Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 581,661

How I got coffee on my ear and shoulder
I was at Whole Foods this morning to grab a soup for lunch. While I was there I saw a customer from work who is a longwinded self aggrandizing blowhard. I was trying to avoid him like the plague and was doing a pretty good job until I got to the check out counter. There’s nowhere to hide at the check out, just hope the person you want to avoid isn’t checking out at the same time. So far, so good. I paid for my stuff grabbed my coffee (.25 coffee all month!). Right by the exit is the help counter, the guy was there boring the staff to death with self righteous tales of laziness and expensive stereo gear (his two favorite subjects). Both of my hands were full, my left with the bag of food and my right with a coffee. My usual move here would be the fake phone call, so as I was passing the help counter (on my left) I held the coffee up to my right ear. In my mind this brief passing by would just look like I was holding something small and somewhat phone sized and for all intents and purposes I was on the phone. The guy didn’t even notice me but then somebody came in through the exit door and startled me enough to spill a small amount of coffee on my ear and shirt and get a strange look.

I Hate Me, part 510,729

Phone call, another metal guy, a bit frantic:
Hey man…I NEED some black metal
Ok, who are you looking for?
I dunno…but it’s gotta be extreme bro…really EXTREME…you know the blackest metal…it don’t have to be European either.
Wellllll…we got a bunch of metal, some black, some know it would really help if you knew what you’re looking for… you should checkout some stuff online…might give you an idea of what you’re looking for
what?…no…no bro…no…you know what I want, you know. The blackest stuff….thick…extreme…heavy and blazing thrash…blazing…you know, bro….I guess they can be Norwegian…but it’s gotta be black metal…gotta
Yeah..that doesn’t make a lot of sense. Look, go onto YouTube look for black metal, check out some some stuff, find out what you like and then go from there.
Noooo…no..I don’t trust YouTube…But you got metal, right bro?
…yeah we got metal
mmmmm…I might just come down and check it out

still waiting

I hate Me part 577,919

In line at Foodtown, woman in front of me sees the kid bag up her stuff in plastic bags and doesn’t say anything until she goes to pick up her groceries. She dumped her stuff out and crumpled up the bags.
I don’t want plastic bags!!…no!…no plastic bags!….NO!
She scooped the groceries in her arms and stormed out
The kid staring, non blinking
Jeez, I guess she doesn’t like plastic bags
The kid, snaps back to life
Horseflies…the horseflies, they’re everywhere…in my beard…in my eyes…horseflies in my ears
He’s darting his index finger around to show the path of the horseflies. I see no flies, horse or otherwise.
Horseflies huh
They’re everywhere…they followed me from the baseball field…the morning they’re out there…afternoon…in here……………do you want to donate a dollar to the Boy Scouts?
Uh…no thanks…I donated a couple of days ago
Oh…well you have to the end of the month to donate……….$27.45………….my friends putting their cd out tomorrow…maybe they’ll let me sing…and somebody’ll film it…and it’ll go viral…
I swiped my card to pay
Yeah..well…I guess that’s the dream innit…good luck

I Hate Me, part 529,023

Wild eyed freak looking for Darkthrone cd’s
Hey, man…I gotta ‘nother question…maybe you could answer this…I used to play alto sax…I know, right…an then I started taking black and white photos…and…man…man…maaaaan…that’s man…that’s fuckin’…mind-blowing…woah…yeah…yeah……wowhahahahahahaha……thanks a lot man.

and then he ate my soul.

I Hate Me part 581,006

Phone call a few weeks ago, a fast talking jittery fellow
Hey can you order me a cd, it’s the new one from Black Wolf Goat Fire*
I’ll give it a shot, what’s your name and number
732…you know me I always order stuff from you guys…887
woah…you didn’t give me a full number or your…
(interrupting)…ok so call me…what next week some time?
A week goes by, the company was out of the cd. Phone call.
Yeah…did my Black Wolf Goat Fire* cd come in?
No…it did not and you never gave me your name or a complete…
(interrupting)…ok that’s cool…just call me when it come in
It didn’t get re-ordered.

* not the name of the band, I have forgotten the actual name


I Hate Me, part 510,521

Still laid up with my foot. Watched the entire series of Breaking Bad in six days along with a bunch of other movies. I still don’t understand Mulholland Drive and I couldn’t find the original Wicker Man on Netflix. I also read a bunch of books including a really interesting one on The Grateful Dead (So Many Roads) , I’m a sucker for band bios regardless of the band. There’s a chapter in the Dead book on their giant concert in Englishtown NJ in 1977. Even though I was 15 and I knew my parents wouldn’t let me go, I had a chance to sneak out with my friend, his older brother and his friends but when it came to buying the tickets I ended spending my money on Black Sabbath-We Sold Our Soul for Rock n Roll. I caught a lot of grief from my friends brother who referred uniformly to anything that was heavier than the Allman Brothers as “Pink Zeppelin and the Fur Lined Jockstrap”.

Anyhow, not much going on. The only thing I came up with was some names for frozen yogurt stores ( there’s a chain around here called “yo-mon”, which annoys me every time I see it):

YO-GERT: Frozen yogurt stand in the gift shop of the Gertrude Stein museum outside of Pittsburgh Pa.

YOYOYO-GURT: Frozen yogurt kiosk at the Duncan Yo-Yo factory commissary in California

 My foot looks like Christopher Lee’s creature from Frankenstein

I hate me, part 563,539

I’m laid up for a couple of weeks because I had an operation on my foot for hammer toe. When I went to the doctor for a diagnoses and he told me I had “hammer toe” I responded in my best MC Hammer voice, “Hammer Toe!”. My doctor is a serious looking guy, like a guy who would play a doctor on a T.V. show and his response was a wan smile due to A) since the early 90’s I’m sure he’s heard that a million times when he diagnoses it , B) it’s not funny and C) my emphatic MC Hammer impersonation probably sounded vaguely racist. The procedure was a success (so good that I ended up with an extra toe! Now I have six on my right foot) and after, as they were preparing me to rejoin society, I was offered crutches or a walker. A walker seemed a little much so I went for the crutches. Not a great idea as I consider crutches and chopsticks distant relatives and I’m pretty terrible with chopsticks. So there’s been a lot of laying around interspersed with death defying feats of tottering around on crutches. Also, my wife is a goddamned saint, by all rights she should have smothered me in my sleep like the Chief did to Jack Nicholson in Cuckoo’s Nest.

  My newest fashion accessory, the shoe hat. Please check out my kickstarter page.


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