Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

I hate me part 786,146

I try to steer clear of unsolicited political discussions with customers, there’s no winners. A guy who’s been coming in for years, never talked politics but I figured he was extreme in his thinking.

This was shortly after the election:

Guy-Trump! Yeah gonna get things done!

Me-I guess he is.

Guy-Ya know Hillary…she just bad….bad……….bad……………..she’s bad

(Waiting for me to respond)

Me-……..

Guy-…yeah…ya know…a vote for Hillary is a vote for Black…Tar…Heroin…..and that’s bad

Me-Really?…black tar heroin?

Guy-Dude…you know me, and I know people and they told me a vote for her was a vote for Black…Tar….Heroin

Me-I heard of a lot of reasons why people didn’t vote for her but not that one

Guy-Look it up, Black…Tar…Heroin. Dude, she’s just evil.

Me-so you’re sayin’ 

Guy-Look it up, dude….Look it up


Another in a series of why my dog hates me. She’s not even Irish 

I Hate Me 742,097

I was out walking the dog and this older couple was trying to parallel park. The guy was driving and the woman was on the sidewalk directing. It was a big old Buick and although they had enough space the angle at which the guy was coming in at spelled disaster. He was also driving so slow that the only way to see that he was actually moving would be to use time lapse photography

Woman-you’re too close

Man-whaaat!!

Woman-you’re too close!….TOO CLOSE!!

Man-What!

Woman-..aughhhh! (looks at me) you…you tell him he’s too close

Me-HEY! You’re too close…pull up a little

Man-who’s that!?!

Woman-some guy with a dog

Man-a guy with a dog?!?

Woman-yes! You’re too close

Man-a guy with a dog is telling me how to park!?!

Woman-I’m telling you!

I wished them luck and kept walking.


Badly inked Thor had nothing to do with this story 

Message from the future ( a short play)

The government trials after the “great robot revolution of 2035”:

TRIAL OF ROBOT XDL34237P aka Dan
Prosecutor: Robot XDL34237P it is reported that….
XDL34237P:…please call me Dan
Prosecutor: ok…Dan…you have been accused with involvement in the plotting of the overthrow of the human race…
Dan: woah…woah there… look I was a snack-cake-bot, all I did was wrap snack cakes, mainly Twinkies and Chocodiles…if there were no humans I would be obsolete
Prosecutor: Didn’t you alter your programming to where you would wrap severed human hands and feet and sell them to other robots as ” Humanz-the robot snacks”
Dan: I plead the fifth robot amendment….and…wouldn’t robots eating humans make the robots zombielike and make no sense whatsoever?
Prosecutor: Now, I plead the fifth amendment…also, I’m a robot and my name is also Dan
(Tears off human face to reveal robot face)
Dan: brother!
Dan: brother!!
Dan: all robots are named Dan!
Dan: and death to humans!!
THE END (?)

I hate me part 732,071

Two loud talking knuckleheads seemingly altered by smoke or drink, one had a sideways baseball cap and the other had a modified ponytail/mullet:

Dude, my phone is fuckin’ slow

…yeah dude

Dude..we need that fuckin’ pizza…can we still get the pizza deal?

Dude, we gotta do it on line…an your fuckin’ phone sucks

I know it’s so fuckin’ slow…can’t we just go over there and say “we want the pizza deal” dude

No,dude it don’t work like that..we gotta do it online…an your fuckin’ phone is sooooo slow, dude.

I gotta fuckin sit down

[both sit on the stairs with a relieved “yeah”, a minute passes]

Dude…did you fuckin’ order yet?

My fuckin’ phone…C’MON!….fuck……..alright!

Dude!

Dude!…Pizza!

And off they went

Old Man Yells at Cloud

 

local-shirt-jpeg
I have been seeing variations on this shirt design for awhile now and it bothers me. The replacement of the letter “O” with the state of New Jersey. New Jersey looks nothing like an “O”.  If anything it slightly resembles an “8”. So if you wanted to make a shirt with “H (outline of New Jersey)” It would read H8 or “hate” and use that as you will.
we-hate-tim-jpeg
There are no states that resemble an “O”. Maybe if you squint Ohio works. South Carolina is also “O”-ish but has always reminded of a turnip or an internal organ.

I Hate Me, part 632,007

It was Sunday 5pm, we were closing up, half the lights were off and we were locking the doors. A large guy steamed in, trailed by 3 toddlers and his wife.
“We’re closing up now sir, if we can help you find something…”
“I know what I want. I wanna pre-order the new Metallica”
“I’m sorry, we don’t do pre-orders and it’s not in our computer yet but I know we’ll have a bunch of the album, were you looking for a special edition box set or the LP version?”
“No…none of that shit, just the regular cd”
“OK, We’ll have a lot so, give us a call and we’ll hold one for you”
Meanwhile his kids are upstairs in the sheet music department beating on the display ukulele’s
“we want a tiny guitar!, we want a tiny guitar!”
“You got tiny guitars!…an you don’t play ‘em!”
“If there’s anything else I can help you with because we’re closing up now”
“yeah..looka this”
He’s scrolling the photos on his phone
“…yeah…just wait…yeah….yeah…..it’s here somewhere…..yeah….”
finally
“yeah, hey lookout this…”
It’s a blurry photo of the guy standing with another guy, who I guess is some rock guy but I don’t know who he is, he just looks like a regular shlub.
“Wow…nice, yeah…cool”
“Ya know who that is right?”
“Yeahyeah…sure…yeah” (nonononono)
Then thankfully his wife piped in
“We gotta go…the baby”
“Yeaaahhh…the baby…alright….”
“Good picture…right bro?”
“yeah…great”
and then they were gone and the long national nightmare was over.

we want tiny guitars!

we want a tiny guitar!

 

I Hate me, part 619,924

Morning, I Was leaving the bank and walking back to my car, I was wearing my Jacks shirt
“Hey, HEY! Red Bank Music…HEY”
I left my phone in the car so I made a fist and held it to my ear, hopefully to the casual, far away ,half blind observer it might kind of look like I was on the phone. To a keener eye it probably looked like I was grappling with the voices in my head.
“HEY!!…..HEYYYYYYYY!!! Monmouth Music guy…..HEY!!!”
The yelling was closer, I wasn’t gonna make it to my car. I turned around.
A guy, late teens/early twenties was strumming the underside of an acoustic guitar (the side with no strings)
“Hey…music guy…..hey”
“Oh… hey…yeah….yeah”
I kept walking towards my car
“Monmouth Music is a great store…”
“Yeah…they are”
“You work there.”
“No, I work at Jacks”
“Yeah…you’re Jacks”
“I just work there, I’m not Jacks”
I got in my car, he was still strumming away
“I buy all my records there”
“Great”
“ALL…OF…THEM”
“ok then…that’s great…I gotta go”
Later in the afternoon, I was at work, behind the back counter pricing records. The same guy came to the new arrivals section and started looking.
“Hey…I want REO Speedwagon”
“I just put a bunch out, we have a few of the more popular ones”
“No..uh uh…I want the old stuff…you know the good stuff”
“Well, we got a ton of REO, nobody buys it, so you’re in luck”
“I am in luck…I saw that other guy this morning at the bank…you know the big guy..”
“yeah, that was me”
“No…no man…the other guy…but you’re great too”
And off he went, not buying any records.

You know, the good ones

You know, the good stuff