I Hate Me, Part 276,030

It was late morning, I had to run to Foodtown and I had to make it quick. I needed to pick up a salad for my lunch, a twelve pack of diet root-beer, paper towels and some other bullshit that I now forget. I then had to drop the good car off with Carrie and get to work. I was running a little late and I was feeling a little rushed, a less charitable person might describe it as panicky. Anyhow, I got into the store grabbed a cart and headed towards the salad. As I got there this woman talking on her blue-tooth had her cart blocking the aisle, I tried to go around and was met with her screaming banshee child running around holding a big container of apple cider over his head, like he was a pint sized terrorist using it as a potential weapon. I went around the other side and got my salad. A few feet away the main aisle gets pretty skinny due to an overzealous water display. I found that it was blocked again by the the cart of blue-tooth woman, I didn’t see banshee child but I heard him. She was oblivious to my miming of “Is this your cart? Hmmm”, so I moved it myself. I got what I needed in the meat aisle and headed towards frozen foods. I had an open field and I was making up time. I turned the corner and “FUUCCKKK!” her goddamned cart was blocking another aisle, this goddamned thing was like the Flying Dutchman. This time I just rammed it with my cart. This time the woman saw me and glared, I just gave a shrug and a “I dunno” face. I got the rest of my stuff and headed to the check out, I was headed for the “around 25” items lane and out of nowhere blue tooth woman and banshee child cut in front. They probably didn’t cut me off, I just interpreted it that way. So i went to the 10 item lane, knowing full well that I had more that 10 items. This isn’t usually a big deal but one of my more assholish “quirks” is being a “too many items in the 10 items or less lane” nazi. I can’t help it, if I’m on one of those lines, I’ll silently count the items of the customers in front of me and get angry if they are over. So me, Sgt. Check-out is over, way over. The cashier didn’t give a shit but here I am apologizing and explaining, “Well, I’m sorry…I know there are five yogurts… but if you count them as one item…. five times…well…. then I’m close to the suggested ten items…right.” The cashier just looked at me in bland astonishment and said “it’s fine… it doesn’t matter”. I realized I overplayed my apology card and then apologized for apologizing. I finally paid and left, a little more dead then before I went in.

    • Chris Burns
    • January 30th, 2012

    Stop & Shop employs a similar tatctic for my benefit alone: overhead cameras zoom in on a shopping list, then a legion of the elderly, befuddled and lethargic are dispatched throughout the store to stand with their carts directly in front of each item I’m trying to buy. The logic is that I will buy many more unwanted items just to kill time in the aisle while waiting for these loads to shuffle off. The results are presented in a Powerpoint at the weekly Customer Denigration meeting, then dispersed to social media sites.

    • spank
    • January 30th, 2012

    I move peoples carts all the time … these people act like they are the only ones shopping, totally inconsiderate and oblivious to their surroundings. “Hey, I’ll just leave my cart right here in the middle of the aisle while I take a stroll looking for whatever” … and when I do move the cart, I get the nasty look, but not for long, cause I got that “Look at me sideways and I’ll fuck you up big time” look about me.

    Also, my Foodtown also has this big ass Poland Spring water mountian of a display with all kinds of Super Bowl stuff decorating it … yeah, right, when it comes to the Super Bowl the first thing I always think of drinking is frickin’ water.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s