I Hate Me, Part 287,111

My never ending quest for Jazz apples led me to an Acme Supermarket, not my backup supermarket in Fair Haven but the one in Shrewsbury (near Call Me Ishmael’s-Discount Whaling Supply Hut). Not my store of choice but here I was on a hot tip my wife got thru her Apple blog, Apples, Fuck Yeah! Well they had the Jazz apples and they seemed reasonably fresh. Unfortunately they were displayed (see diagrams below)in such a way that the apples were sitting on top of each other and it was like a game of apple Jenga, trying to pull out the freshest apples without disturbing the apples that were resting on them. I got two and then when I went for a third, POW! I grabbed the wrong apple and a good 8-10 apples started to fall off the display. I tried to grab them which made me drop the apples I already had and the result was about 10 apples rolling around the floor. There’s no way to look like anything but an idiot when scrambling for fallen apples, there should have been Benny Hill music playing in the store as I was trying to round up the fallen and now mostly bruised apples. An old woman was standing near the lettuce watching this happen and she just shook her head disgustedly at me like I had been playing a prank. I gathered up the apples, found four that weren’t terrible and slunk towards the checkout. That Acme now has a radioactive embarrassment half life of about six to eight months.

TRANSLATION: #1 cutaway of grocers fruit display. #2 how the jazz apples were displayed

TRANSLATION: #1 cutaway of grocers fruit display. #2 how the jazz apples were displayed

    • spank
    • January 16th, 2013

    Never buy anything from Acme ….. damn coyote couldn’t catch the roadrunner (beep-beep) with all the shit he bought from there, what makes you think you’d get your apples without having a problem too ??

    Didn’t you learn anything on Saturday mornings, or were you just always hung over ???

    P.S. Notice how Tim’s drawing of apples got shittier as he went along, by the time he got to the last one he couldn’t even finish drawing it ….. or is that representative of your disgusting habit of taking a sample bite of fruit and putting it back on the shelf ?? ….. Apples are not like chocolates in a Whitman sampler, once you pierce the skin it’s yours to buy.

    What a menace to the shopping community ….. you should have slunk all the way home after that stunt.

  1. Man, first Foodtown, now Acme. At least there’s still the Lincroft one, or was there a Jazz apple catastrophe there, too? (Jazz Apple Catastrophe, live at the Brighton next week, opening for Frankenstein 3000 and Graveyard School.)

    • Tiina
    • January 17th, 2013

    Man, I feel for you. The same thing happened to me once, but it wasn’t apples that caused me trouble, it was catfood. There was a beautiful pile of catfood cans on the isle between dogfood and toys for pets. I was looking over my shoulder for some reason so I didn’t notice the catfood and hit the damn pile. There were cans of juicy trout bits everywhere and people staring at me.

    So embarrassing.

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