Archive for December, 2014

Reprint: Baby New Year meets Old Man Old Year

[note: this is a reprint of something I did 5 years ago. I changed the dates to make it more topical. It was submitted to the “Incredibly short and extremely stupid- play festival” but was not accepted. Any theatre company wishing to perform this play, please contact the author]

Baby New Year meets Old Man Old Year

[Backstage: Baby New year; top hat, diapers, 2015 sash. Old Man Old Year; top hat diapers, 2014 sash.]

Baby New Year (BNY)-Make way granpa, hot stuff comin’ thru.

Old Man Old Year (OMOY)-Pffffffffffft! Old Man!? I’m 12 months old.

BNY-Sure, that’s great. Move it along old timer.

OMOY-See this sash, it says 2014. Why would an old man be wearing a top hat, diapers and a 2014 sash.

BNY-Mmmmmm I dunno, you’re senile and you shit your pants.

OMOY– Grrrrrrrrr, I’ll shit YOUR pants, boy!

BNY– You’ll shit MY pants, what the fuck does that mean.

OMOY-Look you little asshole have some respect…

BNY– (a dull stare)

OMOY-…gaze upon me for this is your future young one, this is what twelve long months does to you.

BNY-Greeeeaaaaat…are you done flappin’ those old gums.

OMOY– yeah, I guess so…Hey, is there still an open bar.

BNY-Jesus, I’m A FUCKING BABY, I don’t drink, I don’t know if there’s an open bar, I don’t care if there’s an open bar, ok?. Christ look at the time, I gotta go.

OMOY-For fucks sake, can I get a goddamned drink around here!

I Hate Me, part 471,916

An older woman ordered a couple of DVD’s and then asked us to mail them to her. One of the DVD’s was Jersey Boys. I got a call a couple of days ago.
Woman-Are you the person who sent me the Jersey Boys DVD?
Me- Yes I am
Well It doesn’t work
What’s wrong with it?
All I keep seeing is commercials for Robert Duvall.
Well, sometimes they run commercials before the movie. It stinks, but maybe if you just went to the menu you could skip them
I don’t know what THAT is…when I put the DVD in I keep seeing Robert Duvall…and I don’t wanna see Robert Duvall…My daughter, she’s a lawyer…she doesn’t know anything.
I’m sure she’s used a DVD player before…if she’s smart enough to be a lawyer, I’m sure she could figure out a dvd player
I ..uh..

this must have been the version she got

this must have been the version she got

[click on image to enlarge]


creepy album covers, 38 Special

38 Special and their brand of radio friendly southern rock were staples on the music scene in the 1980’s. Their fourth album, Wild Eyed Southern Boys (1981) featuring the hit “Hold on Loosely” has kind of a creepy cover. Outside of the good ol’ boy gauntlet that the woman entering the club has to go thru, check out the guy on the left. He isn’t acting like a good time charlie or ogling the woman, he’s staring like a serial killer/drifter. What’s odd and creepy is that this is painted it’s not a candid photograph, so it was intended to look this way.[click on image to enlarge]
Vinyl records collectors


Sunday Music, 12/21/14

Dog of Mystery-I Saw Mommy Kissing Satan’s Claws

A long time ago before Monster Magnet, John McBain and I had a band called Dog of Mystery and we did a Christmas song. This is that Christmas song. I sang and (what could be charitably described as)drummed, John did everything else.

this is the tape it was on

this is the tape it was on

reprint: American Santa vs. Russian Santa

[note: I did this a couple of years ago and it fits this time of year]

American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

While going thru some of my parents’ old things, I came across a cold war era Christmas pamphlet that was distributed by the Bayonne Decency League (the BDL) entitled The American Santa Claus. Here’s an excerpt comparing the American Santa with the Russian Santa:

* The American Santa delivers toys and candy.
* The Russian Santa delivers savage beatings.

* The American Santa wears a red suit the same color as the proud red stripes of the American flag.
* The Russian Santa wears a suit stained red with the blood of innocents.

* The American Santa has friendly, patriotic reindeer pulling his sled thru the night sky.
* The Russian Santa has bloodthirsty flying wolves pulling a dilapidated prison wagon around.

* The American Santa puts toys and treats into stockings hung with care.
* The Russian Santa slops sour borscht into hollowed out peasant feet that are crudely nailed to a wall.

* The American Santa eats milk and cookies left out for him by boys and girls.
* The Russian Santa feasts on children’s dreams and drinks their frightened tears.

I Hate Me, part 476,100

Pretty busy at work, where I feel like the Ghost of Christmas Stupid. I’m kind of beat, the customers are harried and not particularly knowledgeable on what they’re looking for. I wrote a bunch of these down and most of these weren’t as good as I originally thought, so this is considerably shorter than I had planned.
There’s this guy who calls up and asks for cd’s with partial song names for album titles and incorrect artist names, he hedges his bets by ending his requests with “…or something like that”. He’s always wrong and it’s a workout just getting an order out of him. Anyhow we got in his special order, left a message with him and he called back last Saturday:
Guy- I will pick up my order on Saturday
Me- Well today is Saturday, so you’ll be in today?
Guy- No, Saturday
Me- Next Saturday? Or today Saturday?
Guy- Yes
Me- ……so…you’ll be in a week from today
Guy- Yeah, this Saturday
Guy-…is it?…ok, then next week.

ghost of christmas stupid

T.V. Guide Fall Preview 1972 (part five)

Epilogue, or “things that were left over from the last four days” [click on image to enlarge]

tv guide 72 :d1tv guide 72 :d2tv guide 72 :d3tv guide 72 d4tv guide 72 d6