Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I hate Me part 577,919

In line at Foodtown, woman in front of me sees the kid bag up her stuff in plastic bags and doesn’t say anything until she goes to pick up her groceries. She dumped her stuff out and crumpled up the bags.
I don’t want plastic bags!..no!…no!…no plastic bags!….NO!
She scooped the groceries in her arms and stormed out
The kid staring, non blinking
Jeez, I guess she doesn’t like plastic bags
The kid, snaps back to life
Horseflies…the horseflies, they’re everywhere…in my beard…in my eyes…horseflies in my ears
He’s darting his index finger around to show the path of the horseflies. I see no flies, horse or otherwise.
Horseflies huh
They’re everywhere…they followed me from the baseball field…the morning they’re out there…afternoon…in here……………do you want to donate a dollar to the Boy Scouts?
Uh…no thanks…I donated a couple of days ago
Oh…well you have to the end of the month to donate……….$27.45………….my friends putting their cd out tomorrow…maybe they’ll let me sing…and somebody’ll film it…and it’ll go viral…
I swiped my card to pay
Yeah..well…I guess that’s the dream innit…good luck
Yeaaah
FTLogo

I Hate Me, part 529,023

Wild eyed freak looking for Darkthrone cd’s
Hey, man…I gotta ‘nother question…maybe you could answer this…I used to play alto sax…I know, right…an then I started taking black and white photos…and…man…man…maaaaan…that’s man…that’s fuckin’…mind-blowing…woah…yeah…yeah……wowhahahahahahaha…yeah..wow…thanks a lot man.

and then he ate my soul.
1000x1000

I Hate Me part 581,006

Phone call a few weeks ago, a fast talking jittery fellow
Hey can you order me a cd, it’s the new one from Black Wolf Goat Fire*
I’ll give it a shot, what’s your name and number
732…you know me I always order stuff from you guys…887
woah…you didn’t give me a full number or your…
(interrupting)…ok so call me…what next week some time?
CLICK
A week goes by, the company was out of the cd. Phone call.
Yeah…did my Black Wolf Goat Fire* cd come in?
No…it did not and you never gave me your name or a complete…
(interrupting)…ok that’s cool…just call me when it come in
CLICK
It didn’t get re-ordered.

* not the name of the band, I have forgotten the actual name

BLACKWOLFGOATFIRE

I Hate Me, part 510,521

Still laid up with my foot. Watched the entire series of Breaking Bad in six days along with a bunch of other movies. I still don’t understand Mulholland Drive and I couldn’t find the original Wicker Man on Netflix. I also read a bunch of books including a really interesting one on The Grateful Dead (So Many Roads) , I’m a sucker for band bios regardless of the band. There’s a chapter in the Dead book on their giant concert in Englishtown NJ in 1977. Even though I was 15 and I knew my parents wouldn’t let me go, I had a chance to sneak out with my friend, his older brother and his friends but when it came to buying the tickets I ended spending my money on Black Sabbath-We Sold Our Soul for Rock n Roll. I caught a lot of grief from my friends brother who referred uniformly to anything that was heavier than the Allman Brothers as “Pink Zeppelin and the Fur Lined Jockstrap”.

Anyhow, not much going on. The only thing I came up with was some names for frozen yogurt stores ( there’s a chain around here called “yo-mon”, which annoys me every time I see it):

YO-GERT: Frozen yogurt stand in the gift shop of the Gertrude Stein museum outside of Pittsburgh Pa.

YOYOYO-GURT: Frozen yogurt kiosk at the Duncan Yo-Yo factory commissary in California

 My foot looks like Christopher Lee’s creature from Frankenstein

I hate me, part 563,539

I’m laid up for a couple of weeks because I had an operation on my foot for hammer toe. When I went to the doctor for a diagnoses and he told me I had “hammer toe” I responded in my best MC Hammer voice, “Hammer Toe!”. My doctor is a serious looking guy, like a guy who would play a doctor on a T.V. show and his response was a wan smile due to A) since the early 90’s I’m sure he’s heard that a million times when he diagnoses it , B) it’s not funny and C) my emphatic MC Hammer impersonation probably sounded vaguely racist. The procedure was a success (so good that I ended up with an extra toe! Now I have six on my right foot) and after, as they were preparing me to rejoin society, I was offered crutches or a walker. A walker seemed a little much so I went for the crutches. Not a great idea as I consider crutches and chopsticks distant relatives and I’m pretty terrible with chopsticks. So there’s been a lot of laying around interspersed with death defying feats of tottering around on crutches. Also, my wife is a goddamned saint, by all rights she should have smothered me in my sleep like the Chief did to Jack Nicholson in Cuckoo’s Nest.

  My newest fashion accessory, the shoe hat. Please check out my kickstarter page.

I Hate Me, part 531,902

A couple of notes from Record Store Day, that I wrote and then lost and now found.
1)
Phone call, night before RSD (note: until the line was done there’s a 1 piece per title policy):
Hey…Can I bring my mom, she’s too sick to really move but if I was in line and she showed up when it was my turn, could I buy doubles on stuff
So…you want to use your sick mother, who can’t move to buy doubles on stuff so you could sell the second copies?
Nononono! no…I’m just sayin’…could she come in with me even though she can’t move and stuff…can’t wait in line…just kinda show up when it’s my turn…cause I want two’s on some stuff…cause they might be worth somethin’…someday…I’m just sayin’, could I?
No man, you can’t do that.. that’s not fair to everyone else in line…if you tried something like that you might…you might suffer some harsh justice from the others in line.
No…I’m not gonna do it..I’m just sayin’
No
“click”

2)
11am on RSD the line has been going smoothly since opened at 9am. Middle aged guy with two little kids in tow steams in through the back door
If you’re here for Record Store Day, there’s a line out front
okokok…I just wanna see if you got something..Neko Case-Fox Confessor
Yeah…we got a couple in (I look ) there’s one left.
Lemme get it…that’s all I want.
You gotta wait in line, it’s not fair to everyone who’s been waiting.
Yeah…but I want it…I don’t wanna wait
Well nobody wants to wait…but there’s a line of people who have been here all morning…not fair to them
Not fair..I want it…I’ve been waiting for it…for like two years (one of his kids pulls on his arm)…daddy’s busy!
You can’t cut the line, man… look, call the store at about 1, that’s when the line should be gone. There’s a good chance we’ll still have it.
guy storms out
Not fair…not fair…that’s all I wanted…not fair.
He never called back and it didn’t sell for the rest of the day.

not fair

not fair

I Hate Me, part 572,007

Phone call, sounded like a middle aged man, possibly drunk.
Yeahhh…do you guys got Filthy Shades of Grey
Do you mean Fifty Shades of Grey
Nooooo…Filthy Shades of Grey
What is that..some kind of porn parody like…uh… Backside to the Future?
No…no……no…there’s a song…..
…yeah?
uh..yeah…a song called Earned It and I want the…you know…the tape…of that song…from Filthy Shades…of Grey
I looked up Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack
There’s a song by The Weekend called Earned It on the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack
Earned it…the song…
…yup…on Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack
well…what about Filthy Shades of Grey…does that have a soundtrack?
No…I think it has to be a movie first
alright…lemme think about it.

Oh yeah, that's it

Oh yeah, that’s it

 

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