Archive for the ‘ humor? ’ Category

Reprint: St. Patrick and the snakes, a short play

[Here’s another St. Patricks thing I wrote about five years ago]

-Pious legend credits St. Patrick with banishing snakes from Ireland-

[A pub shortly after St. Patrick got rid of all of Irelands snakes. Patrick (he wasn’t a Saint yet), knocking back a few pints with some friends and celebrating a snake free ireland]
KEY: P-
St. Patrick, J-James Fitzhugh
J- “Hey, Patrick!”
P- “You are correct sir. Hey why the long face brother, I just got rid of all the snakes. C’mon have a pint.”
J- “Yeah, I know you got rid of all the goddamned snakes, I’m James Fitzhugh. You know owner of Fitzhughs Snake Circus.”
P- “Uh… so..uh.. how’s it going James….Drink?”
J- “No I don’t want a goddamned drink. How’s it going?! I’ll tell you how it’s going! You just wiped me out. Those were trained snakes, it took me years to train them. You’ve seen it, those snakes would bite their own tail and form a wheel and roll around…It was magnificent! So where are my snakes?”
P- “Um..uh..uh (quietly) I uh led them..um…all the snakes…led them into the sea.”
J- “The sea, the goddamned sea. why?!”
P- “Uh..God…uh… You see God …God told me to.”
J- “…Really? …God told you to. this has nothing to do with me charging your son full price at the Snake Circus last month, does it? I mean Christ, Patrick. It’s kids twelve and under get let in for free and your boy has got to be what, fifteen or so.”
P- “Look, God told me to get rid of the snakes, ok. Deal with it….and…and my son is twelve, he’s just big for his age. He should have been let in for free.”
J- “So it IS about not letting your kid in for free. You bastard, you destroy my business and kill all the snakes in Ireland just to get even with me…out of spite!”
P- “Uh…um…God uh…um…uuh…”
J- “Yeah, yeah I know, your pal God told you to do this. You know you’ve screwed the country with this little stunt, with no snakes we’ll be overrun with toads and rats, nice going.”
P- “Hey James! Is that one of your snakes over there in the corner?”
(of course, there’s no snake but while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door)
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St. Patricks day police blotter (reprint)

[This is a thing i wrote a few years ago, I’m reposting because of St. Patricks Day]

Police Blotter, March 17th

-A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Monday evening. Police are still investigating.

-O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Monday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

-The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Tuesday morning. Police are still investigating.

-The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Tuesday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

-A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Tuesday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

-An altercation Tuesday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

-A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Tuesday Evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.
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McDonalds Failures: Part 234, The Shamrock McRib

In 1997 McDonalds attempted to combine two of their most popular limited time items, The Shamrock Shake and the McRib Sandwich. This hybrid combined the McRib pork-like sandwich with a special green “Shamrock Sauce” served on a dyed green roll. It was introduced at a small number of McDonalds restaurants in Iowa and reactions ranged from spontaneous vomiting to a full fledged riot before it was pulled two days into it’s trial run. Although not as disastrous as their foray into medicine (McDentist) it was a definite black eye for the company.
shamrock mcrib

Reprint: Baby New Year meets Old Man Old Year

[note: this is a reprint of something I did 5 years ago. I changed the dates to make it more topical. It was submitted to the “Incredibly short and extremely stupid- play festival” but was not accepted. Any theatre company wishing to perform this play, please contact the author]

Baby New Year meets Old Man Old Year

[Backstage: Baby New year; top hat, diapers, 2015 sash. Old Man Old Year; top hat diapers, 2014 sash.]

Baby New Year (BNY)-Make way granpa, hot stuff comin’ thru.

Old Man Old Year (OMOY)-Pffffffffffft! Old Man!? I’m 12 months old.

BNY-Sure, that’s great. Move it along old timer.

OMOY-See this sash, it says 2014. Why would an old man be wearing a top hat, diapers and a 2014 sash.

BNY-Mmmmmm I dunno, you’re senile and you shit your pants.

OMOY- Grrrrrrrrr, I’ll shit YOUR pants, boy!

BNY- You’ll shit MY pants, what the fuck does that mean.

OMOY-Look you little asshole have some respect…

BNY- (a dull stare)

OMOY-…gaze upon me for this is your future young one, this is what twelve long months does to you.

