Archive for the ‘ Foodtown (and other supermarkets) ’ Category

Aim lower

We have a large choice of convenience stores to choose from. There’s the lower end of Krauszers and Jersey Pride where some items on the shelves look like they’ve been there for decades to the usual 7-11’s and Wawa’s. Being someone who has lowered his sights considerably and is quite capable of self delusion, I’m throwing my support behind Wawa because it feels like you’ve won something when you shop there. Paying with cash? Your change comes out automatically (untouched by human hands), it’s like you won at a slot machine

Ordering a sandwich? You get a print out like a lottery ticket and when you pick up your sandwich, the ticket pays off.hope I win this sandwich lottery

I won, relatively speaking 

I hate me, part 705,913

There’s a customer who looks like a middle aged hippie that’s had a rough go of it but has top shelve tastes and isn’t afraid to let you know how great his choices in life have been. I saw him at Whole Foods while I was getting a salad and was trying to get away unseen. I overheard him talking loudly in the bakery department to somebody I don’t think he knew.

Yeah…I despise sugar…despise it…I don’t eat it no more…it’s terrible for you

Indiscernible mumbling from other guy who was trying to move away

Well, yeah but I mean processed sugar, bro

More Indiscernible mumbling, more moving away

..yeah…yeah..but that’s not…bro…bro…bro sugar’s bad

I was trying to do an end run and get to the checkout counter

Hey…hey…hey…DUDE

Oh..hey..didn’t see you

Yeah, I come here a lot, it’s the best…simply the best store…I think I’m gonna get me some wine…I usta not drink…but now I like wine…that’s NOT baaaad…ya know and it’s good for you too …all that grape skin…the flavonoids…you know

Yeah…wine..I don’t think you can buy it until 9am (it was 8:45)

Ohhhhhhyeahhhhhh….buuuut it’s wine….it’s good for you

He walked away, I’m at the checkout ringing up my stuff, he appeared behind me with a small chocolate bar

85% pure chocolate bro…this stuff is the best…this shit is good for you…and it’s chocolate…yeah, this is the special stuff…it’s made in Ugundo

Ugundo?

Yeah, Africa bro…this stuff.. yeah (then to the cashier) can I buy wine now?

Cashier- not until nine o’clock

But it’s good for you

I gave a wave and left quickly.

I Hate Me, part 608,813

I went to Foodtown after work. There’s a young guy who works there. Nice guy, real energetic, go-getter type. His family knows Carrie’s family, I think they all went to school together. He periodically asks how various Wyndorfs are. He was outside the entrance having a smoke and he asked how the family was as I was walking through the automatic doors, his last bit was “How’s Sue doing?” Carrie’s older sister Susan sadly passed away a few years ago, something that if you knew the family you would know. “She…uh passed away…” and the automatic door closed as he stood there shocked. Instinctively I walked back towards him but the door only goes one way, I did this at the same time as he walked to the door which opened it, which hit me. Not enough to hurt but enough to make me yell FUCK!
Sorry…
It’s cool, I yelled because the door hit me, not because of what you said
Yeah…… I just saw her…
He stepped back, I guess because he didn’t want to get smoke in the store but the door shut again. Wisely, I didn’t walk into it a second time
Really?…Susan Wyndorf?
No Sue Anderson, You’re her brother right?
No..my name’s Cronin…I got…uh…absorbed into the Wyndorf clan, I’m married to Carrie
Oh yeah…so how’s the family?
Still good
door closed, I shopped, he smoked
StoreImg_RedBank

I Hate Me, part 581,661

How I got coffee on my ear and shoulder
I was at Whole Foods this morning to grab a soup for lunch. While I was there I saw a customer from work who is a longwinded self aggrandizing blowhard. I was trying to avoid him like the plague and was doing a pretty good job until I got to the check out counter. There’s nowhere to hide at the check out, just hope the person you want to avoid isn’t checking out at the same time. So far, so good. I paid for my stuff grabbed my coffee (.25 coffee all month!). Right by the exit is the help counter, the guy was there boring the staff to death with self righteous tales of laziness and expensive stereo gear (his two favorite subjects). Both of my hands were full, my left with the bag of food and my right with a coffee. My usual move here would be the fake phone call, so as I was passing the help counter (on my left) I held the coffee up to my right ear. In my mind this brief passing by would just look like I was holding something small and somewhat phone sized and for all intents and purposes I was on the phone. The guy didn’t even notice me but then somebody came in through the exit door and startled me enough to spill a small amount of coffee on my ear and shirt and get a strange look.
EAR COFFEE

