I Hate Me, Part 302,901

Since I have been trying* to eat better, I’ve stayed away from places like 5 Guys Burgers. Which for those who don’t know is a high end fast food place that has really good burgers but is not particularly good for you, I can feel my heart turn into a hockey puck whenever I eat there. There’s a place in town that is kind of like that.  It was lunch time and I was in a “I don’t give a fuck, I want a hamburger with bacon and cheese and bacon and a lot of shitty fries, mood”. Not so much comfort food as self loathing food. So I went in and ordered my burger and sat down and read the paper. The place was empty, me and another guy. After awhile, they brought out a burger and fries (which is what I ordered) and gave it to the other guy. The guy starts to eat the burger, stops after a bite and calls the guy back, “yeah, I ordered chicken fingers.” What! you couldn’t tell the difference between a plate of chicken fingers and a hamburger? For fucks sake, aauugh! Now, I was in a weird spot here. After years of being a really heavy guy, I’m always gonna think like one when it comes to slow food service. Be cool, don’t call undue attention to yourself, don’t bellow in a Jabba The Hut like voice “Where’s my FOOD!” But at the same time, my half hour lunch was ticking away. I settled on an animated “what the fuck” shrug with an eyeroll. They apologized and re-did my order really quickly, and it was terrible and kind of half assed because they were scrambling to get it done fast. It was like the diet gods were up above throwing lightning bolts made of kale at my unhealthy food quest.

*and the word “trying” is quite fluid here

imagine it shaped into a lightning bolt and being thrown by ancient diet gods like Un-Salto the god of blandness

imagine it shaped into a lightning bolt and being thrown by ancient diet gods like Un-Salto the god of blandness

 

    • ChrisB.
    • April 4th, 2013

    That is beyond belief. I thought blind people had a heightened sense of smell.

    • Tiina
    • April 4th, 2013

    Here’s a free (and crappy) diet tip. A friend of mine tried it when she was on a diet. She would picture a hamburger in her head and say “it tastes like shit and smells like fart” while thinking about the hamburger. Then she would repeat it about ten times. It was sort of like a mantra.

    It didn’t work but it was fun to watch.

      • Tiina
      • April 4th, 2013

      Good God that was the stupidest reply ever.

        • spank
        • April 8th, 2013

        Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself ……… I’ve seen worse from you before 🙂

  1. I have a great white bean & baby kale soup recipe. Let me know if you want it.

    • spank
    • April 8th, 2013

    “The place was empty, me and another guy”

    Should have used the term “scarcely occupied” instead of “empty” because there were two knuckleheads inside the place.

    What stupid, lousy, good for nothing, half the kids hanging in the woods smoking dope kind of high school did you go to ???

      • Tiina
      • April 9th, 2013

      The same one you did? 🙂

        • spank
        • April 9th, 2013

        Hey, I might have spent a majority of my time hanging out in the woods, but I grad-u-mated that school with a solid edge-a-ma-cation.

    • Tiina
    • April 9th, 2013

    “Hey, I might have spent the majority of my time hanging out in the woods, but I grad-u-mated that school with a solid edge-a-ma-cation.”

    Write. And I went to Harward.

  2. yeah, i rate them as more of “three-guys”, maybe…
    (two guys went out of business)
    mean-slice makes a better burger, and you get those crazy round fries.
    warning: avoid RBC hours of frequency

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