Archive for October, 2013

Reprint: origin of candy corn

Candy Corn
Candy Corn was invented in NYC during the Great Depression. Candy scholars have pinpointed it’s exact birthplace to the Christian Stout Hearted Men’s Shelter in Hell’s Kitchen in 1931. The shelter run by swedish firebrand, Father Stern Oak. Oak, who was being vandalized regularly by local children was having no luck with the police in stemming the vandalism and decided to take matters into his own hands. Most of the homeless men who drifted into the shelter were in bad physical shape and a good many were losing their teeth. Father Oak methodically collected all the lost teeth and stored them in an empty pickle jar. By the time Halloween rolled around he had a full jar and he would have his revenge on the local pint sized vandals. He bagged the discolored rotten teeth in little wax bags and gave them out to trick or treaters. The rotten teeth had grown soft and the natural sugars in them made them sweet. The children loved this new treat that they called “Bum Teeth”. When it was revealed by a disappointed Father Oak that they were actually the teeth of homeless men, many enterprising young hooligans went after the destitute with a sugar jones and a pair of pliers. The rash of tooth violence against the impoverished reached alarming proportions until the Addams Candy company started selling artificial “Bum Teeth” that they called “Candy Corn” which were made from ground up horse teeth and sugar paste. The recipe was later changed to dandruff and sugar.

Bum Teeth, aka Candy Corn, Kandy Korn, or in health food stores, Quandy Quorn

Bum Teeth, aka Candy Corn, Kandy Korn, or in health food stores, Quandy Quorn

I Hate Me, part 364,322

I had to go to Foodtown after work. I was in a rush because I wanted to get home to see how the Mets were going to lose another game. Included in the shopping list were a bunch of Vitamin Waters, they were on sale so I bought a bunch. There were two registers open, an express 10 Items or Less and a normal register. There was a family who looked like they were stocking up for the coming apocalypse so I went to the express lane. I had a lot more than ten items but less than bomb shelter stock up and there was nobody else, so I figured why not. As soon as I put all the items down and the cashier gave me a “I know there’s more than ten items” smirk, a woman got in line with one carton of milk. The cashier gave her a “Get a load of this asshole with more than ten items” look. I was the jerk but I didn’t really care because my needs as a Mets fan outweighed any unspoken societal contract with the rest of the world. I got all my bags and headed to the car. Yes, I still use plastic bags. We reuse them for cleaning up the Duchess’s leavings on her walks and I’m doing an extensive art project with them, a 70 foot tall bile duct made entirely of plastic bags and my dreams. I got to the car and was putting everything in the back seat and some of the vitamin waters fell out of the bag. Fuck! one went under the car and I was cursing and chasing down rolling bottles of vitamin water. I put them back in the bag and they fell out again. Augggghhhhh! Godfuckingdammitfuckfuckfuck! This happened ONE MORE TIME and then as the slowest man on the planet, I realized there was a hole in the side of the bag. I just threw the bottles in the back of the car and went home to watch the Mets lose.

the soup is actually served in a bowl made from a Haddock

the soup is actually served in a bowl made from a Haddock

I Hate Me, part 311,998

I just got a new phone. I use the alarm on the phone to wake me up in the morning. I set up the alarm on the new phone forgetting that the old phone was still on. This morning Carrie had to get up and leave the house really early so I was left without an alarm safety net (“we should get up”). So the new phone alarm went off, seconds later the old phone which I had put on a shelf across the room went off. Normally if I was more awake I would’ve handled it with the customary aplomb I’m known for. I knocked the new phone off of the bedstand where it got swallowed up by a stack of books, so in a triage moment I went to the shelf where I proceeded to knock the old phone off it and it fell behind a pile of records, “MAHP,MAHP,MAHP,MAHP…”,EEE, EEE, EEE, EEE…”. I took me about 20 minutes (actual time 20 seconds) to find and turn off both alarms but I was awake.

