I Hate Me, Part 263,012

Went to look at an old record collection. It was at a retirement community and the guy was old. Three days older than dirt, old. He was there with his son. The apartment, while spacious was kind of cheaply made, thin walls and doors, like a mobile home. I had to use the bathroom (number 1, if anyone is keeping score). The bathroom door wouldn’t stay shut. I didn’t want to slam the door hard for fear of breaking something. I saw a large feather duster in the corner and propped it against the door in hopes of keeping it closed. It didn’t hold long and with the door open, the old guy walked by, scowled at me “Close the goddamned door…this ain’t a barn!” and then he saw the feather duster, “What the hell are you doing with that?!” Before I could answer, he slammed the door with a lot more force than I would have given him credit for and the door stayed shut. I wanted to transport out of there or go in a Way-Back machine, but since I couldn’t do either one of those, I slunk out. I left the bathroom and went right into my explanation/apology, the old guy was sitting with his back to me. As I got closer, in frantic mid explanation his son told me, “He’s not listening. he’s asleep.” I bought a few records and got the hell out of there before he woke up.

    • spank
    • July 10th, 2012

    And as you left the building (a shout out to Elvis !!), a camera panned to a man in a suit smoking a cigarette, who explains that what you have just witnessed is neither real or imagined, and then goes on to tell you about next week’s episode.

  1. This is exactly why I subscribe, and may I say, it was worth every penny

    • rufus xavier sasparilla
    • July 10th, 2012

    you should have killed the son, skinned him, wore him like a suit and slapped the old man around a little….

    • dd
    • July 11th, 2012

    what did you buy….? the feather duster?

    • crud_bucket
    • August 30th, 2012

    kudos to you, tim. i was giggling like a school girl over this one. i thought for sure you were gonna say that the old man had you kicked out of the old folks home for being one of those “feather dusting freeks”.

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