Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I hate me part 786,146

I try to steer clear of unsolicited political discussions with customers, there’s no winners. A guy who’s been coming in for years, never talked politics but I figured he was extreme in his thinking.

This was shortly after the election:

Guy-Trump! Yeah gonna get things done!

Me-I guess he is.

Guy-Ya know Hillary…she just bad….bad……….bad……………..she’s bad

(Waiting for me to respond)

Me-……..

Guy-…yeah…ya know…a vote for Hillary is a vote for Black…Tar…Heroin…..and that’s bad

Me-Really?…black tar heroin?

Guy-Dude…you know me, and I know people and they told me a vote for her was a vote for Black…Tar….Heroin

Me-I heard of a lot of reasons why people didn’t vote for her but not that one

Guy-Look it up, Black…Tar…Heroin. Dude, she’s just evil.

Me-so you’re sayin’ 

Guy-Look it up, dude….Look it up


Another in a series of why my dog hates me. She’s not even Irish 

I Hate Me 742,097

I was out walking the dog and this older couple was trying to parallel park. The guy was driving and the woman was on the sidewalk directing. It was a big old Buick and although they had enough space the angle at which the guy was coming in at spelled disaster. He was also driving so slow that the only way to see that he was actually moving would be to use time lapse photography

Woman-you’re too close

Man-whaaat!!

Woman-you’re too close!….TOO CLOSE!!

Man-What!

Woman-..aughhhh! (looks at me) you…you tell him he’s too close

Me-HEY! You’re too close…pull up a little

Man-who’s that!?!

Woman-some guy with a dog

Man-a guy with a dog?!?

Woman-yes! You’re too close

Man-a guy with a dog is telling me how to park!?!

Woman-I’m telling you!

I wished them luck and kept walking.


Badly inked Thor had nothing to do with this story 

I hate me part 732,071

Two loud talking knuckleheads seemingly altered by smoke or drink, one had a sideways baseball cap and the other had a modified ponytail/mullet:

Dude, my phone is fuckin’ slow

…yeah dude

Dude..we need that fuckin’ pizza…can we still get the pizza deal?

Dude, we gotta do it on line…an your fuckin’ phone sucks

I know it’s so fuckin’ slow…can’t we just go over there and say “we want the pizza deal” dude

No,dude it don’t work like that..we gotta do it online…an your fuckin’ phone is sooooo slow, dude.

I gotta fuckin sit down

[both sit on the stairs with a relieved “yeah”, a minute passes]

Dude…did you fuckin’ order yet?

My fuckin’ phone…C’MON!….fuck……..alright!

Dude!

Dude!…Pizza!

And off they went

I Hate Me, part 632,007

It was Sunday 5pm, we were closing up, half the lights were off and we were locking the doors. A large guy steamed in, trailed by 3 toddlers and his wife.
“We’re closing up now sir, if we can help you find something…”
“I know what I want. I wanna pre-order the new Metallica”
“I’m sorry, we don’t do pre-orders and it’s not in our computer yet but I know we’ll have a bunch of the album, were you looking for a special edition box set or the LP version?”
“No…none of that shit, just the regular cd”
“OK, We’ll have a lot so, give us a call and we’ll hold one for you”
Meanwhile his kids are upstairs in the sheet music department beating on the display ukulele’s
“we want a tiny guitar!, we want a tiny guitar!”
“You got tiny guitars!…an you don’t play ‘em!”
“If there’s anything else I can help you with because we’re closing up now”
“yeah..looka this”
He’s scrolling the photos on his phone
“…yeah…just wait…yeah….yeah…..it’s here somewhere…..yeah….”
finally
“yeah, hey lookout this…”
It’s a blurry photo of the guy standing with another guy, who I guess is some rock guy but I don’t know who he is, he just looks like a regular shlub.
“Wow…nice, yeah…cool”
“Ya know who that is right?”
“Yeahyeah…sure…yeah” (nonononono)
Then thankfully his wife piped in
“We gotta go…the baby”
“Yeaaahhh…the baby…alright….”
“Good picture…right bro?”
“yeah…great”
and then they were gone and the long national nightmare was over.

we want tiny guitars!

we want a tiny guitar!

 

I Hate me, part 619,924

Morning, I Was leaving the bank and walking back to my car, I was wearing my Jacks shirt
“Hey, HEY! Red Bank Music…HEY”
I left my phone in the car so I made a fist and held it to my ear, hopefully to the casual, far away ,half blind observer it might kind of look like I was on the phone. To a keener eye it probably looked like I was grappling with the voices in my head.
“HEY!!…..HEYYYYYYYY!!! Monmouth Music guy…..HEY!!!”
The yelling was closer, I wasn’t gonna make it to my car. I turned around.
A guy, late teens/early twenties was strumming the underside of an acoustic guitar (the side with no strings)
“Hey…music guy…..hey”
“Oh… hey…yeah….yeah”
I kept walking towards my car
“Monmouth Music is a great store…”
“Yeah…they are”
“You work there.”
“No, I work at Jacks”
“Yeah…you’re Jacks”
“I just work there, I’m not Jacks”
I got in my car, he was still strumming away
“I buy all my records there”
“Great”
“ALL…OF…THEM”
“ok then…that’s great…I gotta go”
Later in the afternoon, I was at work, behind the back counter pricing records. The same guy came to the new arrivals section and started looking.
“Hey…I want REO Speedwagon”
“I just put a bunch out, we have a few of the more popular ones”
“No..uh uh…I want the old stuff…you know the good stuff”
“Well, we got a ton of REO, nobody buys it, so you’re in luck”
“I am in luck…I saw that other guy this morning at the bank…you know the big guy..”
“yeah, that was me”
“No…no man…the other guy…but you’re great too”
And off he went, not buying any records.

You know, the good ones

You know, the good stuff

I Hate Me, part 622,917

Last Saturday, hot day, phone call. Gruff, heavy breathing middle aged guy:
Jacks Music, can I help you.
-Hey!…I been out all goddamn day in this humid shit and now I’m inside and I’m callin’ YOU…Howyadoin?
..ok, so watchya need?
-OK now here’s the thing….I LOVE Three Dog Night…LOVE ‘EM! I saw ‘em a bunch of times…Even..In..Europe….OK, got that… So I want a box set of ‘em…ya know all the bells and whistles.
..mmmm…we might have a best of…I’m pretty sure we don’t have a box set, I’ll check
-go check
ok, I’ll go check then…..[I check]……We have a single CD, Complete Hit Singles collection, it’s $9.99
-Wow!…$9.99 for a box set?!?
No, it’s one cd
-All the hits?!?
yeah, they managed to squeeze them all onto one cd.
-How many ya got left?
One, we can hold it at the front counter for you, what’s your name?
-…ok…Jerry
Jerry?
-Don
…alright…it will be at the front counter for Jerry or Don
It’s still there
Three dog night

I Hate Me, part 620,996

Walked into a nearby 7-11 to get some coffee. It was late afternoon, there was a malfunctioning Slurpee machine that was making a constant loud kerrrrrCHUNK…kerrrrCHUNK noise like it was the soundtrack for a David Lynch movie. The only other customer was this guy who was talking on his bluetooth loudly and only saying one thing “then send him a bill…..then send him a bill…then send him a bill…” I got my coffee, as I was heading to the counter, another guy came in, a customer from work who likes to talk. I was not in a chatty mood so I went for the fake phone call. Then this guy sees me and he goes for the fake phone call. We did an acknowledgement nod as we passed, just two guys on fake phone calls.
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