Archive for December 16th, 2011

I Hate Me, Part 209,917

Well, i didn’t think I’d have any time to write but this pretty much just happened. Since we got back from tour I’ve been running around like crazy. End of tour accounting, merch from when I was away, going back to work, my band had a show and most importantly spending time with Carrie. This morning was a bit crazy, Carrie wasn’t feeling good and was going into work late. I had to run to the bank and the post office, do merch and go to work. I had a pile of merch to mail out in the dining room. Now for all the shit I write about the dog, she’s pretty well housebroken, but accidents do happen. I stepped in one of those accidents in the dining room. It was dark, the floor was brown, the shit was brown. I didn’t see it. Fuuuck! I took off my shoe to see the damage. As I was maneuvering to get my one shoe off I stepped in it with the other shoe. Fuuuccck!FUUUCCKKK! As I moved to get out of the shit with my other foot, I stepped in it in my sock. NOOOO! YOU FUCKIN LITTLE SHITTTT! FUCKKKK! I jumped back and the insole of the first shoe (I’m gellin’ like Stellan…….Skarsgard (If he signs as a spokesperson, i want a cut)) fell into the shit.FUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUCCKKKNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! This took less than thirty seconds. the final damage: 2 shoes with shit on them, 1 sock (and the foot under it) with shit on it, and a ruined insole. I really wanted to start drinking but it was 8:30 in the morning.

REPRINT: American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

[Yeah i know another goddamn reprint, but I’m completely under the gun. New stuff by monday. sorry]

American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

While going thru some of my parents’ old things, I came across a cold war era Christmas pamphlet that was distributed by the Bayonne Decency League (the BDL) entitled The American Santa Claus. Here’s an excerpt comparing the American Santa with the Russian Santa:

* The American Santa delivers toys and candy.
* The Russian Santa delivers savage beatings.

* The American Santa wears a red suit the same color as the proud red stripes of the American flag.
* The Russian Santa wears a suit stained red with the blood of innocents.

* The American Santa has friendly, patriotic reindeer pulling his sled thru the night sky.
* The Russian Santa has bloodthirsty flying wolves pulling a dilapidated prison wagon around.

* The American Santa puts toys and treats into stockings hung with care.
* The Russian Santa slops sour borscht into hollowed out peasant feet that are crudely nailed to a wall.

* The American Santa eats milk and cookies left out for him by boys and girls.
* The Russian Santa feasts on childrens dreams and drinks their frightened tears.