I Hate Me, Part 233,912

A story in three parts, told backwards:

1) I had a really nice pair of jeans and then I got crazy glue on them and it turned the denim into this other element, a very brittle fabric that cracked easily. So I was sitting at work, pissed off about my brittle cracked jeans and I decided I would do something about it, I would break off the small part of the ruined jeans and sew a patch onto it, it wouldn’t be perfect but it would work. This seemed like a good idea until I started to break off parts of the jeans, I was taking good parts off with it. So I ended up cutting some of it with scissors and the hole got bigger and bigger still. This was not something I should be doing A) at work B) with a pair of giant dull scissors C) with the pants still on me. By the end of the night I was seething and there was a big hole in my pants. Which got me thinking on how I got the glue on them.

2) Every now and then Carrie and I will go out for dinner. We ended up at this place that had valet parking. I’m not a big fan of valet parking, I don’t think they’ll steal anything (“Those assholes stole my Wooden Shjips CD…well they do have good taste…maybe they think I’m cool…yeah”. Yes, I am that shallow and insecure), I’m just not used to it. So, we pulled up and I told the guy “Be careful with my key it’s fucked up, it’s broken and crazy glued together.” I wasn’t feeling good about it but I let it go and we had a really nice dinner. The guy brought our car up, I tipped him, we got in and drove away. We had to stop at the store so I parked the car and took the key out and it fell out in pieces. (the metal “key” part had separated from the other end, made of plastic where the remote lock is) Man, I was pissed but I couldn’t really do anything. What was I gonna do, “Yeah, your valet broke my car key… that was already broken…. and glued together….Yeah… I think I’d like my two dollar tip back” So I went to Walgreens and bought a tube of crazy glue and then angrily glued the key back together. You should never angrily glue anything, especially with crazy glue. I got a fair amount of crazy glue on my jeans, which for some reason I thought I could Windex off. I have no idea why I thought this, for some reason I think Windex can do a lot more than it actually can. Which got me thinking about how the key broke in the first place.

3) The Ribeye Brothers had a show booked in New York at a place called Bowery Electric. We hadn’t played there before so it was important for us to get there on time. With traffic it should have taken maybe an hour and a half tops. Traffic was awful and it ended up taking close to two and a half hours. We were late, I was frantic. I dropped off people and gear and went to find parking. It was Friday night, there were no spots and I ended up parking at a garage six blocks away. It was 8pm, we were supposed to go on at 8:15. I was in full panic mode when I pulled into the garage. My car key had a slight crack in it. which I caused when I was trying to change the battery in it, another comedy of errors. I didn’t think much of the crack and besides a new key cost close to two hundred dollars, fuck that. I stopped the car and took the key out to show the attendant the crack and ask him to be careful with it. Well, I yanked the key out in such a way that I cracked it some more, a lot more. I gave it to the guy and told him that it was really fragile and kind of fucked. This guy was busy as hell and he couldn’t give less of a shit as to what I was saying, I can’t say I blame him. I was thinking about it the entire night, we didn’t have a good show, all I was thinking about was the key. We all went out to dinner after and all I could think about was the goddamned key. The key, the key, the key. To put it mildly I wasn’t good company. I knew this wasn’t going to end well and all I wanted to do was go back and get the car and see how bad the key was. Sure enough when I got back to the garage, there was just the metal key nub in the ignition. We got home at about 3am, and I stayed up put the key back together. Crazed, like I was Dr. Frankenstein building his monster and crazy glued the hell out of the key, thinking that would solve it.

I was wrong.

Pants after I cut out the crazy glue fabric

Frankenkey after 3rd procedure

 

    • ribeyejon
    • February 20th, 2012

    well done sir. you had me on the very verge of chuckling.

  1. Demin therapy can fix that hole, so it will be like it never was there. It’s on 8th Ave between 37 and 38.

    And I’m sorry about your key, but your story made me laugh.

    • imelda marcos
    • February 20th, 2012

    Tim, that was one of your best. I totally needed that laugh.

    • spank
    • February 21st, 2012

    Working with scissors near your crotch while still wearing the pants ?? If I saw you doing that, I’d say “Tim, give me the scissors … that’s a good boy, now here’s a nice, shiny object. Go sit in the corner and stare at it for awhile”.

    (I was actually gonna post something like “It’s OK if you are working with scissors near your crotch, because there’s “little” chance you’ll accidently cut something”, but I didn’t want to be too accurate … err, I mean, too cruel.

    • sebadoh jr.
    • February 21st, 2012

    You can get blank Honda fob for about $20 (or about the cost of a half of pair of jeans) on ebay.

    • fishbreath
    • February 23rd, 2012

    great entry, mr. I love the chapter order-it’s like you were talking to us.

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