Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 510,521

Still laid up with my foot. Watched the entire series of Breaking Bad in six days along with a bunch of other movies. I still don’t understand Mulholland Drive and I couldn’t find the original Wicker Man on Netflix. I also read a bunch of books including a really interesting one on The Grateful Dead (So Many Roads) , I’m a sucker for band bios regardless of the band. There’s a chapter in the Dead book on their giant concert in Englishtown NJ in 1977. Even though I was 15 and I knew my parents wouldn’t let me go, I had a chance to sneak out with my friend, his older brother and his friends but when it came to buying the tickets I ended spending my money on Black Sabbath-We Sold Our Soul for Rock n Roll. I caught a lot of grief from my friends brother who referred uniformly to anything that was heavier than the Allman Brothers as “Pink Zeppelin and the Fur Lined Jockstrap”.

Anyhow, not much going on. The only thing I came up with was some names for frozen yogurt stores ( there’s a chain around here called “yo-mon”, which annoys me every time I see it):

YO-GERT: Frozen yogurt stand in the gift shop of the Gertrude Stein museum outside of Pittsburgh Pa.

YOYOYO-GURT: Frozen yogurt kiosk at the Duncan Yo-Yo factory commissary in California

 My foot looks like Christopher Lee’s creature from Frankenstein

I hate me, part 563,539

I’m laid up for a couple of weeks because I had an operation on my foot for hammer toe. When I went to the doctor for a diagnoses and he told me I had “hammer toe” I responded in my best MC Hammer voice, “Hammer Toe!”. My doctor is a serious looking guy, like a guy who would play a doctor on a T.V. show and his response was a wan smile due to A) since the early 90’s I’m sure he’s heard that a million times when he diagnoses it , B) it’s not funny and C) my emphatic MC Hammer impersonation probably sounded vaguely racist. The procedure was a success (so good that I ended up with an extra toe! Now I have six on my right foot) and after, as they were preparing me to rejoin society, I was offered crutches or a walker. A walker seemed a little much so I went for the crutches. Not a great idea as I consider crutches and chopsticks distant relatives and I’m pretty terrible with chopsticks. So there’s been a lot of laying around interspersed with death defying feats of tottering around on crutches. Also, my wife is a goddamned saint, by all rights she should have smothered me in my sleep like the Chief did to Jack Nicholson in Cuckoo’s Nest.

  My newest fashion accessory, the shoe hat. Please check out my kickstarter page.

I Hate Me, part 531,902

A couple of notes from Record Store Day, that I wrote and then lost and now found.
1)
Phone call, night before RSD (note: until the line was done there’s a 1 piece per title policy):
Hey…Can I bring my mom, she’s too sick to really move but if I was in line and she showed up when it was my turn, could I buy doubles on stuff
So…you want to use your sick mother, who can’t move to buy doubles on stuff so you could sell the second copies?
Nononono! no…I’m just sayin’…could she come in with me even though she can’t move and stuff…can’t wait in line…just kinda show up when it’s my turn…cause I want two’s on some stuff…cause they might be worth somethin’…someday…I’m just sayin’, could I?
No man, you can’t do that.. that’s not fair to everyone else in line…if you tried something like that you might…you might suffer some harsh justice from the others in line.
No…I’m not gonna do it..I’m just sayin’
No
“click”

2)
11am on RSD the line has been going smoothly since opened at 9am. Middle aged guy with two little kids in tow steams in through the back door
If you’re here for Record Store Day, there’s a line out front
okokok…I just wanna see if you got something..Neko Case-Fox Confessor
Yeah…we got a couple in (I look ) there’s one left.
Lemme get it…that’s all I want.
You gotta wait in line, it’s not fair to everyone who’s been waiting.
Yeah…but I want it…I don’t wanna wait
Well nobody wants to wait…but there’s a line of people who have been here all morning…not fair to them
Not fair..I want it…I’ve been waiting for it…for like two years (one of his kids pulls on his arm)…daddy’s busy!
You can’t cut the line, man… look, call the store at about 1, that’s when the line should be gone. There’s a good chance we’ll still have it.
guy storms out
Not fair…not fair…that’s all I wanted…not fair.
He never called back and it didn’t sell for the rest of the day.

