I Hate Me, part 106,227

Since I’ve been on this diet I’ve been cooking a lot of my own food. Usually on a day off I’ll cook a bunch of dinners and freeze them. This of course brings the dog around. Lucy is normally just running around the house on her own like some fur covered Anna Wintour, tearing apart any clothing that she could reach. Today she was on a shoe kick, “grrrr..you call these boots!….GRRRR!…cardboard boxes have more style for your fat stupid feet….grrrrrr!……..IDIOTSgrrrrrrr!” I was cooking some chicken and when she got a whiff of it, she immediately was in the kitchen, staring at me with unblinking eyes. I usually keep some dog treats nearby for when this happens and I threw her a dog biscuit. She looked at it and then back to me, “Aarrfaarrfarff…what the fuck is this?! Some dry fucking cracker bullshit!!? arfarfarffuckthat! “ So being a mental defective, I start talking to her like she’s a little person in fur who can reason and isn’t a dick. “I eat this, it’s good,mmmmm” and I mimed eating a dog biscuit (yes, I have eaten dog biscuits on drunken dares when I was young). She’s just staring, “arfarfarfarf! what am I a jerk?!…Am I blind?!….You didn’t eat that shit…..arfarfarfarf!!!” So I Took another biscuit and put it in the pan I was cooking the chicken in (I had taken the chicken out) and heated it up in some chicken grease and then gave it to her*, “arfarfarfarf…this isn’t that same goddamned biscuit is it?!….mmmm…it kind of smells like people food…..alright….ARFARFARF!…you asshole, you tricked me…arfarfarfarfarfarf….arfarfarfarf!” I gave in and cut her a piece of my chicken. Placated, she went back to critiquing my boots.

*(I would also like to take this opportunity to say, yes I know she’s a dog and yes I know it’s bad for her behavior to kow-tow to her, and I’m a shitty weak willed dog owner. I know this)

a fur covered Anna Wintour

    • galbacco
    • February 10th, 2012

    Little Shitter Lucy Barkus looks evil, like a hound of hell…

    • spank
    • February 10th, 2012

    Hey, it’s OK to talk to your dog like it’s a real person, I do it all the time … but if your doggie starts talking back to you & you seem to understand what she’s saying, then do me a favor … tell me so I can run as far away from you as I can … got that, Mr. Berkowitz ??

    • chris
    • February 10th, 2012

    i’ve never known a dog that isn’t a master manipulator!
    they play us like the fools we are.

    • Nana Mouskouri
    • February 16th, 2012

    I think your dog bears a slight resemblance to June Lockhart.

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