Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I Hate Me part 523,981

[Two for Tuesday]

1)

It was a busy day at work but not busy in normal way. A lot of questions were just partial ones, like I was on a gameshow:
Willieeeee?
…uhhhh…Nelson?
Yes!…I’m sure you know the one I want…..
greatest hits?
no nono…the good one…
DING! DING! DING! DING!, Congratulations! you have won the chance to help a customer who only has a vague idea what they’re looking for!
Red Headed Stranger, that’s a good one.
…ummm no…
well, he does have a lot of albums. Can you remember a song…maybe it was Whiskey River?
noooooo…………ummmmmm………….it’s Ring of Fire
That’s Johnny Cash
hmmmmm…..that doesn’t sound right……
Well, that’s all I got.
[heavy sigh]…ok…lemme check to see if that’s ok…
He left the store having an animated conversation on his phone.

2)

Then there was a couple who were selling a mandolin but they didn’t tell me what it was to start with
I got something I wanna sell.
Ok, what ya got. Cd’s, Albums instruments?
Lemme show ya
Takes out a giant I-phone, starts poking at it
where are those pictures?
(wife) they’re on there.
If you’re selling an instrument, I can get you the right person to talk to
Hold on, hold on lemme show ya…goddamn it where are those pictures
I don’t know anything about instruments. I’ll get you the right guy to talk to
Hold on…here.
shows me a blurry photo of a top of a headstock with some writing
Nice…what is it?
Hold on…look
Shows more of the headstock and part of the neck, it’s a mandolin
Very nice…I know nothing about mandolin’s. Let me get you the right guy.
wait…wait…here
Another picture, it’s like a slow reveal striptease of this guys mandolin.
Like I said, let me get you the right guy for buying this.
Oh, I don’t want to sell it
But you said you wanted to sell it
Oh, but not now. I just wanted to show you.
Oh…thanks
It’s a nice one isn’t it
…yeah

not that kind of mandolin

not that kind of mandolin

 

I hate me part 548,444

I hate me part 548,444

I was walking the dog (aka: Lady Sniff), I had a plastic bag for her leavings. After a few blocks when the bag was filled, an elderly couple stopped their car to let us cross the street. It was a nice gesture and I waved thanks. The hand I waved with was also the hand that held the bag of dog shit. The looks on their faces went from “what a nice man and his cute dog” to “why is that tattooed miscreant waving a bag of dog shit at us?!”. I noticed this, made an exaggerated “sorry!” face, switched the bag to the leash hand and waved again, I got stony looks and flying gravel as they sped off.

I didn't want to post a photo of dog shit, so here's a stereo attacking a woman

I didn’t want to post a photo of dog shit, so here’s a stereo attacking a woman

I Hate Me, part 515,999

 

Old guy who brought a Norah Jones CD to the front counter but didn’t want to buy it came back in a couple of minutes later and was hassling our cashier as to why it was it wasn’t in his bag. I joined this discussion a couple of minutes later:
Where’s my Norah Jones CD
Was it new or used?
Used
O.k.
I looked through the used jazz cd’s and didn’t find it, I walked over to the new cd section.
Here’s a new copy of it
That’s it!
Oh, but I thought you said it was used
I did
But this is new
I know, you must have misheard me
…you said a USED cd and this is a NEW cd
yes
Soooo I didn’t mishear you
yes.
…….
……
Ok, I think we’re done here

