Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

Old Man Yells at Cloud

 

local-shirt-jpeg
I have been seeing variations on this shirt design for awhile now and it bothers me. The replacement of the letter “O” with the state of New Jersey. New Jersey looks nothing like an “O”.  If anything it slightly resembles an “8”. So if you wanted to make a shirt with “H (outline of New Jersey)” It would read H8 or “hate” and use that as you will.
we-hate-tim-jpeg
There are no states that resemble an “O”. Maybe if you squint Ohio works. South Carolina is also “O”-ish but has always reminded of a turnip or an internal organ.

I Hate Me, part 632,007

It was Sunday 5pm, we were closing up, half the lights were off and we were locking the doors. A large guy steamed in, trailed by 3 toddlers and his wife.
“We’re closing up now sir, if we can help you find something…”
“I know what I want. I wanna pre-order the new Metallica”
“I’m sorry, we don’t do pre-orders and it’s not in our computer yet but I know we’ll have a bunch of the album, were you looking for a special edition box set or the LP version?”
“No…none of that shit, just the regular cd”
“OK, We’ll have a lot so, give us a call and we’ll hold one for you”
Meanwhile his kids are upstairs in the sheet music department beating on the display ukulele’s
“we want a tiny guitar!, we want a tiny guitar!”
“You got tiny guitars!…an you don’t play ‘em!”
“If there’s anything else I can help you with because we’re closing up now”
“yeah..looka this”
He’s scrolling the photos on his phone
“…yeah…just wait…yeah….yeah…..it’s here somewhere…..yeah….”
finally
“yeah, hey lookout this…”
It’s a blurry photo of the guy standing with another guy, who I guess is some rock guy but I don’t know who he is, he just looks like a regular shlub.
“Wow…nice, yeah…cool”
“Ya know who that is right?”
“Yeahyeah…sure…yeah” (nonononono)
Then thankfully his wife piped in
“We gotta go…the baby”
“Yeaaahhh…the baby…alright….”
“Good picture…right bro?”
“yeah…great”
and then they were gone and the long national nightmare was over.

we want tiny guitars!

we want a tiny guitar!

 

I Hate me, part 619,924

Morning, I Was leaving the bank and walking back to my car, I was wearing my Jacks shirt
“Hey, HEY! Red Bank Music…HEY”
I left my phone in the car so I made a fist and held it to my ear, hopefully to the casual, far away ,half blind observer it might kind of look like I was on the phone. To a keener eye it probably looked like I was grappling with the voices in my head.
“HEY!!…..HEYYYYYYYY!!! Monmouth Music guy…..HEY!!!”
The yelling was closer, I wasn’t gonna make it to my car. I turned around.
A guy, late teens/early twenties was strumming the underside of an acoustic guitar (the side with no strings)
“Hey…music guy…..hey”
“Oh… hey…yeah….yeah”
I kept walking towards my car
“Monmouth Music is a great store…”
“Yeah…they are”
“You work there.”
“No, I work at Jacks”
“Yeah…you’re Jacks”
“I just work there, I’m not Jacks”
I got in my car, he was still strumming away
“I buy all my records there”
“Great”
“ALL…OF…THEM”
“ok then…that’s great…I gotta go”
Later in the afternoon, I was at work, behind the back counter pricing records. The same guy came to the new arrivals section and started looking.
“Hey…I want REO Speedwagon”
“I just put a bunch out, we have a few of the more popular ones”
“No..uh uh…I want the old stuff…you know the good stuff”
“Well, we got a ton of REO, nobody buys it, so you’re in luck”
“I am in luck…I saw that other guy this morning at the bank…you know the big guy..”
“yeah, that was me”
“No…no man…the other guy…but you’re great too”
And off he went, not buying any records.

You know, the good ones

You know, the good stuff

I Hate Me, part 622,917

Last Saturday, hot day, phone call. Gruff, heavy breathing middle aged guy:
Jacks Music, can I help you.
-Hey!…I been out all goddamn day in this humid shit and now I’m inside and I’m callin’ YOU…Howyadoin?
..ok, so watchya need?
-OK now here’s the thing….I LOVE Three Dog Night…LOVE ‘EM! I saw ‘em a bunch of times…Even..In..Europe….OK, got that… So I want a box set of ‘em…ya know all the bells and whistles.
..mmmm…we might have a best of…I’m pretty sure we don’t have a box set, I’ll check
-go check
ok, I’ll go check then…..[I check]……We have a single CD, Complete Hit Singles collection, it’s $9.99
-Wow!…$9.99 for a box set?!?
No, it’s one cd
-All the hits?!?
yeah, they managed to squeeze them all onto one cd.
-How many ya got left?
One, we can hold it at the front counter for you, what’s your name?
-…ok…Jerry
Jerry?
-Don
…alright…it will be at the front counter for Jerry or Don
It’s still there
Three dog night

