I Hate Me, Part, 308,882

After my nose debacle a few weeks ago  I Hate Me, part 293,341 (aka: Sometimes Satan is Green), I have been trying to keep better track of horrifying things lodged on my face (besides the actual face itself) with varying degrees of success. A few days ago I went for a cup of coffee after lunch. I had a salad and I usually brush my teeth after but both bathrooms were being used so I just ran out. I got kind of spooked about having a large piece of lettuce in my teeth. So I looked in the bank next door’s window, it’s reflective qualities were weak. Then it hit me, I’ll take a picture of my teeth with my phone* and look at it to see if there’s any salad hanging around.  I don’t have a smartphone. My phone would be cutting edge for 1995, it looks like an old communicator on Star Trek and I think the camera is half a pixel. So I was standing in front of the bank with my teeth bared, taking an extreme closeup of my teeth with my crummy phone. I looked up and there was an old couple staring at me. I looked at the picture of my teeth, found out that there was no salad stuck in them and smiled at the couple. They didn’t say anything, which of course made me uncomfortable and I wanted to explain that I wasn’t a crazy person. Unfortunately my explanations usually don’t help my case, “I uh…thought I had uh…something…salad…salad…some..a piece of salad…lettuce…some lettuce stuck in my teeth and there wasn’t any mirrors…or uh shiny glass to check…uh check my teeth..so…so I took a picture of them…my teeth..and uh…salad free teeth”. They didn’t say anything, and moved away quickly and I got my coffee, confidently with my salad free teeth.

*Yes, I know that phone self-portraits are referred to as “selfies”, which is a word that nobody my age should be saying.

my rotten phone

my rotten phone

  1. I know for a fact that the old couple were from the Ukraine, spoke no english, and the woman had heard that Americans were cannibals. Furthermore, “salad” in ukrainian translates to “I wish to eat elderly flesh.” True story.

    • spank
    • April 23rd, 2013

    “like an old communicator on Star Trek”

    it’s Star Track, dummy ……..

    • the artist formely known as Tiina
    • April 23rd, 2013

    Is that a phone? Or is it a bottle opener? You’ve used to open beer bootles, haven’t you?

      • the artist formely known as Tiina
      • April 23rd, 2013

      Damn my sausage fingers! I meant “You’ve used IT to open beer bottles, haven’t you?”

    • ChrisB.
    • April 23rd, 2013

    Beam us up, Snotty.

    • galbacco
    • April 23rd, 2013

    I think a selfie of your salad free teeth would have been a more appropriate pic…

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