Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 876,882

I love going to the diner, it’s not specifically a Jersey thing but I’ve seen more proper diners here than anywhere else. It was one of the first places where as a teenager I was taken seriously as a customer. I’d go in by myself with a couple of comic books order a burger and a coke and I was treated like any other adult customer. I don’t go a lot anymore but it’s always a treat when I do. The two main ones by me are The Americana, which has a bunch of small sun bleached baseball statues by the entrance which answers the question “what would Mickey Mantle look like as an albino?” and The All Seasons which used to be called The Four Seasons (I figured they got some inside information that a fifth season was going to be added so they wanted beat the rush on a name change). I used to go here kind of a lot and occasionally ordered a Vanilla Coke. A waitress there who I’m sure was just treating me like a regular (here’s the Vanilla Coke guy) brought one every time I went in. Most times I just wanted water or coffee but I always got a Vanilla Coke. So instead of telling her I didn’t want one, I just stopped going there. Yesterday I went to the Americana, it was crowded, got a table, ordered (cheeseburger, fries, coffee). The waitress was an older woman, fast with the enthusiastic practiced banter, a real pro. When she brought my food:

Here you go, honey, enjoy

I will, try and stop me!

Now, I was trying to match her enthusiasm but my enthusiastic response was a bit over the top and I sounded like a psycho. She just kind of looked at me and I realized that I had possibly overstepped the social contract between server and customer, I stammered a “it looks great” but the damage was done. She did come by to refill my coffee and leave the check, with a subdued “I’ll just leave this here”. Yes, I over tipped.

I Hate Me, part 833,970

Went to Foodtown after I got out of work, it was close to closing time for them and I grabbed the couple of things I needed and went to the self checkout. I know I should be using the cashier checkouts but I was feeling fairly anti-social and didn’t want any human interaction, no matter how small. I was paying in cash and it wouldn’t accept a $5 I put in. The kid who was minding the checkouts came over really quickly and:

I’ll get you a different five

No, that’s cool, I got another one, that ones seen better days

No, no I’ll be right back with another five

No, really….please……..don’t….

And he was gone, but he didn’t come right back, he was talking to the person at the courtesy desk and it felt like I could have paid the bill in pennies, one penny after another and it would have been faster then him getting a different five. Finally he came back and put the new five dollar bill into the machine with all the flourish of a ribbon cutting ceremony.

Yeah, when I saw that five you were trying to use…I KNEW it wasn’t gonna work…the machine hates worn out fives….and so do I

I mumbled a thanks and slunk out

I hate me, part 862,999

Phone call, sounded like a middle aged woman:

(phone rings) Jack’s Music…

… (silence)…

Hello..Jack’s Music

…oh, I thought you said “not Jack’s Music”

Uh…no…this is Jack’s Music…answering the phone “not Jack’s Music” is kind of uh…odd …don’t you think

Ummm….well if you were somebody that…uh got a lot of wrong numbers calling you… looking for Jack’s Music, you…um…might answer the phone that way…

…ok…uh…well what can I help you with

Ummm…now I’ve forgotten…I’ll call back

Maybe this store exists somewhere

I hate me, part 850,301

Middle aged couple, looked like they were killing time waiting for a table at a nearby restaurant, they guy did all the talking.

I’m looking for a band…………

Uh huh, none of our used records are on file but it’s alphabetical in that row you’re standing by

I’m not sure if you got ‘em……..I don’t know if you know ‘em……I don’t know where to look……..

Well it’s alphabetical

DUKE JUPITER!

If we had any they’d be in D

Can you look it up?

None of our used records are on file

Found one! Yeah!….awwww, I already got this…you got the other ones….they got different covers, I think they’re white.

Yeah, I don’t know if we have any others

Dude, I need ‘em….even cassettes….but not this one (holds up the album that he didn’t want)

Yeah, sorry man, whatever’s out there

(Heavy sigh, mumbled to his wife as they were leaving)…I would have taken cassettes

I hate me, part 817,045

Friday night, middle aged guy, kind of wired, at the back counter:

You got that AIDS benefit from the 70’s or the 80’s…Queen was in it

Do you mean Live Aid the big benefit for the famine in Africa that Queen played?

Naaahh…it was for AIDS…lots of bands, Queen…you know AIDS…live AIDS.

Do you mean the concert that was in the film Bohemian Rhapsody?

Yeah, Live AIDS…you know the guy from Queen…uh…he had AIDS..so, uh Live AIDS.

We don’t have it

I hate me part 888,751

Older middle aged guy, a little drinky, looking through the new arrivals LP rack

Yeah, so records are back, are these in any order?

I explained our filing system

So, no good stuff…I’m surprised you don’t have the good…popular stuff.

