REPRINT: Police Blotter, March 17th

[I’ve been sorting thru my record collection, thinning the herd and I haven’t had much time to write, this is a thing I did about St. Patricks Day a few years ago]

Police Blotter, March 17th

-A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Monday evening. Police are still investigating.

-O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Monday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

-The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Tuesday morning. Police are still investigating.

-The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Tuesday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

-A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Tuesday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

-An altercation Tuesday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

-A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Tuesday Evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.

    • Tiina
    • March 12th, 2013

    Oh, Patrick, that crazy old drunk. Did you know that he hates Metallica’s Black album more than anything?

    • spank
    • March 12th, 2013

    Why are there so many motherfuckin’ snakes all thru this motherfuckin’ story ??

    Why you motherfucker ……….. try reading that in Red from the Tube Bar’s voice, it’s fun.

    • spank
    • March 18th, 2013

    OK, St. Let’s All Turn Into A Bunch Of Drunken Assholes Day is over, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, got that many records …… get your ass moving and write something.

      • Tiina
      • March 18th, 2013

      Yeeees. I have to say I agree with spank.

        • spank
        • March 18th, 2013

        Agreeably, I agree with your agreement.

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