BNY-Greeeeaaaaat…are you done flappin’ those old gums.

OMOY- yeah, I guess so…Hey, is there still an open bar.

BNY-Jesus, I’m A FUCKING BABY, I don’t drink, I don’t know if there’s an open bar, I don’t care if there’s an open bar, ok?. Christ look at the time, I gotta go.

OMOY-For fucks sake, can I get a goddamned drink around here!
Baby_New_Year_Frame

reprint: American Santa vs. Russian Santa

[note: I did this a couple of years ago and it fits this time of year]

American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

While going thru some of my parents’ old things, I came across a cold war era Christmas pamphlet that was distributed by the Bayonne Decency League (the BDL) entitled The American Santa Claus. Here’s an excerpt comparing the American Santa with the Russian Santa:

* The American Santa delivers toys and candy.
* The Russian Santa delivers savage beatings.

* The American Santa wears a red suit the same color as the proud red stripes of the American flag.
* The Russian Santa wears a suit stained red with the blood of innocents.

* The American Santa has friendly, patriotic reindeer pulling his sled thru the night sky.
* The Russian Santa has bloodthirsty flying wolves pulling a dilapidated prison wagon around.

* The American Santa puts toys and treats into stockings hung with care.
* The Russian Santa slops sour borscht into hollowed out peasant feet that are crudely nailed to a wall.

* The American Santa eats milk and cookies left out for him by boys and girls.
* The Russian Santa feasts on children’s dreams and drinks their frightened tears.
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reprint: Town Frowner

[I was taking the garbage out to the curb this morning. In it was a large packing box, some of it could have been recycled but it was festooned with packing styrofoam and I just said fuck it and put it out with the trash. A neighbor walked by and gave me the stink eye because I should have recycled it. To make a boring story even longer, it reminded me of a blog I posted awhile ago. drum roll….]

Town Frowner
Times are tough and sometimes you have to be inventive to find your own niche. With this in mind here’s a new job I invented just for me, The Town Frowner. A brief explanation: I would be hired by the town of Red Bank (where I live and work) to walk around town*. Wherever there was new construction or building improvements I would go and stand in front of the building in question, wearing a ceremonial uniform (based on those worn by European royalty; a crown,ermine cape and bejeweled scepter) and depending on my mood, either smile or frown. A smile would mean “good job, carry on” and I’d add a small positive comment like “That bird feeder looks like a tiny version of your house, well done” or “Kudos, those gargoyles are sufficiently gruesome”. Of course a frown would be a death knell for the project and all work would stop. A short derisive comment would be added as well, for example “ Hold up there buddy, a two car garage?! Who do you think you are Donald Trump?”, or “What’s with the new lawn? You’re setting a bad example for us plain folks, just paint the dirt green like the pilgrims did.” or “Two dogs!?! What do think this is a zoo?” Ok, to be honest I’ve been doing the Town Frowner thing on a freelance basis for awhile now and I’ve actually said those things to various townsfolk. Unfortunately most people don’t take my criticism in the spirit it was given and I’ve heard it all from my so-called neighbors; “nut job”, “Get off my property”, “kook”, “Is that my veal?”, “crazy person”, “put on some pants”. I’ve also been pelted with rocks and garbage, but I’m not giving up. I think if I was made official Town Frowner incidents of punching and insulting me would go down and I wouldn’t be arrested as much. Clearly a win, win situation. Your move Red Bank.

*If it was inclement weather I would have a horse drawn carriage at my disposal

Wide_Mouth_Closed_Frown

More trouble for Led Zeppelin

By G.T. Seaver, The A&P press

The rock band Led Zeppelin has been in the news of late. With the start of a massive reissue series of their back catalog and legal problems stemming from a song writing dispute concerning their song “stairway to heaven” (a heavy staple of classic rock radio). Now more problems seem to be on the horizon for the still popular rock band as professor John Milner a musicologist at Norton University has made a shocking claim. “It appears that the band Led Zeppelin wrote none of their own songs, they are all stolen from other bands, individuals or in a small number of cases very intelligent pets”. Professor Milner goes on to say “The only song we think they might have written themselves was Hot Dog from the album In Through The Out Door”. A comprehensive list of all of Led Zeppelin’s songs and the artists that professor Milner claims to have written them will be forth coming. There has been no response from any Led Zeppelin representatives.

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