Ya know the Stones and those guys they’re not American…they’re just not…they’re English…The Dead…they’re American bro…I should work here ya know”

And off he went.

I hate me, part 752,444

This customer came in, he’s been coming in sporadically for years, middle aged, kind of a wild card. The kind of guy who’s disappointed that we only have Helen Reddy’s greatest hits cd instead all the original albums. Sometimes he comes in with his girlfriend they don’t so much talk as bark short sentences at each other.

Guy- so me an my girlfriend… we’re comin’ into the store…we’re arguing…a little……an this guy…from the pizza place… is looking at us…he’s looking at us!…WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT MAKIN’ PIZZA!…ya know?…pizza…heh…

Me-…yeah…pizza

Guy-…I know, right?

Me-……..yeah…

Guy-you guys get a lot fights in here?

Me-…..in the store?…no, not really

Guy-what would you guys’do?

Me-..I dunno…let em fight and take bets

Guy-…wouldn’t call the cops?

Me-yeah, we’d call the cops

Guy-…cause I almost just got into a fight

Me-…yeah I heard…I gotta get back to work

And I hid in the stockroom

I hate me, part 749,001

Middle aged guy came into the store, windbreaker and mesh back cap with a fish on it. He ended up at the back counter. He was looking for a cd and Matt was his man. Matt is in his thirties and clearly looks like he’s in his thirties.

Guy-What are you…like 50…60?

Matt-(long pause)…yeah…

The guy was standing in front of a record rack. I was in the aisle and I could see that as he was talking to Matt he was calmly cutting his nails with a nail clipper, the nail shards were falling into the record rack, Aaaaughhh!! I stared at him in disbelief, he didn’t notice. The record rack is tall enough where Matt didn’t see what he was doing. Matt asked him to come behind the counter to look at a cd he had on the computer, to make sure it was the one he wanted. The guy stopped cutting his nails but there was a hanging thumbnail, he went behind the counter and his hand with the hanging nail was right above my coffee. I got a better vantage point to see if his goddamn rotten thumbnail was gonna fall into my coffee. So I was giving him the stink eye while chanting a mantra in my head “DON’TFALLOFFDON’TFALLOFFDON’TFALLOFF…”. He finished looking at the computer and gave me a return stink eye (which in retrospect was completely warranted as he had no idea why I was giving him the stink eye and I couldn’t have blurted out “your goddamn nail!”). As he was trundling off he went back to clipping his nails.

I hate me part 732,071

Two loud talking knuckleheads seemingly altered by smoke or drink, one had a sideways baseball cap and the other had a modified ponytail/mullet:

Dude, my phone is fuckin’ slow

…yeah dude

Dude..we need that fuckin’ pizza…can we still get the pizza deal?

Dude, we gotta do it on line…an your fuckin’ phone sucks

I know it’s so fuckin’ slow…can’t we just go over there and say “we want the pizza deal” dude

No,dude it don’t work like that..we gotta do it online…an your fuckin’ phone is sooooo slow, dude.

I gotta fuckin sit down

[both sit on the stairs with a relieved “yeah”, a minute passes]

Dude…did you fuckin’ order yet?

My fuckin’ phone…C’MON!….fuck……..alright!

Dude!

Dude!…Pizza!

And off they went

I Hate Me, part 632,007

It was Sunday 5pm, we were closing up, half the lights were off and we were locking the doors. A large guy steamed in, trailed by 3 toddlers and his wife.
“We’re closing up now sir, if we can help you find something…”
“I know what I want. I wanna pre-order the new Metallica”
“I’m sorry, we don’t do pre-orders and it’s not in our computer yet but I know we’ll have a bunch of the album, were you looking for a special edition box set or the LP version?”
“No…none of that shit, just the regular cd”
“OK, We’ll have a lot so, give us a call and we’ll hold one for you”
Meanwhile his kids are upstairs in the sheet music department beating on the display ukulele’s
“we want a tiny guitar!, we want a tiny guitar!”
“You got tiny guitars!…an you don’t play ‘em!”
“If there’s anything else I can help you with because we’re closing up now”
“yeah..looka this”
He’s scrolling the photos on his phone
“…yeah…just wait…yeah….yeah…..it’s here somewhere…..yeah….”
finally
“yeah, hey lookout this…”
It’s a blurry photo of the guy standing with another guy, who I guess is some rock guy but I don’t know who he is, he just looks like a regular shlub.
“Wow…nice, yeah…cool”
“Ya know who that is right?”
“Yeahyeah…sure…yeah” (nonononono)
Then thankfully his wife piped in
“We gotta go…the baby”
“Yeaaahhh…the baby…alright….”
“Good picture…right bro?”
“yeah…great”
and then they were gone and the long national nightmare was over.

we want tiny guitars!

we want a tiny guitar!