I Hate Me, part 530,817

I was out getting drinks with my wife and some friends. The bar we went to was run by a guy I was friendly with but hadn’t seen in quite awhile. He’s a fan of my band The Ribeye Brothers which is really nice and he was telling the woman he was tending bar with about the band. Our first cd is called “If I Had a Horse…”, the title is taken from a blooper reel by ABC-TV announcer Ernie Anderson (He was THE voice of ABC in the 80’s and early 90’s, he was also Ghoulardi, late night horror movie host and father of director Paul Thomas Anderson). The blooper reel is 10+ minutes of the best recorded cursing I’ve ever heard. Anyhow, he says “If I had a horse I’d buy it oats and fuck it” and we sampled it and used it on the title track which is a Link Wray-ish instrumental.
You gotta hear his band, they’re great. He has a song that he sings “If I had a horse I’d buy it oats and fuck it”
I’m mortified. My wife, my brother and my friend Sean are savoring my uncomfortableness
I…I…I..didn’t say that…or sing that…it’s a sample from a TV announcer…a blooper reel..and..
Wait…that’s not you saying “If I had a horse, I’d buy it oats and fuck it”
No…no…no..I didn’t say it…I don’t even know what it means…we thought it was funny..
The barmaid he was telling this to is looking at me with all the disgust that one would give to an admitted horse fucker and I’m verbally dancing like Ali in the ring trying not to be tagged with a bigger embarrassment punch.
No…it’s this guy… Ernie Anderson…he used to announce stuff on ABC tv in the eighties…He’s the father of Paul Thomas Anderson…the director…you know…Boogie Nights…The Master……no?….ok…so this guy….somebody made a blooper reel…of this guy…messing up his lines…and…and…
They had walked away to serve other customers and they were thoroughly unconvinced. I gave the people I was with a “what the fuck just happened” look and Sean said “I didn’t know you fucked a horse”


Ernie Anderson blooper reel from Celebrities at Their Worst (Note: LOTS of cursing)
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  1. Tim, that horse was an adult. You have nothing to apologize for.

    • Spank
    • April 6th, 2015

    Whew, man am I relieved …. I thought I was the only one around here who has fuc ……… err, heard this story before …… yeah, that’s the ticket, heard this story before.

  2. Did you explain that you thought it was a goat?

  3. The mantle of fame is a ponderous burden.

    • Spank
    • April 7th, 2015

    This reminds me of a joke, I’ll use the bartender as the butt of it:

    Why did the bartender cross the road? His dick was stuck in a chicken.

    I would have used Tim’s name for the joke, but no one would have believed it because everyone knows that Tim prefers horses.

    • Slatt
    • April 8th, 2015

    I lied…I knew you fucked that horse..I was a panic statement.. Sorry

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