I Hate Me, Part 245,005

As I’ve written in a previous missive about my near obsession with Jazz Apples (I Hate Me, Part 1,009,877,334 aka Showdown in Appletown), I have been going to Delicious Orchards to buy them as they’re the only place around that sells them. Delicious Orchards is an old, folksy produce market and bakery (“…and so much more”), it’s about twenty minutes away. I know driving that far for goddamned specific apples is ridiculous but I am ridiculous, so it makes sense. I went to pick up our weekly batch of apples and I went to the apple department and I didn’t see any Jazz apples. there were 1,000’s of apples; Red Delicious, Gala, Honey Crisp, Rome, Lumpy Joe, Pacific Rose, Balkan Cartilage, Golden Delicious, Nixon!, McIntosh, there were a lot of apples but no Jazz Apples. I asked the apple guy, who was unfortunately not dressed like an apple nor wearing an apple shaped hat:
Me-Where’s the Jazz….apples?
Apple Guy- We don’t have them now
Me-Isn’t it apple month? shouldn’t you guys have them, you usually have them.
Apple Guy-It’s not apple month, I’m not sure there is an apple month.
Somehow, I had convinced myself that it was Apple Month. I don’t even know what it means, I’m guessing a celebration of apples, if it existed.
So under protest, I filled a bag with Honey Crisp and Nixon! apples and trudged to the counter.

    • spank
    • September 21st, 2012

    There is a National Apple Month, and it’s in October …. and the punk you talked to should have known that, since he’s only working at a hundred year old historic food market that grew out of and is still in the middle of a fuckin’ APPLE ORCHARD !!!

    • MSlattery
    • September 21st, 2012

    They had an apple festival last weekend. Also a car show. What a fiasco. They had them on Sunday. Those bastards!!!

    • Johnny A. Seed
    • September 23rd, 2012

    You and your dopey apple stories ….. if you were standing near me, I’d go all Ignatz mouse on you and bean you with a honey crisp (which happens to be THE BEST apple around, period)

  1. “If I say it’s Apple Month, then it’s FUCKIN’ APPLE MONTH!!!”- Frank Booth, Blue Velvet.

    • Chris Burns
    • September 25th, 2012

    And so, with a heavy heart and a bindle of honey crisp, our not-so-little tramp ambles off into the sunset. Iris in…fini.

    • dd
    • September 25th, 2012

    granny smith bro…. gran-eee smith!

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