I Hate Me, part 266,901

The dog (Lucy, aka Baby Dog Duvalier) needed to go out for a walk. Carrie who usually takes her out was busy so I took her out. We were about a block away and I realized that I didn’t bring a bag for her “leavings”. I was praying that we could get through the walk without incident, which is dumb because that’s one of the main reasons for a walk. She finally went. I couldn’t just leave it, that would be hypocritical of me ( A few times while standing on a soapbox, I might have said “People not cleaning up their dogs shit is one of the signs of society collapsing!”). So I had to clean it up. The dog was looking at me “C’mon, I’m done. Let’s go…what, do you wanna shit too?”. Now, my filing system for personal papers consists mainly of jamming small bits of paper into my pockets and then throwing them out when I do laundry. The largest piece of paper I could find had the phone number of guy that Jacks (the record store where I work) was supposed to buy a lot of records from (around 10,000). I had already lost this guys number once, so I wrote it giant sized on a full sized piece of paper. I was looking around for a big leaf to clean up after Lucy. A horrifying variation on stuffed grape leaves, but no big leaves. The only thing I could use was the paper with the phone number on it. I cleaned it up and when I got home had the unenviable task of scraping dogshit off of the paper and recopying it.

[Carrie, my wife would like to mention that she doesn’t agree with the characterization of the dog in my blogs. She says that Lucy is the cutest, most wonderful dog in the history of dogs]

  1. Hahhahahahahahahaha! How dare you steal my filing system! I knew I should have trademarked it! Thanks for sharing this. Makes me feel one step closer to “it’s ok to be not normal”

    • spank
    • May 8th, 2012

    …. and here’s what happens next:

    You won’t be buying any records off this guy because, upon further inspection, you’ll determine his collection to be not worth “shit”.

    He will reply “Bullshit, there’s alot of good shit in this collection” and you’ll say “Listen, I know good shit when I see it, I’m involved with this kind of shit all day, and this ain’t good shit, so get your shitty records outta here, I’ve taken enough shit from you already … as a matter of fact, this whole entire deal has been one big pile of shit!”

    As the man leaves, he says to you “I hope you step in dog shit on your way home”, and you reply “Been there, done that”.

      • spank
      • May 8th, 2012

      P.S. Your wife is right, Lucy rocks … your constant bad mouthing is why that little angel, sweetie darling left you that pile of poop for you to step in.

      You see, karma’s a bitch …. now go ahead, make some more collages of Elvis, I dare you.

        • fishbreath
        • May 9th, 2012

        they were really funny, spank, thanks

    • spank
    • May 9th, 2012

    Wait a minute …. did your wife just say “Lucy is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful doggie I’ve ever known in my life” ??

    Better not show her the Queen of Diamonds …..

    • fishbreath
    • May 9th, 2012

    lucy is cute, but in that picture she looks like an old woman contemplating a chess move at the gulag.

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