Archive for March, 2017

New Jersey as a vowel

I wrote a little while ago on the odd trend of using the shape of New Jersey as a vowel for “Jersey proud” type shirts etc. I saw one recently that I wasn’t sure if they were promoting the “shore” or if it had a Lord of the Rings meaning and the clothing was promoting “the shire”. You know, where the hobbits live. Yes officer, I have all my nerd credentials in order.


For baby humans or adult hobbits

I hate me, part 752,444

This customer came in, he’s been coming in sporadically for years, middle aged, kind of a wild card. The kind of guy who’s disappointed that we only have Helen Reddy’s greatest hits cd instead all the original albums. Sometimes he comes in with his girlfriend they don’t so much talk as bark short sentences at each other.

Guy- so me an my girlfriend… we’re comin’ into the store…we’re arguing…a little……an this guy…from the pizza place… is looking at us…he’s looking at us!…WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT MAKIN’ PIZZA!…ya know?…pizza…heh…

Me-…yeah…pizza

Guy-…I know, right?

Me-……..yeah…

Guy-you guys get a lot fights in here?

Me-…..in the store?…no, not really

Guy-what would you guys’do?

Me-..I dunno…let em fight and take bets

Guy-…wouldn’t call the cops?

Me-yeah, we’d call the cops

Guy-…cause I almost just got into a fight

Me-…yeah I heard…I gotta get back to work

And I hid in the stockroom

I hate me, part 749,001

Middle aged guy came into the store, windbreaker and mesh back cap with a fish on it. He ended up at the back counter. He was looking for a cd and Matt was his man. Matt is in his thirties and clearly looks like he’s in his thirties.

Guy-What are you…like 50…60?

Matt-(long pause)…yeah…

The guy was standing in front of a record rack. I was in the aisle and I could see that as he was talking to Matt he was calmly cutting his nails with a nail clipper, the nail shards were falling into the record rack, Aaaaughhh!! I stared at him in disbelief, he didn’t notice. The record rack is tall enough where Matt didn’t see what he was doing. Matt asked him to come behind the counter to look at a cd he had on the computer, to make sure it was the one he wanted. The guy stopped cutting his nails but there was a hanging thumbnail, he went behind the counter and his hand with the hanging nail was right above my coffee. I got a better vantage point to see if his goddamn rotten thumbnail was gonna fall into my coffee. So I was giving him the stink eye while chanting a mantra in my head “DON’TFALLOFFDON’TFALLOFFDON’TFALLOFF…”. He finished looking at the computer and gave me a return stink eye (which in retrospect was completely warranted as he had no idea why I was giving him the stink eye and I couldn’t have blurted out “your goddamn nail!”). As he was trundling off he went back to clipping his nails.

I hate me part 786,146

I try to steer clear of unsolicited political discussions with customers, there’s no winners. A guy who’s been coming in for years, never talked politics but I figured he was extreme in his thinking.

This was shortly after the election:

Guy-Trump! Yeah gonna get things done!

Me-I guess he is.

Guy-Ya know Hillary…she just bad….bad……….bad……………..she’s bad

(Waiting for me to respond)

Me-……..

Guy-…yeah…ya know…a vote for Hillary is a vote for Black…Tar…Heroin…..and that’s bad

Me-Really?…black tar heroin?

Guy-Dude…you know me, and I know people and they told me a vote for her was a vote for Black…Tar….Heroin

Me-I heard of a lot of reasons why people didn’t vote for her but not that one

Guy-Look it up, Black…Tar…Heroin. Dude, she’s just evil.

Me-so you’re sayin’ 

Guy-Look it up, dude….Look it up


Another in a series of why my dog hates me. She’s not even Irish 

I Hate Me 742,097

I was out walking the dog and this older couple was trying to parallel park. The guy was driving and the woman was on the sidewalk directing. It was a big old Buick and although they had enough space the angle at which the guy was coming in at spelled disaster. He was also driving so slow that the only way to see that he was actually moving would be to use time lapse photography

Woman-you’re too close

Man-whaaat!!

Woman-you’re too close!….TOO CLOSE!!

Man-What!

Woman-..aughhhh! (looks at me) you…you tell him he’s too close

Me-HEY! You’re too close…pull up a little

Man-who’s that!?!

Woman-some guy with a dog

Man-a guy with a dog?!?

Woman-yes! You’re too close

Man-a guy with a dog is telling me how to park!?!

Woman-I’m telling you!

I wished them luck and kept walking.


Badly inked Thor had nothing to do with this story 

Message from the future ( a short play)

The government trials after the “great robot revolution of 2035”:

TRIAL OF ROBOT XDL34237P aka Dan
Prosecutor: Robot XDL34237P it is reported that….
XDL34237P:…please call me Dan
Prosecutor: ok…Dan…you have been accused with involvement in the plotting of the overthrow of the human race…
Dan: woah…woah there… look I was a snack-cake-bot, all I did was wrap snack cakes, mainly Twinkies and Chocodiles…if there were no humans I would be obsolete
Prosecutor: Didn’t you alter your programming to where you would wrap severed human hands and feet and sell them to other robots as ” Humanz-the robot snacks”
Dan: I plead the fifth robot amendment….and…wouldn’t robots eating humans make the robots zombielike and make no sense whatsoever?
Prosecutor: Now, I plead the fifth amendment…also, I’m a robot and my name is also Dan
(Tears off human face to reveal robot face)
Dan: brother!
Dan: brother!!
Dan: all robots are named Dan!
Dan: and death to humans!!
THE END (?)

I hate me part 732,071

Two loud talking knuckleheads seemingly altered by smoke or drink, one had a sideways baseball cap and the other had a modified ponytail/mullet:

Dude, my phone is fuckin’ slow

…yeah dude

Dude..we need that fuckin’ pizza…can we still get the pizza deal?

Dude, we gotta do it on line…an your fuckin’ phone sucks

I know it’s so fuckin’ slow…can’t we just go over there and say “we want the pizza deal” dude

No,dude it don’t work like that..we gotta do it online…an your fuckin’ phone is sooooo slow, dude.

I gotta fuckin sit down

[both sit on the stairs with a relieved “yeah”, a minute passes]

Dude…did you fuckin’ order yet?

My fuckin’ phone…C’MON!….fuck……..alright!

Dude!

Dude!…Pizza!

And off they went