my new phone

my new phone

I Like RECORDS 81

There’s a guy who has invented a kind of hipster jive talk when going through the used records. He’s a mumbler and usually wrong when talking about records. This isn’t usually an issue, customers talk a lot of inane woolyheaded bullshit while looking through the records. I don’t comment on it, because who cares if I think they’re wrong. This guy is one of those “Am I right?” guys and I usually shrug my shoulders, stare at the ground and mumble “ahhh..Idunnoman”, it’s pretty annoying. One time he tried to tell me that guitarist Charlie Byrd was the same person as saxophonist Charlie Parker, who’s nickname was “Bird”. He couldn’t be convinced even though one was white and one was black and they played different instruments. Last night he came in and found Huey Lewis and The News-Sports:
“Oh…yeah..this onethisone Huey and the Lews..30million 40million bigger than Thrillers..MichaelsThrillers…right?”
“…ohyeah?…”
yeahyeahyeah…lookitup…Huey man…bigbigBIGrecord”
“mmmm…didn’t know that…we’re closin’ up ”
“that’s what I’m talkin’ about, Huey and the Lews.”
I started turning off the lights.

Huey and the Lews

Huey and the Lews

Monmouth County question

I’ve lived in Monmouth County (or Mammoth Country as a drunken friend of mine once misread it) most of my life and I’ve seen the county seal but have no idea what it stands for. It looks like a child’s drawing of a pirate ship or a drawing I would do if somebody asked me to draw the cover for Focus*-Mother minus the woman.  I’m sure when Sam Monmouth, the inventor of Monmouth County was designing the county logo he didn’t go to his son Sam Monmouth Jr. and ask him to draw a pirate ship or maybe he did.
Sam Monmouth: Hear ye, Hear ye. I have a logo for the great county of Monmouth
he unveils it in a grand flourish
Crowd-(stunned silence)….(then various comments)…It’s hideous!….What did your kid draw it!…BOOOO!…HISSSS!…You’ve cheapened the county…You Monster!…
The crowd starts throwing things.
Sam Monmouth: AAAUURGGHHHH!!! …..I’ll kill all of you!!
Crowd-(as one) Burn the Monster!!
And the crowd got a bunch of torches and pitchforks and marched on Castle Monmouth burning it to the ground. This story was later rewritten as Frankenstein

(*of “hocus pocus by focus” fame)

Seal of Monmouth County

Seal of Monmouth County

Mother by Focus

Mother by Focus

 

I hate me, part 319,098/I like Records 80

Late middle-aged tire kicker. The kind of person who always asks for records that nobody ever has, much less seen. This usually leads to a conversation about how cool they are. The problem (one of many) with this guy was he didn’t really have all his info.
Guy-What’s the hardest record to find?
Me-uhhh, I don’t know…Any record I’m lookin’ for is hard to find.
Guy- Nuh uh…there’s a Stones record I’m looking for, I used to have it. It’s really rare…really hard to find…
Me-…(waiting)…which one is it?
Guy-I don’t know
Me-Nothin’?…no song titles?…no description of what the cover looks like?
Guy-..(defeated)..Yeah, that’s what makes it hard to find.
That’s like if Captain Ahab forgot everything about Moby Dick
Ahab-There’s a giant sea creature that I’m after…And it haunts me! We have to find it!
QueegQueg- What kind of creature be this?
Ahab-..I don’t know
Queegqueg-Oy vey

yeah, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for

yeah, I’m not really sure what I’m looking for

 

I Hate Me, part, 310,777

Wednesday night at work, an older woman with a heavy eastern european accent was looking for a Taylor Swift cd. I showed her where the section was, she didn’t know the song title just a lyric. I looked it up, found what cd it was on and went back to give her the correct album. She had another Taylor Swift cd in her hand, I thought she was handing it to me. So I took the cd out of her hand and showed her the one with the song she wanted. She still held out her hand, I thought it was some “old world” politeness and she wanted to shake my hand for finding the cd for her. So I shook her hand. She gave me a weird look.
“No, I want the cd you took from me.”
“..uhhh…I thought you wanted to shake my hand for finding the cd for you.”
“No. I will shake your hand if you want but I want the other cd that you took from me.”
“…….oh….”
I handed her the cd but I couldn’t run out for coffee (my usual move, when embarrassed ) as we were very short handed. So I just went back to pricing records and tried not to look at anything else until she left. Which seemed like an eternity but wasn’t.
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