Archive for April, 2013

Many Extra Tales Sad (My Entire Team Sucks #10)

[a disjointed rant written after watching the Mets lose again]

Last nights fifteen inning pathetic excuse for a baseball game between the Mets and what’s left of the Marlins was one of the more painful games I’ve ever subjected myself to. Neither team wanted to win, yet both were too incompetent to lose in a timely fashion. There were more people left on base than were in the stands. Fucking brutal. To call the Mets offense anemic is at best charitable and at worst besmirching the word anemic. Matt Harvey was great to watch, even if it wasn’t a good outing for him. Blah, blah, blah, being a Mets fan is tough, boo hoo. Readers of this blog who don’t live in America have suggested I watch “Football” or Snooker or simply go fuck myself.

Much like the Mets themselves all MLB Club Cans with the Mets logo on them are flat

Much like the Mets themselves all MLB Club Cans with the Mets logo on them are flat

I LIKE RECORDS 78

here are two slight stories that add up to nothing

1)
[Record Store Day]
Phone Rings
“Hello, Jacks Music”
“……Yeeaahhh, is this the juice bar?”
“No, it’s a record store”
“…awwww..I REALLY wanted the juice bar”
“sorry”
“waitwaitwait…didja get the Phish* album in?”
I thought you wanted a juice bar”
“…Yeeeaaahh…I guess…but I REALLY want the Phish album”
“Well…the store in town that sold juice and records doesn’t sell records anymore and we don’t sell juice and we’re sold out of the Phish album.”
“…soooooo…do ya got the Phish record?”
“no”
“…annnnd no juice?”
“no”
“bummer 

*the Phish album Lawn Boy was a limited Record Store Day release

2)
A frantic guy came up to the back counter
“ya gotta find this cd for me”
He handed us a card that was written in Cyrillic, which I used to call “the Russian alphabet”. It’s not only a foreign language, it’s a foreign alphabet
“this is in cyrillic, do you have a translation?”
“can’t you type it in?”
“well, no it’s a different language with a different alphabet, don’t you know what it is?”
“no…so you can’t type it in”
“no..most of these letters don’t exist in english..what’s this letter, it looks like a lowercase b with a hat”
“but, I really want that cd”
“well..you’re gonna have to do some homework on it yourself”
“so……..you can’t do it?
“no”
And then I pretended I had a phone call.

Cyrillic Alphabet

Cyrillic Alphabet

Sunday Music 4/28/13

Lightning Beat-Man : I Said Yeah
Lightning Beat-Man or Reverend Beat-Man (depending on the release) is a Swiss guy who produces a shitload of super primitive Rock and Roll, most of it is great. This is from Apartment Wrestling Rock and Roll (Voodoo Rhythm Records)  [click on arrow below to listen]

imgres-3

Reprint: the woes of Ike Davis

[This is a reprint from last year when Ike Davis had a terrible start to his year, much like the start he’s having this year]

 

A&P Press 6/11/12
by Eddie Yost

The New York Mets are vigorously denying reports concerning a grisly solution to first baseman Ike Davis’s hitting woes. Davis, in his third year was once one of the bright spots in the Mets organization but health issues and an anemic batting average (.167) are troubling.
The shocking rumors state that a ritualistic sacrifice of ex-Met hero and current SNY television announcer Keith Hernandez was considered. Furthermore, Hernandez’s skin was to be fashioned into an unholy uniform for Davis to wear. The hopes being that this would appease the fickle baseball Gods and turn Davis’s season around.
An anonymous source close to the situation said in part, “Yeah, they (the Mets) talked to Hernandez’s people about the sacrifice thing…you know make a big deal out of it, giant stone alter in center field, fire works.. a real event. Of course his (Hernandez’s) people were not into it, at all. Frankly they were appalled..bad scene…believe me, the Metsie’s are gonna need to mend a lot of fences there. But Christ, they gotta do something. Management would be happy if Davis was hitting as good as (Ed) Kranepool or even Tim Harkness.”

'nuff said

’nuff said

 

I Hate Me, Part, 308,882

After my nose debacle a few weeks ago  I Hate Me, part 293,341 (aka: Sometimes Satan is Green), I have been trying to keep better track of horrifying things lodged on my face (besides the actual face itself) with varying degrees of success. A few days ago I went for a cup of coffee after lunch. I had a salad and I usually brush my teeth after but both bathrooms were being used so I just ran out. I got kind of spooked about having a large piece of lettuce in my teeth. So I looked in the bank next door’s window, it’s reflective qualities were weak. Then it hit me, I’ll take a picture of my teeth with my phone* and look at it to see if there’s any salad hanging around.  I don’t have a smartphone. My phone would be cutting edge for 1995, it looks like an old communicator on Star Trek and I think the camera is half a pixel. So I was standing in front of the bank with my teeth bared, taking an extreme closeup of my teeth with my crummy phone. I looked up and there was an old couple staring at me. I looked at the picture of my teeth, found out that there was no salad stuck in them and smiled at the couple. They didn’t say anything, which of course made me uncomfortable and I wanted to explain that I wasn’t a crazy person. Unfortunately my explanations usually don’t help my case, “I uh…thought I had uh…something…salad…salad…some..a piece of salad…lettuce…some lettuce stuck in my teeth and there wasn’t any mirrors…or uh shiny glass to check…uh check my teeth..so…so I took a picture of them…my teeth..and uh…salad free teeth”. They didn’t say anything, and moved away quickly and I got my coffee, confidently with my salad free teeth.

