Notes from Das Boot 148

1/13/12 Brooklyn
We are playing The Music Hall of Williamsburg tonight part of our whirlwind two day, two show U.S. tour. Last night when we were loading the truck at the studio I walked passed a candy machine a few times hearing its siren call. Now, I’ve been on a diet and I really shouldn’t be eating candy but sometimes I do. This particular machine had tiny packs of Swedish Fish. Many of you may recall from my spread in Modern Lighting Guy Quarterly that one of my turn-ons is Swedish Fish. So I went and put a dollar in the machine, the corkscrew like mechanism turned slowly and…….nothing. It didn’t fall to the bottom it was stuck. I know this is shitty, bad comedy 101 territory but it happened and I was pissed. I shook the machine, nothing. The Swedish Fish were there mocking me, so I took another dollar out and….pow! Not only did I get the initial bag but I got the second bag as well, huzzah. Two bags of Swedish Fish, an embarrassment of candy riches. I opened the first bag and good Christ, they were so goddamned stale, it was as if somebody had fashioned Swedish Fish out of stone, painted them red and put them in a bag. I was probably being filmed for some prank show, aauughh! I managed to choke down four or five before I realized they were all stale and I didn’t even try the second bag

    • Jan Lipert
    • January 13th, 2012

    Hope you didn’t break any teeth on ’em!

    • John McBain
    • January 13th, 2012

    Swedish FIsh really do exist. But they are nothing like the version that you love.
    The real ones are hung on a branch until they rot, and then rolled in rock salt and stored in an old clog for six months. Bon Appetit.
    During your world travels, have you ever tried Latvian Now & Laters?
    What about the Russian candy, Comrade Fudge?
    Or Balkan Brittle?

    • Twisty
    • January 15th, 2012

    Actually, in Russia you can get “Red October” chocolates:

    • spank
    • January 16th, 2012

    Oh man, I thought this story was gonna turn out so much better … like when you said you “shook the machine”. I was hoping that it fell over on you, you were trapped under it, and started screaming things like “Jane, get this crazy thing off of me” and such and nobody helped you. You were stuck under it for days, having managed to survive on nothing but Swedish Fish … but, noooooooo, instead we get “Oh, woe is me, my fishes is stale”.

    • imelda marcos
    • January 18th, 2012

    I thought you were gonna say artisan chocolates with little moustaches came out of the machine.

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