Sawyer Brown: The album covers

 

There are times at work that if I need a laugh I look through certain artists cd sections. Mid eighties country artists are some of my favorites. It was a time when the country/mainstream/pop crossover thing had just started. Many of these bands delivered the expected goods musically but image-wise they didn’t deliver and the record company art department were trying to package these guys in a way that appealed to a pop audience. My favorite of these groups are Sawyer Brown who got their start by winning a Star Search competition in 1983. Here are a selection of some of their album covers:

Shakin' from 1985 sets the tone early, hats will play a major role on their album covers

Shakin’ from 1985 sets the tone early, hats will play a major role on their album covers

Out Goin' Cattin' from 1986a more subdued approach almost Oak Ridge Boys like, however the captain's hat shows that they are ready for shenanigans

Out Goin’ Cattin’ from 1986 A more subdued approach almost Oak Ridge Boys like, however the captain’s hat shows that they are ready for shenanigans

 

Greatest Hits 1990 Another hat and ready to party from the looks of those outfits

Greatest Hits 1990 Another hat and ready to party from the looks of those outfits

Cafe on the Corner 1992 Earthtones and trucker hats and not a smile among them. They've been listening to some John Mellencamp

Cafe on the Corner 1992  Earthtones and trucker hats and not a smile among the mullets. They’ve been listening to some John Mellencamp

Six Days on the Road 1997 We're still serious but look at this hat and bright yellow jacket, we're serious and fun

Six Days on the Road 1997  We’re still serious but look at this hat and bright yellow jacket, we’re serious and fun

Drive Me Wild 1999  The boys are back! how much fun are we havin'? This much!

Drive Me Wild! 1999  The boys are back! How much fun are we havin’? This much!

 

I Hate Me, part 620,996

Walked into a nearby 7-11 to get some coffee. It was late afternoon, there was a malfunctioning Slurpee machine that was making a constant loud kerrrrrCHUNK…kerrrrCHUNK noise like it was the soundtrack for a David Lynch movie. The only other customer was this guy who was talking on his bluetooth loudly and only saying one thing “then send him a bill…..then send him a bill…then send him a bill…” I got my coffee, as I was heading to the counter, another guy came in, a customer from work who likes to talk. I was not in a chatty mood so I went for the fake phone call. Then this guy sees me and he goes for the fake phone call. We did an acknowledgement nod as we passed, just two guys on fake phone calls.
7-11-logo-1

I Hate Me, part 671,991

 

Jack’s Music opens at 9:30 on Saturdays. My band played the night before and I was a little under the weather, I don’t snap back after a late night like I used to. There was a guy at the front door, waiting for us to open. He was young, disheveled, loud, a fast talker with an Irish brogue. He was talking and walking.
“You’re open? Good, I gotta lot of records to sell. I got ‘em for my girlfriend but she dumped me and kept the good ones then I got a bunch from I guy I know who’s messed up on heroin and my girl kept some of those but I still gotta lot of good ones, well maybe they’re not good, I dunno, that’s your job right? yeah, hahaha. So I got a truck with stacks of em, miles of ‘em. I got a sell ‘em cause I’m trying to get back to Ireland, I ain’t never been there but I wanna go. Workin’ on my accent, pretty good, no? I’ll be right back.”
Fuckin’ hell, that’s not what I needed to start the day off. He went out the back door, I was hoping it was a case of a ne’er do well just wanting to use the store as a short cut. A couple of minutes later he came out of a beat to hell pick-up truck with a giant stack of records and then a second stack and then a third. Five trips all together. A lot of goddamn records. It looked like salvage crew stuff. The majority of them were really shitty records in really shitty shape. However, there was just enough good records to make it worthwhile. The guy was still trying to maintain the illusion that they were his records and was commenting on them and generally slowing things down to a crawl with his “help”.
“Ooooh, that’s a good one, no?”
“No, first of all it’s a Moody Blues record…and it’s empty”
“Oooh…my girlfriend must have just kept the record part then.”
“yeah, that makes sense…look man, this will go a lot faster if you just let me get through it”
“ok..ok…I hear ya big man.”
So, he stood about a foot further back from where he was standing and stared unblinkingly at the process.
We made a deal for the records we wanted and he lugged the unusable records away. On the last trip out he took the top record from the stack, a Living Strings waltz record
“Thanks a lot. Here, this is for you” he looked to see what record he actually chose, “It’s…Waltzes..yeah..you play these for the ladies…the ladies”
And off he went, there was half a record in the sleeve.

play this for the ladies

play this for the ladies