I Hate Me, Part 244,109

There’s this armless guy who comes through town usually every Saturday morning. He walks up and down the street asking for money The first time it was a little after nine and I didn’t have any coffee in me yet. I was going to get some coffee and I saw a friend of mine and we started talking. Out of nowhere this guy appeared right next to us. Chunky and middle aged, with a two day growth of beard. He looked like an extra from any gritty big city 1960‘s crime drama.
Guy-Hey…gotta light?
Me-..No..sorry…I don’t… (Why are his arms folded underneath his jacket?…his arms aren’t folded….HOLY SHIT! HE HAS NO ARMS!).uh..uhh..I don’t smoke
Guy-That’s ok…how about a couple of bucks…yeah just put ‘em in my top pocket…yeah push ‘em in deep I don’t wannem jumpin’ out and commitin’ suicide hahahahaha
Me-…uh yeah…here
Guy- Thanks…you earned a joke…A cop finds a penguin on the street and sees a polack and he says “Hey, take this penguin to the zoo.” and the polack says ok. The next day the cop sees the polack with the penguin and he says “I told you to bring the penguin to the zoo” and the polack says I did we had a good time, today we goin’ to the movies…hahaha…you guys ain’t polish are ya?
Well that was odd but I helped an armless guy, hooray for me. The next Saturday morning I went to get coffee and there he was again. This time he asked me what time it was. Pretty clever, the unspoken part was of course “Do you know what time it is?(BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING ARMS TO PUT A WATCH ON…AAAURGH!!GIVE ME MONEY!!)” Of course I gave him money and he said pretty much the exact same thing “….put the money in my top pocket…..don’t wannem committin’ suicide” and the same penguin joke. I don’t mind giving money to the less fortunate and I’m sure that losing your arms is a really shitty thing, far shittier than anything I’ve yet to go through but, and I’m probably gonna sound like a douche bag here, I didn’t really like his aggressiveness.  I want my panhandlers polite and well dressed, who will stay in the shadows and not bother me. The kind of panhandler that I hope to be when I eventually lose my job and we’re living under a bridge like trolls. Anyhow, that following monday I was at 7-11 and I didn’t have any money so I used my bank card and I was leaving I saw the armless guy outside but he had prosthetic arms, I would call them hooks. I think of prosthetic arms as super strong robot hands, like the Terminator, so I have no idea as to the correct word for them.
Guy- Hey gotta couple a bucks?
Me-uh…no…I don’t have any money…sorry…..I hadda use my bank card…cause… I didn’t have any cash…on me…sorry…I got some change…
Guy-….(glare)…Forget it.
So Saturday mornings are now spent trying to avoid him while I get my coffee.

    • chris
    • March 18th, 2011

    welcome to america, where beggars CAN be choosers.

    he should drop the comedy routine and show the magic of putting on fake arms with no arms. i’d buy THAT for a dollar!


    • feedtim
    • March 18th, 2011

    I wasn’t making fun of the guy, more my uncomfortableness in the situation

    • Goongod
    • March 18th, 2011

    That guy’s a long time fixture in the Keansburg. A real creep. He would often show up at keggers full of much younger people working his angle. The creepy part was when he would get a smoke he would ask some girl get a lighter out of his front pants pockets. He is a creep, no doubt but don’t worry he’s armless.

    • Chris Burns
    • March 19th, 2011

    ‘Round here we like our bums with a crushed top hat, facial stubble, cigar butt, and polka-dot bindle.

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