not fair

not fair

I Hate Me, part 572,007

Phone call, sounded like a middle aged man, possibly drunk.
Yeahhh…do you guys got Filthy Shades of Grey
Do you mean Fifty Shades of Grey
Nooooo…Filthy Shades of Grey
What is that..some kind of porn parody like…uh… Backside to the Future?
No…no……no…there’s a song…..
…yeah?
uh..yeah…a song called Earned It and I want the…you know…the tape…of that song…from Filthy Shades…of Grey
I looked up Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack
There’s a song by The Weekend called Earned It on the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack
Earned it…the song…
…yup…on Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack
well…what about Filthy Shades of Grey…does that have a soundtrack?
No…I think it has to be a movie first
alright…lemme think about it.

Oh yeah, that's it

Oh yeah, that’s it

 

I Hate Me part 523,981

[Two for Tuesday]

1)

It was a busy day at work but not busy in normal way. A lot of questions were just partial ones, like I was on a gameshow:
Willieeeee?
…uhhhh…Nelson?
Yes!…I’m sure you know the one I want…..
greatest hits?
no nono…the good one…
DING! DING! DING! DING!, Congratulations! you have won the chance to help a customer who only has a vague idea what they’re looking for!
Red Headed Stranger, that’s a good one.
…ummm no…
well, he does have a lot of albums. Can you remember a song…maybe it was Whiskey River?
noooooo…………ummmmmm………….it’s Ring of Fire
That’s Johnny Cash
hmmmmm…..that doesn’t sound right……
Well, that’s all I got.
[heavy sigh]…ok…lemme check to see if that’s ok…
He left the store having an animated conversation on his phone.

2)

Then there was a couple who were selling a mandolin but they didn’t tell me what it was to start with
I got something I wanna sell.
Ok, what ya got. Cd’s, Albums instruments?
Lemme show ya
Takes out a giant I-phone, starts poking at it
where are those pictures?
(wife) they’re on there.
If you’re selling an instrument, I can get you the right person to talk to
Hold on, hold on lemme show ya…goddamn it where are those pictures
I don’t know anything about instruments. I’ll get you the right guy to talk to
Hold on…here.
shows me a blurry photo of a top of a headstock with some writing
Nice…what is it?
Hold on…look
Shows more of the headstock and part of the neck, it’s a mandolin
Very nice…I know nothing about mandolin’s. Let me get you the right guy.
wait…wait…here
Another picture, it’s like a slow reveal striptease of this guys mandolin.
Like I said, let me get you the right guy for buying this.
Oh, I don’t want to sell it
But you said you wanted to sell it
Oh, but not now. I just wanted to show you.
Oh…thanks
It’s a nice one isn’t it
…yeah

not that kind of mandolin

not that kind of mandolin

 

I hate me part 548,444

I hate me part 548,444

I was walking the dog (aka: Lady Sniff), I had a plastic bag for her leavings. After a few blocks when the bag was filled, an elderly couple stopped their car to let us cross the street. It was a nice gesture and I waved thanks. The hand I waved with was also the hand that held the bag of dog shit. The looks on their faces went from “what a nice man and his cute dog” to “why is that tattooed miscreant waving a bag of dog shit at us?!”. I noticed this, made an exaggerated “sorry!” face, switched the bag to the leash hand and waved again, I got stony looks and flying gravel as they sped off.

I didn't want to post a photo of dog shit, so here's a stereo attacking a woman

I didn’t want to post a photo of dog shit, so here’s a stereo attacking a woman

I Hate Me, part 515,999

 

Old guy who brought a Norah Jones CD to the front counter but didn’t want to buy it came back in a couple of minutes later and was hassling our cashier as to why it was it wasn’t in his bag. I joined this discussion a couple of minutes later:
Where’s my Norah Jones CD
Was it new or used?
Used
O.k.
I looked through the used jazz cd’s and didn’t find it, I walked over to the new cd section.
Here’s a new copy of it
That’s it!
Oh, but I thought you said it was used
I did
But this is new
I know, you must have misheard me
…you said a USED cd and this is a NEW cd
yes
Soooo I didn’t mishear you
yes.
…….
……
Ok, I think we’re done here

The Schrodingers Cat of CD's. Used and new at the same time

The Schrodingers Cat of CD’s. Used and new at the same time

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