Well, popular stuff sells.

Yeah, but are you telling me people are still buying the Stones?

Yeah, Rolling Stones records sell.

Really? I took my daughter to see ‘em…so…you have a guy in his 50’s taking a 30 year old to see a 70 year old…amazing…so where’s the good stuff?…Olton John, I don’t see his stuff in the O’s

Well, his name is Elton John and we file him in the J’s

Oh… so where’s the good stuff?

I did a fake phone call and hid in the back until he left

I hate me, part 829,040

Call gets sent to the back counter, looking for a dvd, sounds like a middle aged guy.

Yeah, I’m looking for the Bruce Davidson Willard, not that other piece of garbage

(Willard is a 1971 movie about a guy who trains rats to kill for him, it was remade in 2003 with Crispin Glover)

Ok..let me check

*heavy sigh* ok

It’s just available as a dvd/Blu-ray combo. Which means 2 discs, one is a Blu-ray and one is a regular dvd. We don’t have it but we can order it in

Yeah, I ain’t got a Blu-ray

Well there’s two discs in the package, one is a regular dvd and one is a Blu-ray

Why do they do that?

I don’t know, man.

So you have it in the store

No, we have to order it in, takes about a week, it’s $24.99

An that’s for a blu-ray that I ain’t gonna watch and a regular dvd

Yup

So, you guys ain’t got it?

We do not

*Click*

Not that other piece of garbage

I hate me, part 855,987

Two more

1)

Older guy with a plain cloth tote bag containing the records he was looking to sell. After we made a deal on the records, he picked up his bag,

What do you think of this bag…does it look like a ladies bag?

No, just looks like a tote bag

It doesn’t uh…make me look uh…ah….

You look like a guy who’s carrying a bag of records

No….no…that’s not what mean..uh…ah it doesn’t matter…it’s not my bag anyway…so ya‘ know…

That’s cool, it’s just a bag.

Yup, it’s just a bag…that’s not mine

2)

We got a sealed Tool-10,000 Days cd exchanged at the store with a cryptic note from the cashier on it “returned because it’s a cover band”. It seems that a father and son bought the cd and quickly brought it back and instead of saying we bought the wrong cd, can we switch it for something else. The father said he googled the album and his google search said that it wasn’t actually Tool that made 10,000 days but a cover band and couldn’t be convinced otherwise.

I hate me, 810,732

Two items today:

1)

Middle aged guy, shorts, tucked in t-shirt, back counter of the store.

Know what I’m looking for?

Now this is usually not a question, it’s a lead in and 999 out of a 1,000 it’s quickly followed by what the customer is looking for, not this time, after an uncomfortable amount of time

…ya got me, no idea what you want

Sheryl Crow…Heart…characters like that

Artists who are women?

You know…

…Are you looking for them on cd or lp?

Yes

Well, we have a ton of cd’s on both and maybe a few used Heart LPs

Ok then

…Ok then, cd’s?

Ok

He bought some stuff and as he was leaving he held up a Jack’s bag full of cd’s

I paid for this…don’t worry…so I’m good…32 dollars you got from me…but you guys deserve it…I’m good to go

2)

Sean took care of this customer, he’s been a regular for years and sometimes returns used cds as defective, his explanations are usually good. He returned a used Korn cd:

“Yeah, this plays fine at home but when I’m in my car, this one and a Pantera cd I bought just play a loop of nature sounds…I’m gonna keep the Pantera though.

I hate me , part 884,907

End of the day closing. We made the announcements, closing in 10 minutes…closing in 5..we’re closed. The last people, a middle aged couple, headed up front with nothing. Then they saw a rack of Jack’s Music shirts. the guy (who was looking at the shirts) was roughly my size, XXL.

(holds up shirt to show his wife) I think I can fit into a large

…I don’t know…are you sure?…maybe something….bigger?

Nah, I got this…(looks at the shirt again)…you think something bigger?

Yes…bigger…yes

(He holds up an XL)…this’ll be good, right?

It’s now about five minutes after we closed, and there is no way that this guy is fitting into an XL, so I piped in.

“Look man, we’re about the same size and I’m wearing a XXL of that shirt, they fit good.”

He looked me up and down, made a lemon face

…yeah…I think I’m gonna go with the XL

He finally headed to the counter, as he was getting rung up

…maybe I’ll try this on…just to make sure it fits (looks at his wife)…right?

He wore a polo shirt and he tried to put the t-shirt over that. It didn’t go well and I’m thinking “if the shirt doesn’t fit, you must acquit”, after a long minute of shirt wrestling, he admitted defeat and bought the XXL. And the long national nightmare was over