Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 876,882

I love going to the diner, it’s not specifically a Jersey thing but I’ve seen more proper diners here than anywhere else. It was one of the first places where as a teenager I was taken seriously as a customer. I’d go in by myself with a couple of comic books order a burger and a coke and I was treated like any other adult customer. I don’t go a lot anymore but it’s always a treat when I do. The two main ones by me are The Americana, which has a bunch of small sun bleached baseball statues by the entrance which answers the question “what would Mickey Mantle look like as an albino?” and The All Seasons which used to be called The Four Seasons (I figured they got some inside information that a fifth season was going to be added so they wanted beat the rush on a name change). I used to go here kind of a lot and occasionally ordered a Vanilla Coke. A waitress there who I’m sure was just treating me like a regular (here’s the Vanilla Coke guy) brought one every time I went in. Most times I just wanted water or coffee but I always got a Vanilla Coke. So instead of telling her I didn’t want one, I just stopped going there. Yesterday I went to the Americana, it was crowded, got a table, ordered (cheeseburger, fries, coffee). The waitress was an older woman, fast with the enthusiastic practiced banter, a real pro. When she brought my food:

Here you go, honey, enjoy

I will, try and stop me!

Now, I was trying to match her enthusiasm but my enthusiastic response was a bit over the top and I sounded like a psycho. She just kind of looked at me and I realized that I had possibly overstepped the social contract between server and customer, I stammered a “it looks great” but the damage was done. She did come by to refill my coffee and leave the check, with a subdued “I’ll just leave this here”. Yes, I over tipped.

I Hate Me, part 833,970

Went to Foodtown after I got out of work, it was close to closing time for them and I grabbed the couple of things I needed and went to the self checkout. I know I should be using the cashier checkouts but I was feeling fairly anti-social and didn’t want any human interaction, no matter how small. I was paying in cash and it wouldn’t accept a $5 I put in. The kid who was minding the checkouts came over really quickly and:

I’ll get you a different five

No, that’s cool, I got another one, that ones seen better days

No, no I’ll be right back with another five

No, really….please……..don’t….

And he was gone, but he didn’t come right back, he was talking to the person at the courtesy desk and it felt like I could have paid the bill in pennies, one penny after another and it would have been faster then him getting a different five. Finally he came back and put the new five dollar bill into the machine with all the flourish of a ribbon cutting ceremony.

Yeah, when I saw that five you were trying to use…I KNEW it wasn’t gonna work…the machine hates worn out fives….and so do I

I mumbled a thanks and slunk out

I hate me, part 862,999

Phone call, sounded like a middle aged woman:

(phone rings) Jack’s Music…

… (silence)…

Hello..Jack’s Music

…oh, I thought you said “not Jack’s Music”

Uh…no…this is Jack’s Music…answering the phone “not Jack’s Music” is kind of uh…odd …don’t you think

Ummm….well if you were somebody that…uh got a lot of wrong numbers calling you… looking for Jack’s Music, you…um…might answer the phone that way…

…ok…uh…well what can I help you with

Ummm…now I’ve forgotten…I’ll call back

Maybe this store exists somewhere

I hate me, part 850,301

Middle aged couple, looked like they were killing time waiting for a table at a nearby restaurant, they guy did all the talking.

I’m looking for a band…………

Uh huh, none of our used records are on file but it’s alphabetical in that row you’re standing by

I’m not sure if you got ‘em……..I don’t know if you know ‘em……I don’t know where to look……..

Well it’s alphabetical

DUKE JUPITER!

If we had any they’d be in D

Can you look it up?

None of our used records are on file

Found one! Yeah!….awwww, I already got this…you got the other ones….they got different covers, I think they’re white.

Yeah, I don’t know if we have any others

Dude, I need ‘em….even cassettes….but not this one (holds up the album that he didn’t want)

Yeah, sorry man, whatever’s out there

(Heavy sigh, mumbled to his wife as they were leaving)…I would have taken cassettes

I hate me, part 817,045

Friday night, middle aged guy, kind of wired, at the back counter:

You got that AIDS benefit from the 70’s or the 80’s…Queen was in it

Do you mean Live Aid the big benefit for the famine in Africa that Queen played?

Naaahh…it was for AIDS…lots of bands, Queen…you know AIDS…live AIDS.

Do you mean the concert that was in the film Bohemian Rhapsody?

Yeah, Live AIDS…you know the guy from Queen…uh…he had AIDS..so, uh Live AIDS.

We don’t have it

I hate me part 888,751

Older middle aged guy, a little drinky, looking through the new arrivals LP rack

Yeah, so records are back, are these in any order?

I explained our filing system

So, no good stuff…I’m surprised you don’t have the good…popular stuff.

Well, popular stuff sells.

Yeah, but are you telling me people are still buying the Stones?

Yeah, Rolling Stones records sell.

Really? I took my daughter to see ‘em…so…you have a guy in his 50’s taking a 30 year old to see a 70 year old…amazing…so where’s the good stuff?…Olton John, I don’t see his stuff in the O’s

Well, his name is Elton John and we file him in the J’s

Oh… so where’s the good stuff?

I did a fake phone call and hid in the back until he left

I hate me, part 829,040

Call gets sent to the back counter, looking for a dvd, sounds like a middle aged guy.

Yeah, I’m looking for the Bruce Davidson Willard, not that other piece of garbage

(Willard is a 1971 movie about a guy who trains rats to kill for him, it was remade in 2003 with Crispin Glover)

Ok..let me check

*heavy sigh* ok

It’s just available as a dvd/Blu-ray combo. Which means 2 discs, one is a Blu-ray and one is a regular dvd. We don’t have it but we can order it in

Yeah, I ain’t got a Blu-ray

Well there’s two discs in the package, one is a regular dvd and one is a Blu-ray

Why do they do that?

I don’t know, man.

So you have it in the store

No, we have to order it in, takes about a week, it’s $24.99

An that’s for a blu-ray that I ain’t gonna watch and a regular dvd

Yup

So, you guys ain’t got it?

We do not

*Click*

Not that other piece of garbage