Archive for the ‘ humor? ’ Category

New Jersey as a vowel

I wrote a little while ago on the odd trend of using the shape of New Jersey as a vowel for “Jersey proud” type shirts etc. I saw one recently that I wasn’t sure if they were promoting the “shore” or if it had a Lord of the Rings meaning and the clothing was promoting “the shire”. You know, where the hobbits live. Yes officer, I have all my nerd credentials in order.


For baby humans or adult hobbits

Message from the future ( a short play)

The government trials after the “great robot revolution of 2035”:

TRIAL OF ROBOT XDL34237P aka Dan
Prosecutor: Robot XDL34237P it is reported that….
XDL34237P:…please call me Dan
Prosecutor: ok…Dan…you have been accused with involvement in the plotting of the overthrow of the human race…
Dan: woah…woah there… look I was a snack-cake-bot, all I did was wrap snack cakes, mainly Twinkies and Chocodiles…if there were no humans I would be obsolete
Prosecutor: Didn’t you alter your programming to where you would wrap severed human hands and feet and sell them to other robots as ” Humanz-the robot snacks”
Dan: I plead the fifth robot amendment….and…wouldn’t robots eating humans make the robots zombielike and make no sense whatsoever?
Prosecutor: Now, I plead the fifth amendment…also, I’m a robot and my name is also Dan
(Tears off human face to reveal robot face)
Dan: brother!
Dan: brother!!
Dan: all robots are named Dan!
Dan: and death to humans!!
THE END (?)

Old Man Yells at Cloud

 

local-shirt-jpeg
I have been seeing variations on this shirt design for awhile now and it bothers me. The replacement of the letter “O” with the state of New Jersey. New Jersey looks nothing like an “O”.  If anything it slightly resembles an “8”. So if you wanted to make a shirt with “H (outline of New Jersey)” It would read H8 or “hate” and use that as you will.
we-hate-tim-jpeg
There are no states that resemble an “O”. Maybe if you squint Ohio works. South Carolina is also “O”-ish but has always reminded of a turnip or an internal organ.

Sawyer Brown: The album covers

 

There are times at work that if I need a laugh I look through certain artists cd sections. Mid eighties country artists are some of my favorites. It was a time when the country/mainstream/pop crossover thing had just started. Many of these bands delivered the expected goods musically but image-wise they didn’t deliver and the record company art department were trying to package these guys in a way that appealed to a pop audience. My favorite of these groups are Sawyer Brown who got their start by winning a Star Search competition in 1983. Here are a selection of some of their album covers:

Shakin' from 1985 sets the tone early, hats will play a major role on their album covers

Shakin’ from 1985 sets the tone early, hats will play a major role on their album covers

Out Goin' Cattin' from 1986a more subdued approach almost Oak Ridge Boys like, however the captain's hat shows that they are ready for shenanigans

Out Goin’ Cattin’ from 1986 A more subdued approach almost Oak Ridge Boys like, however the captain’s hat shows that they are ready for shenanigans

 

Greatest Hits 1990 Another hat and ready to party from the looks of those outfits

Greatest Hits 1990 Another hat and ready to party from the looks of those outfits

Cafe on the Corner 1992 Earthtones and trucker hats and not a smile among them. They've been listening to some John Mellencamp

Cafe on the Corner 1992  Earthtones and trucker hats and not a smile among the mullets. They’ve been listening to some John Mellencamp

Six Days on the Road 1997 We're still serious but look at this hat and bright yellow jacket, we're serious and fun

Six Days on the Road 1997  We’re still serious but look at this hat and bright yellow jacket, we’re serious and fun

Drive Me Wild 1999  The boys are back! how much fun are we havin'? This much!

Drive Me Wild! 1999  The boys are back! How much fun are we havin’? This much!

 

St. Patricks Day police blotter

(I wrote this for St. Patricks day a couple of years ago and I thought I would reprint it)

Police Blotter, March 17th

A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Wednesday evening. Police are still investigating.

O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Wednesday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Thursday morning. Police are still investigating.

The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Thursday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Thursday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

An altercation Thursday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Thursday evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.
20130317-2329171-e1425228293201

James Bond 13 original themes

The cover on this James Bond collection (which came in 1983) seems like they’re trying to combine the different elements of Sean Connery and Roger Moore but they ended up with a rendering that looks like a mean Dick Van Dyke. Dick Van Dykes only Bond movie A Dollop of Affability did poorly at the box office. 

FullSizeRender copyFullSizeRenderFullSizeRender (4)dick-van-dyke-chitty97

A history of smoking

Scan 8My cousin dropped off a bunch of photos of my family I don’t think I’d ever seen. This is my dad and I, it’s not dated but I think it’s from 1963 and I’m one and a half. I think he’s smoking a Parliment, he smoked them for awhile. He smoked 3 packs a day. He tried a pipe when I was young, which I think coincided with either mutton-chops or an English Sgt. Major’s mustache (the kind that need mustache wax), I guess he was going thru a phase. He later smoked Benson and Hedges, then Merit, Merit Ultra Lights and then inexplicably wound up smoking Vantage Ultra Light Menthol’s. When my brother and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas or his birthday he would say “A 1928 MG or a carton of cigarettes”. He never got the MG.