Archive for the ‘ humor? ’ Category

Reprint: The Son Also Sets

[I’ve been swamped with Record Store day stuff this week and anything I wrote was more dickish than mildly funny. So here’s a reprint]

This is a reprint from The Manhattaner magazine (Dec, 2010)
Being the son of a minor celebrity has it’s perks as well as it’s drawbacks. Being the son of a minor celebrity with a bad reputation is mostly drawbacks. Being the son of the late infamous “shock rocker” Kevin Michael “GG” Allin and following in his musical footsteps might be the toughest row to hoe. Meet Adof Hiltleer Allin, the twenty five year old son of GG Allin. “Yeah, I know. What’s up with that name, right? Well you know my dad’s crazy sense of humor,  he wanted to name me Adolph Hitler Allin but he was pretty wasted when he was filling out the name card.” Adof’s upbringing was unconventional at best, stories like driving the tour van when he was six years old because he was the most sober don’t paint the whole picture though. “Bet you didn’t know dad was avid Yahtzee player, he was.   Most people think life with GG Allin  was just filth, feces and drugs, and yeah, there was a lot of that but there was also a lot of quiet time, or brain time as dad used to call it. Besides the Yahtzee he was also an amateur botanist and let me tell you when he was wasted and he demanded the correct latin name of a plant, usually something that he had shoved up his ass during a performance and you didn’t know the right name for it, he’d break out the botany books and give long lectures, he was very passionate about it. Some nights the band wouldn’t start the show on time because dad was teaching us about dwarf azaleas or something.” Adof doesn’t like to dwell on his childhood, summing it up with “It was pretty weird being the littlest Murder Junkie” (a reference to Allins band at the time). The young Allin prefers to look to the future, “I’ve taken some cues from dad and I started singing, I’m changing my name to Little Wretched. I’m gonna be doing updated versions of the oldies, Elvis, Little Richard, Roy Orbison stuff like that but I’m gonna add that little extra Allin zing. You know, changing some lyrics, porn ‘em up a little. They’ll be blood, drugs and of course feces and who knows maybe some Yahtzee as well.”

Beware the brown dice

 

T.V. Guide Fall Preview 1980 (part 3)

The exciting conclusion (click on image to enlarge)
tv guide 80 54tv guide 80 48tv guide 80 49tvguide802

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tvguide 80 17tv guide 80 41tv guide 80 38tv guide 80 52tv guide 80 50tv guide 80 51tv guide 80 53tv guide 80 55tv guide 80 22

in the wings-1

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in the wings-2

tv guide 80 23tv guide 80 37tv guide 80 36tv guide 80 35tv guide 80 34tv guide 80 31tv guide 80 44

 

T.V. Guide Fall Preview 1980 (part 2)

Here’s some more from 1980 (click on image to enlarge)tv guide 80 33tvguide 80 15

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tv guide 80 24tv guide 80 28tv guide 80 32
tv guide 80 30 tv guide 80 45tv guide 80 47tv guide 80 46tv guide 80 43tv guide 80 42tv guide 80 40tv guiude 80 29tvguide 80 16tv guide 80 58

T.V. Guide Fall Preview 1980 (part 1)

Here’s another T.V. Guide Fall Preview, 1980 (click on image to enlarge)
tvguide80 1tvguide 80 6tvguide 80 7tvguide 80 3tv guide80 5
tvguide 80 10tvguide 80 8tvguide 80 4
tv guide 80 25tv guide 80 26tv guide 80 27tv guide 80 39tv guide 80 38tvguide 80 9

Reprint: St. Patrick and the snakes, a short play

[Here’s another St. Patricks thing I wrote about five years ago]

-Pious legend credits St. Patrick with banishing snakes from Ireland-

[A pub shortly after St. Patrick got rid of all of Irelands snakes. Patrick (he wasn’t a Saint yet), knocking back a few pints with some friends and celebrating a snake free ireland]
KEY: P-
St. Patrick, J-James Fitzhugh
J– “Hey, Patrick!”
P– “You are correct sir. Hey why the long face brother, I just got rid of all the snakes. C’mon have a pint.”
J– “Yeah, I know you got rid of all the goddamned snakes, I’m James Fitzhugh. You know owner of Fitzhughs Snake Circus.”
P– “Uh… so..uh.. how’s it going James….Drink?”
J– “No I don’t want a goddamned drink. How’s it going?! I’ll tell you how it’s going! You just wiped me out. Those were trained snakes, it took me years to train them. You’ve seen it, those snakes would bite their own tail and form a wheel and roll around…It was magnificent! So where are my snakes?”
P– “Um..uh..uh (quietly) I uh led them..um…all the snakes…led them into the sea.”
J– “The sea, the goddamned sea. why?!”
P- “Uh..God…uh… You see God …God told me to.”
J- “…Really? …God told you to. this has nothing to do with me charging your son full price at the Snake Circus last month, does it? I mean Christ, Patrick. It’s kids twelve and under get let in for free and your boy has got to be what, fifteen or so.”
P- “Look, God told me to get rid of the snakes, ok. Deal with it….and…and my son is twelve, he’s just big for his age. He should have been let in for free.”
J- “So it IS about not letting your kid in for free. You bastard, you destroy my business and kill all the snakes in Ireland just to get even with me…out of spite!”
P– “Uh…um…God uh…um…uuh…”
J- “Yeah, yeah I know, your pal God told you to do this. You know you’ve screwed the country with this little stunt, with no snakes we’ll be overrun with toads and rats, nice going.”
P– “Hey James! Is that one of your snakes over there in the corner?”
(of course, there’s no snake but while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door)
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St. Patricks day police blotter (reprint)

[This is a thing i wrote a few years ago, I’m reposting because of St. Patricks Day]

Police Blotter, March 17th

-A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Monday evening. Police are still investigating.

-O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Monday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

-The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Tuesday morning. Police are still investigating.

-The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Tuesday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

-A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Tuesday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

-An altercation Tuesday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

-A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Tuesday Evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.
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McDonalds Failures: Part 234, The Shamrock McRib

In 1997 McDonalds attempted to combine two of their most popular limited time items, The Shamrock Shake and the McRib Sandwich. This hybrid combined the McRib pork-like sandwich with a special green “Shamrock Sauce” served on a dyed green roll. It was introduced at a small number of McDonalds restaurants in Iowa and reactions ranged from spontaneous vomiting to a full fledged riot before it was pulled two days into it’s trial run. Although not as disastrous as their foray into medicine (McDentist) it was a definite black eye for the company.
shamrock mcrib

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