I Hate Me, part 217,002

Today’s blog was gonna be about the plastic wrapping from Charmin toilet paper. I tore it off of a package of it we got at work. It says on big letters on it “For a Clean You Can Feel” or something along those lines. My angle was going to be that most toilet paper should give you a “clean you can feel”, blah,blah,blah. Yeah, it was a thin premise at best. Now, when my wife walks the tiny terror she never (or almost never) brings a bag or something to clean up with and I’m always giving her grief about it, I usually come off like a self-righteous asshole (“it’s a sign of the collapse of society!”, “we’re bad neighbors”, etc). So this morning, I was walking the dog and I realized I didn’t bring a bag with me. I was hoping that Lucy would hold off until we got back to our yard, where I could clean it up later. “I will cook you a steak, if you don’t shit until we get home”, “I will let you destroy my favorite pen, chew up all of Carrie’s flip-flops, just hold off. ”We got close to home, I could see my house. She looked at me with the dog equivalent of “Hey, fuck you” and went on my neighbors driveway. All I had in my pockets were a bunch of old ATM receipts and the plastic wrapping from the Charmin package. It actually worked out ok, all things considered.

planning destruction

    • Jason Silverio
    • August 17th, 2011

    Clean you felt first hand.

    • klutch
    • August 17th, 2011

    I will start nagging Carrie consistently about the bags thing. It is just plain inconsiderate not to pick your dog’s shit up and dispose of it properly. Megan is also notorious for that, it must be in the fucking genes. One year all her friends gave her for Christmas were rolls of poop bags — she still doesn’t get it. It infuriates me.

    • Scott Bakula
    • August 17th, 2011

    This is why I maintain that dogs should be eaten, not kept.

    • Pete Carey
    • August 17th, 2011

    We were walking our dog Jack up the road to our neighborhood fair the other night. Of course he shite on the way. I cleaned it up with plastic bags and then paid my son $3 to carry it for the rest of the walk until we reached a garbage can. The best $3 I’ve spent in my life. Cleaning up the shite is repulsive enough, carrying it for a prolonged period of time is adding insult to injury.

    • Chris Burns
    • August 17th, 2011

    Let’s get back to the whole toilet paper thing…it’s “bathroom tissue,” just in case you thought that “Charmin,” “White Cloud,” “Angel Soft,” “Cottonelle,” or “Quilted Northern” was created for all you slobs to wipe your asses. That’s whay they make “Scott’s.” And plungers.

  1. Lucy is a lady who requires personal minions to attend to her every need. Do you really think she enjoys performing such intimate functions in front of a human? Mercy.

    • Jacques Von Lunen
    • August 18th, 2011

    Hey Tim, thanks for starting my day with a hearty laugh. Miss you. Jacques

    • galbacco
    • August 18th, 2011

    Class, just made my day thanks…

    • fishbreath
    • August 22nd, 2011

    aye, you’re a marine now!

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