Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 402,887

I was walking through the municipal parking lot behind the store and I saw somebody I knew, we had a conversation that was conducted about 25 feet from each other. He wanted to lend me a record he just bought which he thought I would like. I didn’t want to borrow it because I’m not a particularly good borrower:
Me-NO THANKS…I’M NOT A GOOD BORROWER!
Luke-…WHAT!
ME- I’M A SHIT BORROWER!
Luke- WHAT!
Me-SHIT BORROWER…I’M A SHIT BORROWER…DON’T LEND ME ANYTHING!
As I yelled “Shit Borrower” I noticed there was a woman putting packages in her car who was glaring at me. I’m now sure it was because I was cursing loudly in the parking lot. Being a mental patient I thought that she thought I literally borrowed shit from people. It was only a fleeting thought but it was enough where I thought I should (over) explain myself.
Me- No..I meant that I’m not good at borrowing things…not the other thing…the other way…that it could be taken…
I got one last well earned glare and she drove off and I slunk back to work

"neither a borrower nor a lender be" especially when it comes to shit

“neither a borrower nor a lender be” especially when it comes to shit

I Hate Me, Part 367,572

 

Had to go to Foodtown this morning. It should have been quick, a surgical strike but with me being me and Foodtown being Foodtown it went south. I got the stuff I needed and headed to the ten items or less checkout. There was one person ahead of me and she had one bottle of juice and she worked at the store, it was almost like there was no people in front of me but..
Cashier- that’ll be $2.99
Woman- wait I have my savings card, it’s on sale..
The woman started to fumble through a gigantic but seemingly well organized wallet that was packed with nothing but savings cards from various stores.
Woman-..it’s in here somewhere…mmmmm…
She found the card but couldn’t get it out of the wallet, it was stuck. She started wrestling with the wallet, knocking other cards out of it. I was running late so I was weighing the funny/annoying ratio, funny was winning for now.
Cashier-…are those all savings cards?
Woman-oh yeah…they really come in handy…I don’t have any credit cards
They start to have a discussion on the pros and cons of credit cards. Now I’m behind this woman but somewhat hidden by a giant lottery ticket vending machine, so I’m thinking that the cashier doesn’t think there’s anybody else in line and she doesn’t have to move things along. So I stepped to my left so she could see that yes there is a line. Unfortunately, I stepped right in the way of an old man with a full cart, he completely nailed me and I dropped my stuff. Everybody stopped and looked at me as I was picking up my stuff.
Old Man..sorry buddy but you should watch where your walking.
The funny/annoying ratio tipped substantially into the annoying side.
The woman finally got her savings card out and was disappointed that her juice wasn’t on sale and another smaller discussion ensued. Months later I got out, humbled and then some.
Foodtown_SF_CIRCUS_logo

I Hate Me, Part 301,561

As I have mentioned before* when I go to the gym (which isn’t nearly enough) I listen to podcasts, usually Best Show/Tom Scharpling. Unfortunately during our Thanksgiving preparations my headphones were misplaced, they weren’t in the “headphone hutch” where they should have been, so I went to the gym unable to block out the other early morning gym enthusiasts. There was this late middle aged guy, one of a group of guys who pal around there like a cross between a high school gym and a coffee klatch. He was on some contraption that was in front of of an elliptical machine I was using, there were a few women on treadmills nearby as well. So this guy is doing his exercise’s but between each movement he’s letting go with a “feel the burn” roar/groan and then when he was done with his reps got up, did a lap around the machine and looked while not looking at the women to see if they were impressed with his workout regime. They didn’t seem to be. He did this for at least the twenty minutes I was using the elliptical machine. Thank god Carrie found my headphones yesterday

*see Blog 659, “Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me”

I hate me, part 310,006

As I have stated before, I am not a handy man. I have hands and I’m a man but it goes no further. We have a window over the bed that’s drafty. It’s an old window and although it’s not technically broken it has seen better days (years, decades, millennium). I sleep like a rock (if a rock had sleep apnea and was fidgety) but the draft has been bothering Carrie and I said I’d fix it. Now normally I would just tape it up with some Gaff tape but I wanted to do it correctly or as correctly as I am capable of. So I went to Lowes and got a weatherproofing kit which consisted of large thin sheets of plastic and double side tape. After hours of wrestling with tape and plastic and razor blades and a hair dryer to tighten it up, I was done. It wasn’t bad, there was a slight, sliiiight rustling sound when the air hit the plastic sheeting but it was nothing. Until we were in bed and then it sounded like somebody standing behind us crinkling large sheets of cellophane and newspapers. It was pretty unbearable but I acted like I didn’t hear it. It got so bad that Carrie went to sleep in another room and even the dog looked at me with a “hey! what the fuck is that sound..arf!”, I offered a half hearted “it’s not THAT bad”. Today I will be tearing down the weatherproofing and will go back to reliable Gaff tape

