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I Hate Me, part 502,881

I was locking up at work on a Sunday, we close at 5pm it was almost 5:30. The lights were off and I was locking the front door. Two guys came up, pretty disheveled and maybe a little drunk.
Don’t close yet man, I got something to sell….
Sorry man we’re closed, we close at five.
Yeah but you’re gonna wanna see what I got…..A brand new accordion…it’s all shiny…
Like I said, we’re closed…you can come back tomorrow but I can tell you, they don’t buy accordions, they’re a tough sell.
Yeah but it’s new…and shiny…man…
Then the other guy pipes in
…An I got…160 Hendrix records, dude.
160…Hendrix records..all 160 are Hendrix records?
Yeah…you know…Hendrix
160?
Yeahhhh…I think….Hendrix
Got ‘em with ya?
Nooooo….
Well come back when ya got ‘em.
…Yeah but what about his accordion…it’s new…it’s shiny
I made a yeah/no face
Sorry man

it's shiny

it’s shiny

 

I hate me, part 548,333

 I was listening to The Best Show Podcast (http://thebestshow.net  or iTunes) a few weeks ago and the host, Tom Scharpling told a great embarrassing story about meeting Patti Smith and then people called in with their stories. Since I couldn’t call in to an already recorded podcast ( see Mr. Show- Pre-Taped Call In Show ) here’s my short embarrassing tale.

Disgraced newsman Brian Williams came into Jacks a few years ago. He was nice and friendly to the staff and talked to any customers who stopped him. I was working at the front counter, I didn’t want to be too “cool” to not acknowledge him and I didn’t want to be  “Hey! you’re Brian Williams!”, I would have to walk a fine line. So after he was rung up, I blurted out “HEYMANIDIGYOURNEWS” (translation: Hey Man, I dig your news!). He froze up, looked about an inch over my head and muttered “thank you”. For about a second I thought to myself that it went well, then I looked at the next  customer, who smirked at me and I realized what a complete ass I was.  

  

Never call in to a pre-recorded show

Sunday Music 3/22/15

Roky Erickson-The Singing Grandfather

From what I’ve read this is from a collection of songs that were recorded at a Holiday Inn on a cheap tape recorder, just Roky and an acoustic guitar. I have it on a cd called Click Your Fingers Applauding the Play, I’ve also seen it on The Holiday Inn Tapes

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I Hate Me, part 538,530

An older guy came in with a stack of records. He said he used worked in the “industry”, I thought he meant music but when he opened his yap I realized that whatever industry he was in had nothing to do with music. The records were beat to shit but the titles were good enough where I had to through all of them. He commented on the albums as I was looking through them.
Jeff Beck…He’s dead right?
Nope, still kicking
Then… Jimmy Page, he’s dead.
Nope
Claptonnnn…?
Sorry to report, he’s still around
Well, which one of them is dead?
Jack Bruce just died
Who?
He was in Cream…with Clapton
No
No?…and Johnny Winter died.
Nooooooo…I’m pretty sure he’s alive. I saw him open for Led Zeppelin on their first tour in 197…3
Really?…Good show was it?
Oh YEAH…Are sure Jimmy Page is still alive?
Yup
I was looking at the condition of Sly & the Family Stone-There’s a Riot Goin’ On
Yeah…I seen him too…Guy and… the Family…..guy
Sly? Sly & the Family Stone?
Yeah..sumtin like that.
I ended up buying nothing from him

Yeeahh...Guy...and uh the Family....guy

Yeeahh…Guy…and uh the Family….guy

Reprint: St. Patrick and the snakes, a short play

[Here’s another St. Patricks thing I wrote about five years ago]

-Pious legend credits St. Patrick with banishing snakes from Ireland-

[A pub shortly after St. Patrick got rid of all of Irelands snakes. Patrick (he wasn’t a Saint yet), knocking back a few pints with some friends and celebrating a snake free ireland]
KEY: P-
St. Patrick, J-James Fitzhugh
J- “Hey, Patrick!”
P- “You are correct sir. Hey why the long face brother, I just got rid of all the snakes. C’mon have a pint.”
J- “Yeah, I know you got rid of all the goddamned snakes, I’m James Fitzhugh. You know owner of Fitzhughs Snake Circus.”
P- “Uh… so..uh.. how’s it going James….Drink?”
J- “No I don’t want a goddamned drink. How’s it going?! I’ll tell you how it’s going! You just wiped me out. Those were trained snakes, it took me years to train them. You’ve seen it, those snakes would bite their own tail and form a wheel and roll around…It was magnificent! So where are my snakes?”
P- “Um..uh..uh (quietly) I uh led them..um…all the snakes…led them into the sea.”
J- “The sea, the goddamned sea. why?!”
P- “Uh..God…uh… You see God …God told me to.”
J- “…Really? …God told you to. this has nothing to do with me charging your son full price at the Snake Circus last month, does it? I mean Christ, Patrick. It’s kids twelve and under get let in for free and your boy has got to be what, fifteen or so.”
P- “Look, God told me to get rid of the snakes, ok. Deal with it….and…and my son is twelve, he’s just big for his age. He should have been let in for free.”
J- “So it IS about not letting your kid in for free. You bastard, you destroy my business and kill all the snakes in Ireland just to get even with me…out of spite!”
P- “Uh…um…God uh…um…uuh…”
J- “Yeah, yeah I know, your pal God told you to do this. You know you’ve screwed the country with this little stunt, with no snakes we’ll be overrun with toads and rats, nice going.”
P- “Hey James! Is that one of your snakes over there in the corner?”
(of course, there’s no snake but while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door)
saint_patrick_expels_snakes

St. Patricks day police blotter (reprint)

[This is a thing i wrote a few years ago, I’m reposting because of St. Patricks Day]

Police Blotter, March 17th

-A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Monday evening. Police are still investigating.

-O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Monday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

-The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Tuesday morning. Police are still investigating.

-The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Tuesday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

-A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Tuesday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

-An altercation Tuesday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

-A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Tuesday Evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.
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Sunday Music 3/15/15

W.I.T.C.H-Like a Chicken

This is from Zamrock pioneers W.I.T.C.H (We Intend To Cause Havoc) from their 1973 album Introduction. A few of their things have been reissued by Now-Again Records

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