I Hate Me, part 497,451

 

We have an old tree on the side of the driveway, the branches hang over the car. I’m not sure what kind of tree it is, I refer to it as a Shitberry tree. Although I never see any birds on it whatever part of the car is parked under it is covered in industrial strength bird shit and pine(?) needles. I usually don’t notice how bad it is until I get where I’m going, then it’s windex, paper towels and a strong resolve. Unless I’m lazy, which is often, then I just look at it, droop my shoulders and shuffle off to whatever task I’m on. This latest task was Foodtown. I went in, got the few items I had to get and headed to the checkout. There was only two open, one was the normal and one was 20 items or less. There was a woman who was in the 20 items or less that had a huge amount of stuff, well over 20 items. All of it seemed to be fruits, vegetables or bulk food. So there were just little bags and little bags and little bags of items that all had to be identified and weighed. The regular checkout had a long line of people who seemed to be stocking up for the apocalypse. I stood there ruminating on the life choices that had brought me to this spot when an outraged little old lady, who looked like Nancy Reagan with an even bigger head pointed at the woman who had more than 20 items, and shrieked in a surprisingly loud voice “look at her! She can’t count!” to no one in particular. it looked like something that the aliens in Invasion of The Body Snatchers would do. The woman who was working the courtesy desk took pity on me and rang me up. She looked at what what was going on shook her head and said “Must be a full moon.”

"look at her! She can't count!"

“look at her! She can’t count!”

    • Mike Baker
    • September 12th, 2014

    LOL. I think I have those same dam birds as you. They love red cars.You may have to stop going to this place, even if you half to go a little further. Might be worth your sanity.

    • Spank
    • September 14th, 2014

    One time I was waiting for a light to turn green when all of a sudden a avalanche of bird shit hit my windshield. Completely covered. I looked up thru the windshield to (barely) see a massive lot of birds perched on a wire directly above me. I’m like “WTF, did you all hold it in until a car pulled up to shit on? You fuckin’ bastards you”. I tried the windshield wipers with fluids and all it did was smear it all over the place. I did nothing but dry heave all the way straight to the car wash.

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