I Hate Me, Part 264,002

I went into Starbucks a couple of days ago. It was cold, I was creaky and miserable*. As I was slouching towards the counter a woman jumped in front of me and brandished her smart phone towards the barista
Woman: Scan this, I get a free drink, I want a Trenta green tea…iced.
She was holding her phone rather shakily and the barista had problems scanning her phone coupon. It was like they were doing a secret handshake.
Barista: I’m sorry, it’s not coming up for a free drink.
Woman: Hmmm…Try it again…I don’t care, I’ll pay but scan it again.
And again there was the shaky hand jive while the phone coupon was scanned. I was dying, I really needed a coffee (tall dark roast, red eye). I just stared off into space while slowly losing the will to live
Barista: No, I’m sorry a free coffee didn’t come up.
Woman: (heavy sigh) Oh well…I’ll take the tea anyway…and these bananas, do you have any others…these are kind of …googy
As she said the last part, she looked over to me with an eye roll, trying to get some customer solidarity. I wanted no part of it, what I wanted was a goddamned coffee.The bananas looked fine, if they’re not visibly rotting and covered in fruit flies then there’s no reason to complain. And what the fuck does “googy”** mean? The barista brought out another two bananas that looked just like the four that where already there.
Woman: Oh yes, these are much better…those were terrible.
I finally got my coffee, and it was the best coffee ever. (Note: I know that ending was kind of weak but that’s how it happened)

* “Creaky and Miserable” is also the name of my Black Flag cover band

**She might have meant “Arthur Googy” ex Misfits drummer, who actually looked more like a plantain than a banana

also selling "googy" bananas

also selling “googy” bananas

 

    • Corn Husk
    • January 25th, 2013

    “She might have meant “Arthur Googy” ex Misfits drummer, who actually looked more like a plantain than a banana”

    This is perfect!

    • spank
    • January 25th, 2013

    Googy is Uncle Floyd’s wooden* puppet side-kick …… he’s tell sappy* jokes, is known to bark* orders at Looney Skip Rooney and goes “brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” if you turn his nose like a dial.

    *wooden, sappy, bark …. got that? Man, I crack me up sometimes …… I’m more hilarious than a Scott Gordon & Weenie skit.

    Snap it, Pal !!

    • Tiina
    • January 25th, 2013

    Were the woman and the barista singing the the song Born to Hand-jive while doing the shaky secret handshake-jive with the scanner and the smartphone? That would make an awesome musical number.

    “Higher, higher, higher and higher
    Now can you hand-jive baby?
    Oh, can you hand-jive baby?
    Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah
    Born to hand-jive, oh yeah” (Gotta love these lyrics!!)

      • spank
      • January 26th, 2013

      You want some hand jive? How about some hand jive from Mr. Thorogood …..

        • Tiina
        • January 26th, 2013

        Yesh! Hand jive and violence! Best combo ever! I’m super impressed, thanks spank. Although, at first I thought they were singing about handjobs, which seemed kinda odd to me… You know, in pro-wrestling context. I should probably clean my ears.

    • spank
    • January 26th, 2013

    “Although, at first I thought they were singing about hand jobs”

    Well, maybe you were thinking about this song:

      • Tiina
      • January 26th, 2013

      Awww, that was so touching. The punch in the face in particular (Got it? Touch->punch. Yeah, I crack me up sometimes, too).

      I really enjoyed the song. Is it one of your own home videos? You’re a pretty good lyricist, keep up the good work! Lotsa larfs….

      (Hmm… I have a feeling Tim is about to kick out a couple of idiots trying to hijack his blog. Don’t do it, Tim!)

        • spank
        • January 26th, 2013

        Nope, not my video at all ….. I produce quality country & western videos, like “How Can I Miss You (When You Won’t Ever Leave)”, “I’ve Missed You, Darlin’ (With Every Shot So Far)” and “A Cute Puppy For My Wife (The Best Trade I Ever Made).

    • Tiina
    • January 26th, 2013

    spank :
    Nope, not my video at all ….. I produce quality country & western videos, like “How Can I Miss You (When You Won’t Ever Leave)”, “I’ve Missed You, Darlin’ (With Every Shot So Far)” and “A Cute Puppy For My Wife (The Best Trade I Ever Made).

    Oh, man, you’re cracking me up!!! (laughing like mad)

    I just fell off the couch. Granted, I haven’t slept in a week, but your country & western videos sound quite ingenious…

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