Gaff tape is one of the greatest things in the universe, it’s like duct tape but better. It’s as much  cloth as tape and can pretty much fix anything, I found out about it years ago on Monster Magnet’s first tour

Gaff tape is one of the greatest things in the universe, it’s like duct tape but better. It’s as much cloth as tape and can pretty much fix anything, I found out about it years ago on Monster Magnet’s first tour

I Hate Me, part 384,220

We (my wife) are hosting Thanksgiving this year, it’s mostly her family as there’s not much left of mine. I’m not usually around for Thanksgiving so I’m just trying to stay out of the way and and shrink my trash footprint. Which is like a carbon footprint but on a household level, with records, books, and miscellaneous garbage instead of carbon . We got enough bonus points at Foodtown to get a turkey, which is great. We went to Foodtown together (a rare occurrence) I parked our cart which had food in it and we went and analyzed a bunch of frozen turkeys. Before I could stop her, Carrie asked a Foodtown employee his opinion. I’ve had some interaction with this guy, he’s really nice but he’s pretty intense about his opinions. One really big turkey, one kind of big turkey and and extra breast, two smaller turkeys if there’s a lot of leg and wing aficionado’s, size of leftovers. Way too many options. I went to get other stuff we needed but my cart was in the process of being taken away, like it was being towed.
“Hey man, that’s my cart”
-slack jawed stare-
“Yeah, that’s my cart..there’s food in it”
“…oh”
and he kept going, slower but still going
“sorry, I still need it”
I calmly wrestled it out of his hands and went to get towels. As I was zipping down towards paper goods, I saw this woman in front of me and she was weaving slowly down the aisle. I needed to get by her. Like a great running back I saw three moves ahead of me, getting by her and grabbing the towels but like a shitty running back, I didn’t pay attention to my first move and ran the cart into a shelf knocking off a bunch of toilet paper and earning me a glare from the slow weaver. I finally got back to the frozen turkeys where Carrie was being diplomatic
“I really think this one will be fine”
“I don’t know, I think you should get at least an extra breast.”
“Well..”
“You’re making a mistake”
We grabbed our turkey and headed towards the checkout…and freedom.

actual size

actual size

I Hate Me, part 361,910

Daylight savings time was Sunday (Fall-back, Spring-ahead) and Carrie and I went through the house and changed all the clocks that needed changing, bathroom radio, stove, clock radio. Some of them don’t work correctly (read: I have no goddamn idea on how to change them). So the clock on the microwave is now 4 hours and 9 minutes later than it actually is. Dead simple to remember especially with this easy memory tool: four runs in a grand slam and nine players on a baseball field, duh. Anyhow the easiest clock to change our big kitchen clock hasn’t been changed. It’s an old school style clock that’s not to high on the wall to grab, it’s a piece of cake but for some reason (I see the word LAZY lurking behind me) it hasn’t been changed yet and no fewer than 5 times I thought I was really late for something instead of the usual kind of late. I curse the clock but still haven’t changed it. And while I’m at it there’s some annoying beeping coming from an appliance, we don’t have a ton of appliances and it’s driving us (me) goddamned crazy. It’s not a constant beep which would be fairly easy to track down, it’s every five or ten minutes. So I hear a beep from another room, get up look around don’t see anything flashing or otherwise in need of assistance, get bored, go back to what I was doing (nothing), a few minutes later “beep” and the anger notches up just a little bit more. Maybe it was that invisible beep machine I got Carrie for Christmas a couple of years ago.

