Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 502,881

I was locking up at work on a Sunday, we close at 5pm it was almost 5:30. The lights were off and I was locking the front door. Two guys came up, pretty disheveled and maybe a little drunk.
Don’t close yet man, I got something to sell….
Sorry man we’re closed, we close at five.
Yeah but you’re gonna wanna see what I got…..A brand new accordion…it’s all shiny…
Like I said, we’re closed…you can come back tomorrow but I can tell you, they don’t buy accordions, they’re a tough sell.
Yeah but it’s new…and shiny…man…
Then the other guy pipes in
…An I got…160 Hendrix records, dude.
160…Hendrix records..all 160 are Hendrix records?
Yeah…you know…Hendrix
160?
Yeahhhh…I think….Hendrix
Got ‘em with ya?
Nooooo….
Well come back when ya got ‘em.
…Yeah but what about his accordion…it’s new…it’s shiny
I made a yeah/no face
Sorry man

it's shiny

it’s shiny

 

I hate me, part 548,333

 I was listening to The Best Show Podcast (http://thebestshow.net  or iTunes) a few weeks ago and the host, Tom Scharpling told a great embarrassing story about meeting Patti Smith and then people called in with their stories. Since I couldn’t call in to an already recorded podcast ( see Mr. Show- Pre-Taped Call In Show ) here’s my short embarrassing tale.

Disgraced newsman Brian Williams came into Jacks a few years ago. He was nice and friendly to the staff and talked to any customers who stopped him. I was working at the front counter, I didn’t want to be too “cool” to not acknowledge him and I didn’t want to be  “Hey! you’re Brian Williams!”, I would have to walk a fine line. So after he was rung up, I blurted out “HEYMANIDIGYOURNEWS” (translation: Hey Man, I dig your news!). He froze up, looked about an inch over my head and muttered “thank you”. For about a second I thought to myself that it went well, then I looked at the next  customer, who smirked at me and I realized what a complete ass I was.  

  

Never call in to a pre-recorded show

I Hate Me, part 538,530

An older guy came in with a stack of records. He said he used worked in the “industry”, I thought he meant music but when he opened his yap I realized that whatever industry he was in had nothing to do with music. The records were beat to shit but the titles were good enough where I had to through all of them. He commented on the albums as I was looking through them.
Jeff Beck…He’s dead right?
Nope, still kicking
Then… Jimmy Page, he’s dead.
Nope
Claptonnnn…?
Sorry to report, he’s still around
Well, which one of them is dead?
Jack Bruce just died
Who?
He was in Cream…with Clapton
No
No?…and Johnny Winter died.
Nooooooo…I’m pretty sure he’s alive. I saw him open for Led Zeppelin on their first tour in 197…3
Really?…Good show was it?
Oh YEAH…Are sure Jimmy Page is still alive?
Yup
I was looking at the condition of Sly & the Family Stone-There’s a Riot Goin’ On
Yeah…I seen him too…Guy and… the Family…..guy
Sly? Sly & the Family Stone?
Yeah..sumtin like that.
I ended up buying nothing from him

Yeeahh...Guy...and uh the Family....guy

Yeeahh…Guy…and uh the Family….guy

I Hate Me, part 565,271

We were busy and short handed at work, a phone call about records came in. Older guy:
I saw an ad…you guys buy records…the big ones?
Yeah we buy the LP’s. Rock,blues,jazz,soul. No big band,no easy listening,no classical.
Ok…I got a lot about fifty..mainly rock
Great…just bring ‘em down and we’ll check them…
Donovan…
…yes…You don’t have to tell me all of them…if you know what you have and…
The Monkees..
YES…like said…if they’re mainly rock just bring…
Tom…Petty?
Yes…
Another Donovan..
Yes…all Donovan…if it’s even remotely rock just bring it down
Well I don’t want to load up my car with records if you don’t want them…Springsteen…
Yes
Queen
Yes
The Rolling Stones
…yes
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Yeah
Tom Petty…is this the same Tom Petty record?…Could I have two of them?
…I don’t…look, I have another customer here who needs help. Just bring all the records down to the store…if you need help getting them out of your car, we can send somebody out to help you.
…so you’re interested?
Yes
-click-
About fifteen minutes goes by and I get another call about records
David Bowie…
What?…who is this?
I just called about the records… how about David Bowie
…yes
The Who
….(sigh)….yes
All of them?
Yes, all of them…Look…We..Want..To..Buy..Your..Records
Oh…Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
Yes…any variation of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young…solo albums…whatever you got.
Barry Manilow
…(sigh)…we don’t ever buy his stuff but…fuck it, I’ll buy it if its in with the rest of the stuff.
I have a few of them…
…I don’t care…just bring them down…bring them ALL down…
Hmmm…ok…let me think about it.
-click-

