I Hate Me, part 322,917

Carrie has been away for the week visiting her sister, which just leaves me and the Duchess (as we’ve been calling Lucy). So, I was by myself and painting the town beige which mainly consisted of being at home watching the Mets crawl to the end of another season. The dog for her part just stared at the window with the saddest face an animal could make (yes, that includes the Canadian Grief Fox) waiting for my wife to come home and giving me the dog equivalent look of “mom doesn’t do it that way”. Everything went pretty well until this morning’s walk. I always bring a bag to pick up the Duchess’s “leavings” and since my pockets are usually filled with random pieces of paper there’s enough for any extra’s that she’s willing to leave. Unfortunately today she was, I don’t know any better way to say it, a shitting machine. I used up the bag and all the pocket paper in the first fifteen minutes. I tried to get to where they might be big trees with big leaves for a natural shit collection fix but I wasn’t so lucky. A friend of mine gave me a couple of old baseball cards last night. Two 1980 cards, Bill Caudill and Mick Kelleher (both Cubs) and as I was reduced to using those two cards to scoop up more shit. We finally got about a block from home and Lucy did this circle around the stagecoach thing she does before she goes, and gave me a “hey, I don’t like this either” look and went one last time. There was nothing left to use, so I ended up using a dollar bill (In some circles this might be considered a political statement). So I walked the rest of the way home gingerly holding shit covered baseball cards and a dollar bill, hoping I wouldn’t see anybody I knew.

a card like this made the ultimate sacrifice

a card like this made the ultimate sacrifice

  1. She prolly has abandonment diarrhea. She’ll be fine when Carrie comes home. It’s not personal.

    • spank
    • October 1st, 2013

    I’m confused …….

    1) Why did a friend give you two old, very common BB cards the night before ??

    2) Why where the cards still in your pants pocket the next morning ??

    Also, it’s a good thing you didn’t use any George T. S. cards you have lying around, otherwise I’d go postal.

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