Archive for March, 2013

Re-post of an old Good Friday/Easter blog

[I did this a couple of years ago, enjoy. Marv Albert is a sports announcer, mainly basketball. He was the voice of the Knicks for years]

If Marv Albert called Good Friday

“Jesus putting a move on Peter…goes to the net…and De-Nied! by Peter…Jesus who’s had a pretty hot hand dribbles left…and with a step…goes to the net..aaannd De-Nied again by Peter…Peter is on fire tonight…and he’s in Jesus’s face….Jesus….slowing things down a bit showing his full repertoire of moves…goes to the baseline….and Re-Jected by Peter…He’s denied Jesus three times…There’s the cock crow and it’s all over.”

Marv Albert

Marv Albert

I Hate Me, Part 110,572

I was running late, very late. I had to drop the car off with my wife before work but not before going to the post office and the hardware store. The post office is in a little strip mall, I got in and out really fast. Great. It was a windy day and as I was heading back to my car I saw a shopping cart from the Acme very slowly blowing across the parking lot towards my car. It was pretty far away, so I thought I could beat it. The smart thing would have been to walk over and put it into the conga line of shopping carts outside of the store. But no, it turned into some race against time doomsday scenario. Like a really terrible action movie. I got to the car, meanwhile cue the Jaws music as the cart slowly, inexorably wended it’s way towards my car. “C’mon start you piece of shit!”…..KLUNK…. “fuckingoddamnit!” Not only had the cart hit my car but it stopped behind it. I had to get out and move it. I was late for everything else all day.

cue Jaws music

cue Jaws music

I LIKE RECORDS 77

How Not To Price Records

We had gotten in a pretty good copy of Beatles ’65 (in “mono”, for those keeping score), I was going to sell it for $7.99. I was pricing a stack of records and was going thru it pretty fast and was pretty sloppy. Here’s a re-creation of what happened with Beatles ’65

Fig.1: This looks like $1.99, it’s supposed to be $7.99, the top part of the seven or his “hat” as it’s known in pricing circles is not long enough. Luckily, it’s a quick fix

Fig. 1

Fig. 1

Fig. 2: Or is it? Instead of just extending it’s “hat” I gave the seven a “stabilizing bar” as is standard practice according to Num6ers: Number Writing in the 21st Century and Beyond (Lenny Harris, 2002 Tidewater Press) which I think is premier book on numbering. Anyhow, it doesn’t look like a 7, it looks like a deformed plus sign. So I went back in

Fig. 2

Fig. 2

Fig. 3: I fell into the classic numbering mistake of extending the “hat” too much, making it look like an unfinished “A” floating in space. Grrrrr.

Fig. 3

Fig. 3

Fig. 4: I should have paid attention to the old adage “Never number angry” but I didn’t and I wound up adding an extended “claw” to the “hat”. When done correctly a “claw hat” seven is a thing of beauty. This isn’t one of those times.

Fig. 4

Fig. 4

Fig. 5: Commonly known as a “Gorilla Monsoon” named after the former wrestler and amateur numberer. This is the final stop in numbering. Primitive, brutal and all but unreadable, the “Gorilla Monsoon” style has been the death of many Sharpies and has been rumored to cause job ending nightmares to more than a few of the more sensitive professional numberers

Fig. 5

Fig. 5

Fig. 6: I decided to remove the sticker and start over. So removing the sticker with all the finesse of a dull blunt object, I turned a $7.99 record into a $3.99 record. The end.

Fig. 6

Fig. 6

I LIKE RECORDS 76

[this one is kind of thin]

Guy looking through the cd racks and loudly reading the names on the dividers
“Blood Sweat and Tears….Bowie…yeah…Brian Jonestown Massacre?
…Brian…Jones…Town…Massacre?….Claaaaash”. This went on for a while and Matt eventually asked him if he needed any help
Guy-”yeah, where’s your folk rock section”
Matt- “we have a folk section and we have a rock section but we don’t have a folk rock section, who were you looking for?
Guy- “Bluegrass”
We then made a giant bonfire in the parking lot with all the cd’s and albums in the store*

*I just added that last part to make it more interesting. God knows it couldn’t be less interesting. Here’s a less interesting story just to make the above story more fascinating :
Guy- “do you have the new Bon Jovi cd?
Me- “sure, it’s right over here.”
Guy- “thanks.”
See, now the top story seems like it should be told at the Algonquin Round Table**

