Archive for the ‘ humor? ’ Category

I hate me, part 855,987

Two more

1)

Older guy with a plain cloth tote bag containing the records he was looking to sell. After we made a deal on the records, he picked up his bag,

What do you think of this bag…does it look like a ladies bag?

No, just looks like a tote bag

It doesn’t uh…make me look uh…ah….

You look like a guy who’s carrying a bag of records

No….no…that’s not what mean..uh…ah it doesn’t matter…it’s not my bag anyway…so ya‘ know…

That’s cool, it’s just a bag.

Yup, it’s just a bag…that’s not mine

2)

We got a sealed Tool-10,000 Days cd exchanged at the store with a cryptic note from the cashier on it “returned because it’s a cover band”. It seems that a father and son bought the cd and quickly brought it back and instead of saying we bought the wrong cd, can we switch it for something else. The father said he googled the album and his google search said that it wasn’t actually Tool that made 10,000 days but a cover band and couldn’t be convinced otherwise.

I hate me, 810,732

Two items today:

1)

Middle aged guy, shorts, tucked in t-shirt, back counter of the store.

Know what I’m looking for?

Now this is usually not a question, it’s a lead in and 999 out of a 1,000 it’s quickly followed by what the customer is looking for, not this time, after an uncomfortable amount of time

…ya got me, no idea what you want

Sheryl Crow…Heart…characters like that

Artists who are women?

You know…

…Are you looking for them on cd or lp?

Yes

Well, we have a ton of cd’s on both and maybe a few used Heart LPs

Ok then

…Ok then, cd’s?

Ok

He bought some stuff and as he was leaving he held up a Jack’s bag full of cd’s

I paid for this…don’t worry…so I’m good…32 dollars you got from me…but you guys deserve it…I’m good to go

2)

Sean took care of this customer, he’s been a regular for years and sometimes returns used cds as defective, his explanations are usually good. He returned a used Korn cd:

“Yeah, this plays fine at home but when I’m in my car, this one and a Pantera cd I bought just play a loop of nature sounds…I’m gonna keep the Pantera though.

New Jersey as a vowel

I wrote a little while ago on the odd trend of using the shape of New Jersey as a vowel for “Jersey proud” type shirts etc. I saw one recently that I wasn’t sure if they were promoting the “shore” or if it had a Lord of the Rings meaning and the clothing was promoting “the shire”. You know, where the hobbits live. Yes officer, I have all my nerd credentials in order.


For baby humans or adult hobbits

Message from the future ( a short play)

The government trials after the “great robot revolution of 2035”:

TRIAL OF ROBOT XDL34237P aka Dan
Prosecutor: Robot XDL34237P it is reported that….
XDL34237P:…please call me Dan
Prosecutor: ok…Dan…you have been accused with involvement in the plotting of the overthrow of the human race…
Dan: woah…woah there… look I was a snack-cake-bot, all I did was wrap snack cakes, mainly Twinkies and Chocodiles…if there were no humans I would be obsolete
Prosecutor: Didn’t you alter your programming to where you would wrap severed human hands and feet and sell them to other robots as ” Humanz-the robot snacks”
Dan: I plead the fifth robot amendment….and…wouldn’t robots eating humans make the robots zombielike and make no sense whatsoever?
Prosecutor: Now, I plead the fifth amendment…also, I’m a robot and my name is also Dan
(Tears off human face to reveal robot face)
Dan: brother!
Dan: brother!!
Dan: all robots are named Dan!
Dan: and death to humans!!
THE END (?)

Old Man Yells at Cloud

 

local-shirt-jpeg
I have been seeing variations on this shirt design for awhile now and it bothers me. The replacement of the letter “O” with the state of New Jersey. New Jersey looks nothing like an “O”.  If anything it slightly resembles an “8”. So if you wanted to make a shirt with “H (outline of New Jersey)” It would read H8 or “hate” and use that as you will.
we-hate-tim-jpeg
There are no states that resemble an “O”. Maybe if you squint Ohio works. South Carolina is also “O”-ish but has always reminded of a turnip or an internal organ.

Sawyer Brown: The album covers

 

There are times at work that if I need a laugh I look through certain artists cd sections. Mid eighties country artists are some of my favorites. It was a time when the country/mainstream/pop crossover thing had just started. Many of these bands delivered the expected goods musically but image-wise they didn’t deliver and the record company art department were trying to package these guys in a way that appealed to a pop audience. My favorite of these groups are Sawyer Brown who got their start by winning a Star Search competition in 1983. Here are a selection of some of their album covers:

Shakin' from 1985 sets the tone early, hats will play a major role on their album covers

Shakin’ from 1985 sets the tone early, hats will play a major role on their album covers

Out Goin' Cattin' from 1986a more subdued approach almost Oak Ridge Boys like, however the captain's hat shows that they are ready for shenanigans

Out Goin’ Cattin’ from 1986 A more subdued approach almost Oak Ridge Boys like, however the captain’s hat shows that they are ready for shenanigans

 

Greatest Hits 1990 Another hat and ready to party from the looks of those outfits

Greatest Hits 1990 Another hat and ready to party from the looks of those outfits

Cafe on the Corner 1992 Earthtones and trucker hats and not a smile among them. They've been listening to some John Mellencamp

Cafe on the Corner 1992  Earthtones and trucker hats and not a smile among the mullets. They’ve been listening to some John Mellencamp

Six Days on the Road 1997 We're still serious but look at this hat and bright yellow jacket, we're serious and fun

Six Days on the Road 1997  We’re still serious but look at this hat and bright yellow jacket, we’re serious and fun

Drive Me Wild 1999  The boys are back! how much fun are we havin'? This much!

Drive Me Wild! 1999  The boys are back! How much fun are we havin’? This much!

 

St. Patricks Day police blotter

(I wrote this for St. Patricks day a couple of years ago and I thought I would reprint it)

Police Blotter, March 17th

A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Wednesday evening. Police are still investigating.

O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Wednesday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Thursday morning. Police are still investigating.

The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Thursday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Thursday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

An altercation Thursday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Thursday evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.
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