I Hate Me, Part 295,054

I thought I was in for the night and my wife came into the living room, “You forgot to get the puppy’s training pads.” I muttered a curse against little shitpaw and headed out to Foodtown, they were closing in ten minutes. I grabbed a pack of the training pads and headed to the counter, the only one open. There was an old couple ahead of me with enough food for them, their children and their grandchildren. They had questions on the prices of most of their groceries and they had strict bagging instructions. The old guy was wearing a Yankees cap which made me dislike him even more and I started staring at his head trying to bore a hole through it with my glare (FUCKIN’ FUCK, WOULD YOU HURRY THE FUCK UP, AAAURRGH!). I was so caught up in my anger daydream that didn’t hear when another cashier came up, he was trying to get my attention:
Cashier- Sir..I can ring you up at the courtesy counter…sir…SIR
Me-…oh…uh…uh…cool…thanks…uh…I just spaced out…for a minute
Cashier-(quick dismissive look)…sure
Me-(I’m not stoned!)…yeah…I just…uh……….uh……………uh…..
Cashier-That’ll be $11.42
Me-They’re on sale…Wait…I gotacard…a savings card
I then fumbled through my wallet and spilled the entire contents, there wasn’t much in there but it helped build the case that I was either A) a moron or B) a stoned moron.
Cashier-(smirking) you alright there…sir?
Cashier-That’ll be $9.42….outta ten…
I took my change and slunk out, the old couple were still being rung up.

    • Pat R
    • March 23rd, 2011

    You could make a book of short stories about your Foodtown adventures—they continue to amaze!

    • galbacco
    • March 24th, 2011

    Yeah, we have a new hero for the 21st Century. Forget about the adventures of Tintin, we now can enjoy stories such as Timtim and Shitpaw in The Mystery of Foodtown. Timtim and The Secret of The Shittin’ Vacuum or maybe, Timtim and Barkus in Destination Home Depot…

    • joella
    • March 24th, 2011

    I love your foodtown stories!! BTW are puppy training pads like doggy nappies?

    • feedtim
    • March 24th, 2011

    1)puppy training pads are these big absorbent squares that are put on the floor and the pup is supposed to start house training on it
    2)I would like to see illustrated versions of my exciting adventures

    • kelly
    • March 25th, 2011

    after each reading of your queuing adventures, i become closer to the full-fledged ‘Contra-Tim’. i make an extra effort to exhibit good humor and zen-like patience while shopping. recently, a sudden 3-person rush in a store prompted the lady behind me in-line to start freaking out, loudly asking “why would they only have one checkout open!?!”, to which i offered: “so we can all get better acquainted!” YOU are responsible for that, Tim.

    and dont forget those poor cashiers who have to deal with disagreeable people all day – i give them a smile and always say ‘thank you’.

    wonder which one of us they most dread to see coming, ha.

    • feedtim
    • March 25th, 2011

    Most of my reactions are internal, so while I might think “why would you only have one cash register open!” I never say it. In the blog the things in brackets are internalized thoughts. I’m polite to a fault, I always say please and thank you to the cashiers. Civility is extremely important to me.

      • kelly
      • March 25th, 2011

      i would never accuse you of being rude – even with my minimal acquaintance (through merch transactions, mainly), i’m sure you’re a stand-up guy.

      as perplexing as it is, i’ve been learning that MOST people seem to choose extreme agitation as a reaction to WAITING for anything. someone in a restaurant waiting 15-minutes for food starts steaming from the ears and glaring with poison-laser-knives and emitting exasperated sputters…. meanwhile, there are people all over the world who wait DAYS for food.

      if i cant understand this, perhaps i could at least take some opportunities to defuse the rage.

      mellow out America – adopt a cat.


    • feedtim
    • March 26th, 2011

    you’re not wrong. Waiting is a lost art.

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