I Hate Me, part 364,322
I had to go to Foodtown after work. I was in a rush because I wanted to get home to see how the Mets were going to lose another game. Included in the shopping list were a bunch of Vitamin Waters, they were on sale so I bought a bunch. There were two registers open, an express 10 Items or Less and a normal register. There was a family who looked like they were stocking up for the coming apocalypse so I went to the express lane. I had a lot more than ten items but less than bomb shelter stock up and there was nobody else, so I figured why not. As soon as I put all the items down and the cashier gave me a “I know there’s more than ten items” smirk, a woman got in line with one carton of milk. The cashier gave her a “Get a load of this asshole with more than ten items” look. I was the jerk but I didn’t really care because my needs as a Mets fan outweighed any unspoken societal contract with the rest of the world. I got all my bags and headed to the car. Yes, I still use plastic bags. We reuse them for cleaning up the Duchess’s leavings on her walks and I’m doing an extensive art project with them, a 70 foot tall bile duct made entirely of plastic bags and my dreams. I got to the car and was putting everything in the back seat and some of the vitamin waters fell out of the bag. Fuck! one went under the car and I was cursing and chasing down rolling bottles of vitamin water. I put them back in the bag and they fell out again. Augggghhhhh! Godfuckingdammitfuckfuckfuck! This happened ONE MORE TIME and then as the slowest man on the planet, I realized there was a hole in the side of the bag. I just threw the bottles in the back of the car and went home to watch the Mets lose.