Archive for September, 2019

I Hate Me, part 833,970

Went to Foodtown after I got out of work, it was close to closing time for them and I grabbed the couple of things I needed and went to the self checkout. I know I should be using the cashier checkouts but I was feeling fairly anti-social and didn’t want any human interaction, no matter how small. I was paying in cash and it wouldn’t accept a $5 I put in. The kid who was minding the checkouts came over really quickly and:

I’ll get you a different five

No, that’s cool, I got another one, that ones seen better days

No, no I’ll be right back with another five

No, really….please……..don’t….

And he was gone, but he didn’t come right back, he was talking to the person at the courtesy desk and it felt like I could have paid the bill in pennies, one penny after another and it would have been faster then him getting a different five. Finally he came back and put the new five dollar bill into the machine with all the flourish of a ribbon cutting ceremony.

Yeah, when I saw that five you were trying to use…I KNEW it wasn’t gonna work…the machine hates worn out fives….and so do I

I mumbled a thanks and slunk out

I hate me, part 862,999

Phone call, sounded like a middle aged woman:

(phone rings) Jack’s Music…

… (silence)…

Hello..Jack’s Music

…oh, I thought you said “not Jack’s Music”

Uh…no…this is Jack’s Music…answering the phone “not Jack’s Music” is kind of uh…odd …don’t you think

Ummm….well if you were somebody that…uh got a lot of wrong numbers calling you… looking for Jack’s Music, you…um…might answer the phone that way…

…ok…uh…well what can I help you with

Ummm…now I’ve forgotten…I’ll call back

Maybe this store exists somewhere

I hate me, part 850,301

Middle aged couple, looked like they were killing time waiting for a table at a nearby restaurant, they guy did all the talking.

I’m looking for a band…………

Uh huh, none of our used records are on file but it’s alphabetical in that row you’re standing by

I’m not sure if you got ‘em……..I don’t know if you know ‘em……I don’t know where to look……..

Well it’s alphabetical

DUKE JUPITER!

If we had any they’d be in D

Can you look it up?

None of our used records are on file

Found one! Yeah!….awwww, I already got this…you got the other ones….they got different covers, I think they’re white.

Yeah, I don’t know if we have any others

Dude, I need ‘em….even cassettes….but not this one (holds up the album that he didn’t want)

Yeah, sorry man, whatever’s out there

(Heavy sigh, mumbled to his wife as they were leaving)…I would have taken cassettes

I hate me, part 817,045

Friday night, middle aged guy, kind of wired, at the back counter:

You got that AIDS benefit from the 70’s or the 80’s…Queen was in it

Do you mean Live Aid the big benefit for the famine in Africa that Queen played?

Naaahh…it was for AIDS…lots of bands, Queen…you know AIDS…live AIDS.

Do you mean the concert that was in the film Bohemian Rhapsody?

Yeah, Live AIDS…you know the guy from Queen…uh…he had AIDS..so, uh Live AIDS.

We don’t have it