Reprint: St. Patrick and the snakes, a short play

[Here’s another St. Patricks thing I wrote about five years ago]

-Pious legend credits St. Patrick with banishing snakes from Ireland-

[A pub shortly after St. Patrick got rid of all of Irelands snakes. Patrick (he wasn’t a Saint yet), knocking back a few pints with some friends and celebrating a snake free ireland]
KEY: P-
St. Patrick, J-James Fitzhugh
J– “Hey, Patrick!”
P– “You are correct sir. Hey why the long face brother, I just got rid of all the snakes. C’mon have a pint.”
J– “Yeah, I know you got rid of all the goddamned snakes, I’m James Fitzhugh. You know owner of Fitzhughs Snake Circus.”
P– “Uh… so..uh.. how’s it going James….Drink?”
J– “No I don’t want a goddamned drink. How’s it going?! I’ll tell you how it’s going! You just wiped me out. Those were trained snakes, it took me years to train them. You’ve seen it, those snakes would bite their own tail and form a wheel and roll around…It was magnificent! So where are my snakes?”
P– “Um..uh..uh (quietly) I uh led them..um…all the snakes…led them into the sea.”
J– “The sea, the goddamned sea. why?!”
P- “Uh..God…uh… You see God …God told me to.”
J- “…Really? …God told you to. this has nothing to do with me charging your son full price at the Snake Circus last month, does it? I mean Christ, Patrick. It’s kids twelve and under get let in for free and your boy has got to be what, fifteen or so.”
P- “Look, God told me to get rid of the snakes, ok. Deal with it….and…and my son is twelve, he’s just big for his age. He should have been let in for free.”
J- “So it IS about not letting your kid in for free. You bastard, you destroy my business and kill all the snakes in Ireland just to get even with me…out of spite!”
P– “Uh…um…God uh…um…uuh…”
J- “Yeah, yeah I know, your pal God told you to do this. You know you’ve screwed the country with this little stunt, with no snakes we’ll be overrun with toads and rats, nice going.”
P– “Hey James! Is that one of your snakes over there in the corner?”
(of course, there’s no snake but while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door)
saint_patrick_expels_snakes

    • Spank
    • March 17th, 2015

    “while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door”
    ———————————————————-
    Is this where the phrase “Irish goodbye” came from ??

    • foxycotic
    • March 18th, 2015

    St. Patrick didn’t kill all of the snakes – he just banished them. Some of them managed to escape (as you mentioned they were trained snakes!). They somehow crossed the ocean, reached the isle Cyprus and found shelter in a monastery. It is known that long time ago there have been a lot of snake sightings in Cyprus – later called ‘the snake plague’. The legend says that the reason for this ‘plaque’ was a drought.. now we know better..
    Unfortunately St. Patick somehow must have heard this. It is also known that a person calling herself (or should I better say himself) Saint Helena came to the Island and had a solution for the ‘plaque’. She importet tons of poor hungry slave combat cats and forced them to fight for her. The coward did’t even have the courage to fight himself! In the end all the snakes were killed and the Monastery was named ‘Saint Nicholas of the cats’.
    The descendants of the slave combat cats still live there. When you look into their sad eyes you can see that they are not pround of their ancestors..

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