I hate Me part 577,919

In line at Foodtown, woman in front of me sees the kid bag up her stuff in plastic bags and doesn’t say anything until she goes to pick up her groceries. She dumped her stuff out and crumpled up the bags.
I don’t want plastic bags!..no!…no!…no plastic bags!….NO!
She scooped the groceries in her arms and stormed out
The kid staring, non blinking
Jeez, I guess she doesn’t like plastic bags
The kid, snaps back to life
Horseflies…the horseflies, they’re everywhere…in my beard…in my eyes…horseflies in my ears
He’s darting his index finger around to show the path of the horseflies. I see no flies, horse or otherwise.
Horseflies huh
They’re everywhere…they followed me from the baseball field…the morning they’re out there…afternoon…in here……………do you want to donate a dollar to the Boy Scouts?
Uh…no thanks…I donated a couple of days ago
Oh…well you have to the end of the month to donate……….$27.45………….my friends putting their cd out tomorrow…maybe they’ll let me sing…and somebody’ll film it…and it’ll go viral…
I swiped my card to pay
Yeah..well…I guess that’s the dream innit…good luck
Yeaaah
FTLogo

I Hate Me, part 413,900

 

(prologue, foreshadowing) I have a annoying/great air horn app on my phone, it’s great for interrupting people (you’ve gone on too long, “MAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!”) and just generally being annoying.

I was grabbing lunch at Whole Foods (Mac & Cheese: each piece of macaroni was hand crafted on a tiny macaroni lathe and the cheese was sourced at a dairy farm partially owned by the cows) and was eating at one of the tables in the store. I had finished and went to throw out my garbage. I’m somewhat lazy when it comes to recycling. There wasn’t any cans or bottles in my trash but I know if I did a little more research on the all the materials that made up the trash I would’ve/should’ve separated them better. There was a couple of middle aged hipster types (high maintenance facial hair, nerd glasses) chatting right by the garbage. I had my phone out while I was eating and had it in my hand as I was mashing everything into the general garbage can. I don’t know how it happened but I hit the air horn app and dropped the phone with the garbage into the can at the same time. MAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!. The people who were chatting shot me a look, “uurhh… heh…must be a recycling…or garbage alarm”. Dead eye look, building into annoyed glare, back to chatting. I pulled out the can and fished out my phone. I wanted to slink out but since I just stuck my hand in garbage I went and washed my hands and cleaned my phone and then slunk out.

now in convenient phone version

now in convenient phone version

I Hate Me, part 497,451

 

We have an old tree on the side of the driveway, the branches hang over the car. I’m not sure what kind of tree it is, I refer to it as a Shitberry tree. Although I never see any birds on it whatever part of the car is parked under it is covered in industrial strength bird shit and pine(?) needles. I usually don’t notice how bad it is until I get where I’m going, then it’s windex, paper towels and a strong resolve. Unless I’m lazy, which is often, then I just look at it, droop my shoulders and shuffle off to whatever task I’m on. This latest task was Foodtown. I went in, got the few items I had to get and headed to the checkout. There was only two open, one was the normal and one was 20 items or less. There was a woman who was in the 20 items or less that had a huge amount of stuff, well over 20 items. All of it seemed to be fruits, vegetables or bulk food. So there were just little bags and little bags and little bags of items that all had to be identified and weighed. The regular checkout had a long line of people who seemed to be stocking up for the apocalypse. I stood there ruminating on the life choices that had brought me to this spot when an outraged little old lady, who looked like Nancy Reagan with an even bigger head pointed at the woman who had more than 20 items, and shrieked in a surprisingly loud voice “look at her! She can’t count!” to no one in particular. it looked like something that the aliens in Invasion of The Body Snatchers would do. The woman who was working the courtesy desk took pity on me and rang me up. She looked at what what was going on shook her head and said “Must be a full moon.”

"look at her! She can't count!"

“look at her! She can’t count!”