Also, I am now on Instagram under  feedtim  check it out if your interested in blurry ponderous images with little or no coherent explanation

Not our clock, I took a photo of our clock but I can't seem to send it from my phone to myself. I should just get a  can with string attached

Not our clock, I took a photo of our clock but I can’t seem to send it from my phone to myself. I should just get a can with string attached

I Hate Me, part 390,008/I LIKE RECORDS 81

An over cologned heavy set guy in his thirties dressed in oversized basketball gear brought in a small stack of cd’s to sell. He was loudly talking on his phone while trying to communicate with me through a series of nods and shrugs.
Guy-”yeah, yeah, yeah I’m sellin’ cd’s…yeah you know I don’t like girls…no no no! I LIKE girls but I don’t like…uh real skinny ones..but ah..ya know I don’t like BIG girls.. yeah….uh.. what?!…nonono…no…I ain’t…no, I ain’t shallow…no..look I’ll be honest with you, I’m real smart…I’m into stuff….Yeah, I know I’m big…but I’m…it ain’t..no it ain’t the same…I’m like uh…like a football player…or somethin’…yeah…like that…that kind a big…”
It took me about five seconds to know we couldn’t use any of his cd’s, mostly scratchy Eminem and Limp Bizkit titles but I wanted to hear where his conversation was going.
Me- “sorry man, I can’t use any of these”
Guy- “…hold on ok….(to me)…really bro?!…none of ‘em…can’t use none of ‘em…bro?…c’mon…Bizkit, bro, Bizkit”
I shrugged my shoulders with my palms up, the international sign of “sorry man, can’t help you” and then I vanished into the back room.

"Bizkit, bro. Bizkit"

“Bizkit, bro. Bizkit”

I Hate Me, part 364,322

I had to go to Foodtown after work. I was in a rush because I wanted to get home to see how the Mets were going to lose another game. Included in the shopping list were a bunch of Vitamin Waters, they were on sale so I bought a bunch. There were two registers open, an express 10 Items or Less and a normal register. There was a family who looked like they were stocking up for the coming apocalypse so I went to the express lane. I had a lot more than ten items but less than bomb shelter stock up and there was nobody else, so I figured why not. As soon as I put all the items down and the cashier gave me a “I know there’s more than ten items” smirk, a woman got in line with one carton of milk. The cashier gave her a “Get a load of this asshole with more than ten items” look. I was the jerk but I didn’t really care because my needs as a Mets fan outweighed any unspoken societal contract with the rest of the world. I got all my bags and headed to the car. Yes, I still use plastic bags. We reuse them for cleaning up the Duchess’s leavings on her walks and I’m doing an extensive art project with them, a 70 foot tall bile duct made entirely of plastic bags and my dreams. I got to the car and was putting everything in the back seat and some of the vitamin waters fell out of the bag. Fuck! one went under the car and I was cursing and chasing down rolling bottles of vitamin water. I put them back in the bag and they fell out again. Augggghhhhh! Godfuckingdammitfuckfuckfuck! This happened ONE MORE TIME and then as the slowest man on the planet, I realized there was a hole in the side of the bag. I just threw the bottles in the back of the car and went home to watch the Mets lose.

the soup is actually served in a bowl made from a Haddock

the soup is actually served in a bowl made from a Haddock

I Hate Me, part 311,998

I just got a new phone. I use the alarm on the phone to wake me up in the morning. I set up the alarm on the new phone forgetting that the old phone was still on. This morning Carrie had to get up and leave the house really early so I was left without an alarm safety net (“we should get up”). So the new phone alarm went off, seconds later the old phone which I had put on a shelf across the room went off. Normally if I was more awake I would’ve handled it with the customary aplomb I’m known for. I knocked the new phone off of the bedstand where it got swallowed up by a stack of books, so in a triage moment I went to the shelf where I proceeded to knock the old phone off it and it fell behind a pile of records, “MAHP,MAHP,MAHP,MAHP…”,EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE…”. I took me about 20 minutes (actual time 20 seconds) to find and turn off both alarms but I was awake.

my new phone

my new phone

I hate me, part 319,098/I like Records 80

Late middle-aged tire kicker. The kind of person who always asks for records that nobody ever has, much less seen. This usually leads to a conversation about how cool they are. The problem (one of many) with this guy was he didn’t really have all his info.
Guy-What’s the hardest record to find?
Me-uhhh, I don’t know…Any record I’m lookin’ for is hard to find.
Guy- Nuh uh…there’s a Stones record I’m looking for, I used to have it. It’s really rare…really hard to find…
Me-…(waiting)…which one is it?
Guy-I don’t know
Me-Nothin’?…no song titles?…no description of what the cover looks like?
Guy-..(defeated)..Yeah, that’s what makes it hard to find.
That’s like if Captain Ahab forgot everything about Moby Dick
Ahab-There’s a giant sea creature that I’m after…And it haunts me! We have to find it!
QueegQueg- What kind of creature be this?
Ahab-..I don’t know
Queegqueg-Oy vey

yeah, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for

yeah, I’m not really sure what I’m looking for

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 772 other followers