*Yes, I know that phone self-portraits are referred to as “selfies”, which is a word that nobody my age should be saying.

my rotten phone

my rotten phone

Sunday Music 4/21/13

Tyvek-Frustration Rock
I know I’ve blathered about these guys in the past but I can’t emphasize enough how great they are. Reminiscent of The Fall, Swell Maps, and Wire (Yes! All of them!). Go out and buy all of their albums. This is from the 2011 singles collection Fast Metabolism [to listen, click on arrow thing below]

tyvek_fast_metabolism_main

Gorgo, the comic

I got a great gift a few days ago, Ditko Monsters, GORGO! (IDW publishing). The movie Gorgo (1961) was a Godzilla knock-off and bargin basement comic book publisher Charlton did a comic based on it. Steve Ditko (Spiderman) did the art and It’s some of my favorite work by him . The thing that stands out for me is that Gorgo and it’s mother only terrorize mankind when their sleep gets disturbed. That’s it, just sleep and who can’t empathize with that.
gorgo4gorgo 2gorgo5gorgo 1

I Hate Me. Part 309,012

I was driving my wife to work. She had this nice outfit on; black and white striped skirt. black top and jacket. She set it off with a thin red belt. Being a record collecting mutant, the belt reminded me of the Gary Numan album Telekon. Being an idiot I blurted out, “Wow, you look like Gary Numan”. Now as far as I know no woman would ever strive to look like Gary Numan.
“What?…You think I look like Gary Numan?”
“nonono…there’s uh …Gary Numan album called uh….I forgot what it’s called…but he’s wearing some kind of black unitard with uh….a bunch of tiny red belts on it…like uh some futuristic uniform…”
“…….So you find Gary Numan attractive?”
Nonono…it’s just the belt…you don’t look like Gary Numan…it’s the belt……..thebelt..Garynumanbelt……”
“mmmmmmmmm”
“………….I think it’s supposed to get up to 70 today”
Gary Numan”
aauuughhh”

Numan!

Numan!

 

Sleazy Business: A Pictorial History of Exploitation Tabloids 1959-1974

I was going through my stuff and I found a book that I thought was lost, Sleazy Business by Alan Betrock. Betrock (who died in 2000) was kind of a renaissance man who produced Blondie’s early recordings, founded the New York Rocker an early punk/new wave magazine and had Shake Records who released early dB’s records. He also did Shake Books which specialized in the history exploitation,sleaze and early Rock ‘n Roll. Shake Books was to publishing what the Cramps were to music. Sleazy Business came out in 1996 and it’s well worth seeking out. It’s not all larfs either, a lot of it is pretty brutal and sad. Here’s a few front pages (I avoided the more brutal, sad stuff).
sleazy 2sleazy 3sleazy 4
sleazy 5sleazy 6
sleazy 1sleazy 7

Odds and Ends

A lot of what I write never makes it to the blog because A) it’s terrible or B) it’s a half formed idea that never really makes it into a complete piece. So here are a couple of partial things that wouldn’t make it on their own and barely make it in this grab bag of mirth:
1)
This is most of the back cover of Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band album Stranger in Town from 1978. These guys were Midwest working class rock guys, their main audience was blue collar rock guys and their ladies. They weren’t flamboyant like Queen, or occulty like Led Zeppelin, or vaguely sci-fi-ish like Rush. Seger was working the same side of the street as Springsteen and Tom Petty. What the hell is going on with the two guys on the right? Seger looks like you’d expect, a bit hipper version of Kenny Rogers and Pinky McSatin looks like he could be auditioning for Journey but its those two guys on the right…
seger

2)
Sean found this drawing in a used book at work, it looks pretty old. I like the addition of the check marks, like there was a list of things to be drawn: Shoulders, check and check, Completed fancy woman with no feet, check
drawing in book

3)
During the horse meat in Ikea story a while ago I was trying to show that there was horse meat in everything Ikea sold, not just the meatballs. It was a fairly thin premise and everything seemed redundant after the first one

"The Snern table, great for dorms or small apartments. Contains only 18% horse meat, earlier models had close to 23%"

“The Snern table, great for dorms or small apartments. Contains only 18% horse meat, earlier models had close to 23%”