Archive for April, 2017

I Hate Me, part 799,035

Saturday before work, running a little late, went to get a quick cup of coffee. The line at Starbucks was short but they had a slow crew on, very friendly and competent but glacial. The first customer had three coffees and wanted to pay for them in three different ways, “see, if there’s any money left on this” was said about five times as various gift cards were proffered. The guy before me was an amiable old guy who had a rusty gate voice and acted like he wasn’t even sure why he was there.

Hmmmmmmm…..what’s good today?…..hmmmm (vaguely pointing at one of the breakfast sandwiches)…gluten?

Which item sir?

He ignored her and pointed at something else

Hmmmm…how about that one

I’m sorry, which item?

Ohhhh…it doesn’t matter…I want two of them…and uh…what’s that (again vaguely pointing at the left side of the case)…is that good?…no no not that one..no…next to that one…is that good?…hmmm…I’ll take one….gluten?….oh it doesn’t matter… two small coffees…how small are your smalls? (He was shown the small or “tall” in Starbucks speak)..ohnonono that’s too small…do you have a larger small?….never mind I’ll take two mediums

The whole thing only took about a minute and a half but felt like an hour


Do you have a larger small?

I Hate Me, part 783,033

Slow night, older woman came to the back counter holding a Chris Stapleton cd

I need two of these, I only saw one out there

Sure, we should have some more in the back

Ok, ’cause I need two

Right…I’m gonna grab one from the back…the storeroom 

I want both of them

…ok…I’m going to go in the back, where we have the back stock and get you a second copy

Alright, because I need two

I went into the storeroom and grabbed a second copy, it took about a minute

Here you go, you now have two of them

Thank you…I thought you forgot about me

I hate me, part 775,973

This one is pretty goddamned thin:

Nice sunny Saturday morning, I was walking to work. Some guy who was way to bundled up for the day (coat, hat, scarf, snow goggles) zipped by me on an undersized BMX bike. When I got to work, he was parked, talking to his reflection in the front window, in an exaggerated child’s voice

Records! I like records!…I like Records!

Then to me in an age appropriate voice

You guys open?

Not yet, 9:30 today

ALL RIGHT!…TEN MINUTES!…TEN MINUTES, BRO!…I’LL BE IN…YEAH!

A half hour later, he quickly walked his bike thru the store without looking at any records or saying a word.

I hate me, part 700,631

Ordered lunch from a deli, it wasn’t ready to pick up when I got there. So, I sat on a waiting bench that’s on an aisle that leads from the counter to the tables in the back. As I was sitting there intermittently checking emails and staring off into space a large family came in with a guy in a motorized wheelchair. A couple of family members looked at the sitting arrangements and the wheelchair guy started down the aisle. I was stuck, on one side there were people looking at the seating on the other side was the wheelchair that couldn’t get through without running over my feet. So I stood up to let them get by. I was standing in what could be described as not a comfortable position. The wheelchair was an inch from my leg, he stopped and a family argument ensued.

“I can’t fit down there”

“Yes you can”

“I’ll never make it”

“Just try it”

“No!”

“C’mon”

“I can’t make that turn!”

“Alright, lets go…but you could’ve made that turn”

“Not a chance”

I was standing awkwardly trying not to look at anyone in the middle of this family discussion, without ever being acknowledged. Like I was a deli ghost, haunting the deli in search of lean (but not too lean) pastrami. They finally trundled out and my lunch was ready.

I Hate Me, part 766,310

Middle aged hippie guy who I wrote about in the last post came into Jack’s on a Saturday. He never buys anything, complains about prices and gives us tips on how to make the store better. He’ll also comment on customers music selections. There was a couple looking through our Grateful Dead section and he generously gave them his opinion.

“Yeah…ya want to buy those…They’re only the greatest band…and they’re American…so…ya know”

The customers looked at him and walked away with no cd’s, hippie guy sauntered to the back counter where I was.

“Yeah…I just sold some Dead for ya…they’re the greatest band in the world, it’s a fact… Ya know the Stones and those guys they’re not American…they’re just not…they’re English…The Dead…they’re American bro…I should work here ya know”

And off he went.

I hate me, part 705,913

There’s a customer who looks like a middle aged hippie that’s had a rough go of it but has top shelve tastes and isn’t afraid to let you know how great his choices in life have been. I saw him at Whole Foods while I was getting a salad and was trying to get away unseen. I overheard him talking loudly in the bakery department to somebody I don’t think he knew.

Yeah…I despise sugar…despise it…I don’t eat it no more…it’s terrible for you

Indiscernible mumbling from other guy who was trying to move away

Well, yeah but I mean processed sugar, bro

More Indiscernible mumbling, more moving away

..yeah…yeah..but that’s not…bro…bro…bro sugar’s bad

I was trying to do an end run and get to the checkout counter

Hey…hey…hey…DUDE

Oh..hey..didn’t see you

Yeah, I come here a lot, it’s the best…simply the best store…I think I’m gonna get me some wine…I usta not drink…but now I like wine…that’s NOT baaaad…ya know and it’s good for you too …all that grape skin…the flavonoids…you know

Yeah…wine..I don’t think you can buy it until 9am (it was 8:45)

Ohhhhhhyeahhhhhh….buuuut it’s wine….it’s good for you

He walked away, I’m at the checkout ringing up my stuff, he appeared behind me with a small chocolate bar

85% pure chocolate bro…this stuff is the best…this shit is good for you…and it’s chocolate…yeah, this is the special stuff…it’s made in Ugundo

Ugundo?

Yeah, Africa bro…this stuff.. yeah (then to the cashier) can I buy wine now?

Cashier- not until nine o’clock

But it’s good for you

I gave a wave and left quickly.