I Hate Me, pt. 376,018

When I go to the gym I go in the morning, usually around 7:30. There’s a street that I walk cross to get there. It’s a busy road and at that early hour it’s really busy. There’s no stop light where I cross, just the cross walk lines on the road and a giant yellow pedestrian crossing sign. I’m not really sure about these signs, they seem more like suggestions than an order. In my mind I hear the sign speaking in a laconic hippie voice, “Hey man, it would be really cool if you let these people cross the street but you know, it’s really up to you”. Most times the cars stop but it gets a bit harrowing sometimes. Last week and older woman and I were crossing the street and we got halfway across and a car just blew by, the driver who was on his phone glared at us. I yelled “asshole!” as one would in these types of situations. The woman was taken aback, “what did you call me?” I thought it was obvious who I was calling asshole, “Nothing…I didn’t call you anything…I…was calling the guy in the car…who almost hit us an asshole….we should move ”. This was not the type of conversation to be had while standing in the middle of a busy road and being early it was pretty much my first conversation of the day, I don’t really count the mumbled morning greetings with my wife a conversation (those mumbled gruntings probably sound the same as they did in the time of Cro-Magnon man). Of course as is my curse I over explained “That guy…almost hit us…and he was on the phone…and he glared at us….That’s who I yelled at”, I got a stone look from the woman. She was going to the gym as well and I just stayed out of her way and hid in the corner doing my ear-lobe curls, I’m up to 4 reps, using 5 pound weights. Soon I’ll have the strongest ear-lobes in Red Bank.

    • spank
    • June 18th, 2013

    Signs and lights don’t mean shit, nobody pays attention anymore.

    The other day I had to hitch a ride from a neighbor because my car was in the shop. We approach a red light and he runs right thru it. I said “Holy shit dude, you trying to get us killed?” and he tells me, “Oh, don’t worry, my brother drives like this all the time and nothing ever happens to him”.
    So, we come to another red light and he does it again, and his reply was the same “Oh, my brother drives like this and nothing ever happens to him”.
    Now, just as we’re approaching a green light he slams on the brakes and stops short, and I’m like “Dude, it’s a green light, what the fuck?” and he replies “Hey man, I ain’t taking no chances, my brother might be driving the other way”.

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