possible deal breaker

possible deal breaker

I Hate Me, part 523,991

(note:I think this happened in 81 or 82. I just finished Be Stiff:The Stiff Records Story by Richard Balls (surprisingly not a fake name) and it reminded me of this story)

When I was younger for some reason I was convinced that if you went to the offices of record companies and asked for free stuff you would get a ton of cool things. I have no idea what made me think that, I don’t know anybody that it ever happened to but I was convinced. So  I talked my brother and a friend into going up to New York, I sold it to them as a chance to go to McSorley’s Ale House which was an exotic destination for a bunch of knuckle draggers from Keansburg. Once we got up there and had a few rounds I was going to get some free stuff (nobody used the word “swag” then) from record companies, they owed me. We got into Manhattan drank a bit and then went to Swan Song Records, I was a big Led Zeppelin fan and I figured they’d have, posters, stickers, badges, maybe even a small replica of The Object (from the album Presence) just for the fans who cared enough to make the trip. We lasted about 5 seconds in the Swan Song offices. Three drunken oafs demanding free stuff was not what anybody there wanted to see and we were brusquely shown the door. The next and last stop was Stiff Records, whose office was much smaller but the result was the same. I did manage to steal the sign off of their door, so I had something to show for the day besides a hangover.
Stiff sign

I hate me, part 541,966

I’m going away on tour next week ( I do lights for Monster Magnet) and I’ve started packing, and outside of the usual socks and underwear, everything else that’s going are clothes that get a lemon face and a “You’re wearing that?” from Carrie whenever I try to sneak them into my starting lineup. She has a good point, they mostly look like clothes that somebody would wear if they were asked to be in a police lineup for bums. Stains that have become part of the shirt design, tears that look like they designed for undiscovered appendages. Ill fitting, not in a “too big, too small” way but in a “are you sure that shirt was designed for a human?” way. So these misfit clothes will be doing battle with the rock venues of Europe. Some won’t return, they will not be mourned.

I have seen the greatest shirts of my generation destroyed by madness

I have seen the greatest shirts of my generation destroyed by madness

I Hate Me, part 561,174

A few shorter things:

-For a while now I thought that “Phablet” meant “Fabulous Tablet” and not a giant phone/tiny tablet.

-Eating lunch by myself at a chinese restaurant a few weeks ago. As I was reading the paper and and just shoveling General Tso’s chicken into my gaping maw, a piece of the chicken fell off the fork and landed on my shirt, without a second thought I stabbed it with my fork and ate it. Right after I did that I realized that I was fulfilling Carrie’s very real fear that I’m not fit for society and little more than just a woodland creature stuffed into a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt, Baby Huey crossed with a rabid Paddington Bear.

-Guy calls the store:
I want The Drifters album What you See is What you Get
I think that’s The Dramatics, I don’t think the Drifters had an album with that title, I’ll check
……….Yeah, that’s the Dramatics-Whatcha See is Whatcha Get, and we’re out of stock on it.
Ok, I’ll be down to check it out.
There’s nothing to check out. No album by that name exists by the Drifters and we are out of stock on the cd by The Dramatics called Whatcha See is Whatcha get
No no …No I want the Drifters ALBUM What You See is What You Get.
It doesn’t exist.
So you’re out of it
…yeah

mistaken for fabulous tablet

mistaken for fabulous tablet

 

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