The Schrodingers Cat of CD's. Used and new at the same time

The Schrodingers Cat of CD’s. Used and new at the same time

I Hate Me, part 530,817

I was out getting drinks with my wife and some friends. The bar we went to was run by a guy I was friendly with but hadn’t seen in quite awhile. He’s a fan of my band The Ribeye Brothers which is really nice and he was telling the woman he was tending bar with about the band. Our first cd is called “If I Had a Horse…”, the title is taken from a blooper reel by ABC-TV announcer Ernie Anderson (He was THE voice of ABC in the 80’s and early 90’s, he was also Ghoulardi, late night horror movie host and father of director Paul Thomas Anderson). The blooper reel is 10+ minutes of the best recorded cursing I’ve ever heard. Anyhow, he says “If I had a horse I’d buy it oats and fuck it” and we sampled it and used it on the title track which is a Link Wray-ish instrumental.
You gotta hear his band, they’re great. He has a song that he sings “If I had a horse I’d buy it oats and fuck it”
I’m mortified. My wife, my brother and my friend Sean are savoring my uncomfortableness
I…I…I..didn’t say that…or sing that…it’s a sample from a TV announcer…a blooper reel..and..
Wait…that’s not you saying “If I had a horse, I’d buy it oats and fuck it”
No…no…no..I didn’t say it…I don’t even know what it means…we thought it was funny..
The barmaid he was telling this to is looking at me with all the disgust that one would give to an admitted horse fucker and I’m verbally dancing like Ali in the ring trying not to be tagged with a bigger embarrassment punch.
No…it’s this guy… Ernie Anderson…he used to announce stuff on ABC tv in the eighties…He’s the father of Paul Thomas Anderson…the director…you know…Boogie Nights…The Master……no?….ok…so this guy….somebody made a blooper reel…of this guy…messing up his lines…and…and…
They had walked away to serve other customers and they were thoroughly unconvinced. I gave the people I was with a “what the fuck just happened” look and Sean said “I didn’t know you fucked a horse”


Ernie Anderson blooper reel from Celebrities at Their Worst (Note: LOTS of cursing)
51xmFa2L5HL._SS500_

I hate me, part 530,602

There was an in store performance at work (Jesse Malin)  it was loud and pretty hectic, I was a little frantic. A middle aged woman came up to the back counter

I’m looking for the album of the year…the Grammy winner, it’s the newest Jeff Beck

No, that was Beck, Morning Phase

Beck? Not Jeff Beck

No, Beck…Beck

Beck Beck?!

Nononono…I’m sorry, just Beck

Justin Beck?

Uh…no…um…Beck…one name like Cher

Ohhhhh…so not Jeff Beck

Not Jeff Beck

Hhmmmmmmm…..I’ll think about it

  Beck Beck

I Hate Me, part 502,881

I was locking up at work on a Sunday, we close at 5pm it was almost 5:30. The lights were off and I was locking the front door. Two guys came up, pretty disheveled and maybe a little drunk.
Don’t close yet man, I got something to sell….
Sorry man we’re closed, we close at five.
Yeah but you’re gonna wanna see what I got…..A brand new accordion…it’s all shiny…
Like I said, we’re closed…you can come back tomorrow but I can tell you, they don’t buy accordions, they’re a tough sell.
Yeah but it’s new…and shiny…man…
Then the other guy pipes in
…An I got…160 Hendrix records, dude.
160…Hendrix records..all 160 are Hendrix records?
Yeah…you know…Hendrix
160?
Yeahhhh…I think….Hendrix
Got ‘em with ya?
Nooooo….
Well come back when ya got ‘em.
…Yeah but what about his accordion…it’s new…it’s shiny
I made a yeah/no face
Sorry man

it's shiny

it’s shiny

 

I hate me, part 548,333

 I was listening to The Best Show Podcast (http://thebestshow.net  or iTunes) a few weeks ago and the host, Tom Scharpling told a great embarrassing story about meeting Patti Smith and then people called in with their stories. Since I couldn’t call in to an already recorded podcast ( see Mr. ShowPre-Taped Call In Show ) here’s my short embarrassing tale.

Disgraced newsman Brian Williams came into Jacks a few years ago. He was nice and friendly to the staff and talked to any customers who stopped him. I was working at the front counter, I didn’t want to be too “cool” to not acknowledge him and I didn’t want to be  “Hey! you’re Brian Williams!”, I would have to walk a fine line. So after he was rung up, I blurted out “HEYMANIDIGYOURNEWS” (translation: Hey Man, I dig your news!). He froze up, looked about an inch over my head and muttered “thank you”. For about a second I thought to myself that it went well, then I looked at the next  customer, who smirked at me and I realized what a complete ass I was.  

  

Never call in to a pre-recorded show

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 125 other followers