I Hate Me, Part 302,901
Since I have been trying* to eat better, I’ve stayed away from places like 5 Guys Burgers. Which for those who don’t know is a high end fast food place that has really good burgers but is not particularly good for you, I can feel my heart turn into a hockey puck whenever I eat there. There’s a place in town that is kind of like that. It was lunch time and I was in a “I don’t give a fuck, I want a hamburger with bacon and cheese and bacon and a lot of shitty fries, mood”. Not so much comfort food as self loathing food. So I went in and ordered my burger and sat down and read the paper. The place was empty, me and another guy. After awhile, they brought out a burger and fries (which is what I ordered) and gave it to the other guy. The guy starts to eat the burger, stops after a bite and calls the guy back, “yeah, I ordered chicken fingers.” What! you couldn’t tell the difference between a plate of chicken fingers and a hamburger? For fucks sake, aauugh! Now, I was in a weird spot here. After years of being a really heavy guy, I’m always gonna think like one when it comes to slow food service. Be cool, don’t call undue attention to yourself, don’t bellow in a Jabba The Hut like voice “Where’s my FOOD!” But at the same time, my half hour lunch was ticking away. I settled on an animated “what the fuck” shrug with an eyeroll. They apologized and re-did my order really quickly, and it was terrible and kind of half assed because they were scrambling to get it done fast. It was like the diet gods were up above throwing lightning bolts made of kale at my unhealthy food quest.
*and the word “trying” is quite fluid here