**I just added the A.R.T. (Algonquin Round Table for those not in the “know”) reference to show that I have sense of history, to give the blog a “literary gravitas” or at least the illusion of “literary””gravitas” or “lit” “era” “r” “y grav” “itas” “”***

***is it too early to start drinking?****

****no
File:Algrt

I Hate Me, part 156,390 / I LIKE RECORDS 75

A while back we got in a used copy of a Jimi Hendrix box set (West Coast Seattle Boy). It’s an eight lp set and this copy was missing album #6 and had two copies of album #7. We put it out used and I marked it explaining what was wrong with it. This middle aged guy came in, he sounded like he was from eastern europe. His english was halting and hard to understand.
Guy-So this is missing six albums…why should I buy?
me-No…it’s missing album NUMBER 6…there are eight lp’s in the box
Guy-No, six lp’s are missing not eight
me-no…no….grrruuuuuuhhh…there are eight lp’s (I held up eight fingers)…but there are…are two…two of one of them…soooooo…while there are eight (I held up 8 fingers again) albums IN THE BOX…there are only SEVEN (I held up 7 fingers)different albums…one of them is in there twice.
Guy-uhhhhh…
me-mmmmmmm?
Guy-uhhhhhh…may…be
I walked back behind the counter and went about pricing records, a couple of minutes later…
Guy-Do you have Budgie Yes?
me-we have a bunch of Yes albums but no Budgie
Guy-No Yes, Budgie Yes?
[AAAAAUGGHHHHH!]
me-uhhhh…uhhhhh…so…uhhh NO Yes…just Budgie?
Guy-Yes
me-sorry, no Budgie
I went back behind the counter again and went back to pricing records. I figured shit lightning could only strike twice, but…
Guy-Dave Brombeck
me-David Bromberg or Dave Brubeck?
Guy-Yes
me-no…no…it’s one or the other…David Bromberg is folk (I mimed playing a mandolin or a tiny guitar)…Dave Brubeck is Jazz (mimed playing piano)
Guy-where?
I pointed out where the two sections were on my way out the door for an emergency coffee.

"MARAJUANA MADNESS" found this in a copy of Led Zeppelin-In Through the Out Door

“MARAJUANA MADNESS” found this in a copy of Led Zeppelin-In Through the Out Door

REPRINT: Police Blotter, March 17th

[I’ve been sorting thru my record collection, thinning the herd and I haven’t had much time to write, this is a thing I did about St. Patricks Day a few years ago]

Police Blotter, March 17th

-A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Monday evening. Police are still investigating.

-O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Monday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

-The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Tuesday morning. Police are still investigating.

-The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Tuesday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

-A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Tuesday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

-An altercation Tuesday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

-A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Tuesday Evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.

I Hate Me, part 243,002

[note: this story is at best slender]
I had to go to the store after work. I ended up going to the A&P in Little Silver because the Foodtown didn’t have what I needed. A long time ago this A&P was great because it was open 24 hours and you could do weekly shopping with no one in the store except employees. Their prices were higher but I didn’t care because at one in the morning it was my personal supermarket. Dare I say, it was magical. Times have changed, now they close at 10pm and they have slow doors. I am not a fast man and their automatic doors are so slow that I’ve walked into them on several occasions, causing equal parts anger and embarrassment. They also lock one of the entrances near closing but they used to have a “please use other door” sign, not tonight. Clunk, walked right into it, slowly because I thought it was just slow not locked. Grrrrrr. Got what I had to buy and went to the checkout, they only had the self checkout open. I’m not a big self checkout fan, items don’t always read correctly and the self checkout watcher has to rouse themselves and come over and help but not before yelling out instructions “try scanning it againnnn”. If I was buying ass flavored Chex Mix then yes, I would appreciate the privacy of a self checkout but I’m not. I just want to get out of their quickly. There was a line of two people for the self checkout, I wasn’t paying attention and just stood there for a minute then I figured out that the two customers were talking to each other and the other self checkouts were open. Just as I realized this, “Hey, use those two” the self checkout matron yelled from her perch pointing to two open registers. So I started scanning my stuff and, “Hey, use that register”. Christ was I using the wrong register, fuck. I started gathering up my stuff to go to the other register, “No, not you…him”. Me, him, what? My mind was a bag of soft peanuts and I stopped caring. I finished, paid and walked into a slow door on my way out. Check and mate.

caution: slow doors(not actual A&P I went to)

caution: slow doors
(not actual A&P I went to)