I hate me, part 705,913

There’s a customer who looks like a middle aged hippie that’s had a rough go of it but has top shelve tastes and isn’t afraid to let you know how great his choices in life have been. I saw him at Whole Foods while I was getting a salad and was trying to get away unseen. I overheard him talking loudly in the bakery department to somebody I don’t think he knew.

Yeah…I despise sugar…despise it…I don’t eat it no more…it’s terrible for you

Indiscernible mumbling from other guy who was trying to move away

Well, yeah but I mean processed sugar, bro

More Indiscernible mumbling, more moving away

..yeah…yeah..but that’s not…bro…bro…bro sugar’s bad

I was trying to do an end run and get to the checkout counter

Hey…hey…hey…DUDE

Oh..hey..didn’t see you

Yeah, I come here a lot, it’s the best…simply the best store…I think I’m gonna get me some wine…I usta not drink…but now I like wine…that’s NOT baaaad…ya know and it’s good for you too …all that grape skin…the flavonoids…you know

Yeah…wine..I don’t think you can buy it until 9am (it was 8:45)

Ohhhhhhyeahhhhhh….buuuut it’s wine….it’s good for you

He walked away, I’m at the checkout ringing up my stuff, he appeared behind me with a small chocolate bar

85% pure chocolate bro…this stuff is the best…this shit is good for you…and it’s chocolate…yeah, this is the special stuff…it’s made in Ugundo

Ugundo?

Yeah, Africa bro…this stuff.. yeah (then to the cashier) can I buy wine now?

Cashier- not until nine o’clock

But it’s good for you

I gave a wave and left quickly.

    • Boris
    • April 3rd, 2017

    Glad to see that you picked up this column again. Enjoy your write-ups. Only thing that bothers me somehow is that middle-aged male morons seems to overpopulate your universe and we middle-aged males can never shake the nagging feeling that we might have become one of them unknowingly over time…

      • feedtim
      • April 3rd, 2017

      Oh, I have become one of them. I’m sure for every dumb, weird clueless I write about, I’ve done at least one or two things as dumb if not dumber

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