I Hate Me, Part 100, 332

I don’t intent for this to always be about the dog. However, speaking of the dog, lately I have thought of the dog as a kind of crazy interior decorator (or should I say In-terrier decorator…….. Hello?? Is This thing on?).
Example: the dog tears up the kitchen floor “Look at Me! I’m tearing up the floor, you assholes! …You need a new Floor, NOW! …woof”. She then started eating paint off the wall, “Hey assholes! Look at me …I’m eatin’ paint off the goddamned wall! What kind of shitty paint job did you do that a tiny dog like me can eat it!… REPAINT IT! and DO….IT…RIGHT!… woof” She then started tearing up the carpet, “Look how goddamned easy I can eat this carpet!…What did you spend on it?!… It’s shit! …In fact I’m shitting on it!… woof” She’s also a movie critic, “Yes, I’m chewing up your DVD of Parallax View! …It’s awful! …It makes no sense and Warren Beatty looks like an idiot! …woof”. Who knew she was so passionate.

    • Matt
    • March 14th, 2011

    Maybe you should stop using bacon based products around the house.

    • El Baconator
    • March 14th, 2011

    Or, just feed the dog a few strips of actual bacon every day, showing her how delicious non-textile food can be.

    Some people may note that bacon isn’t the healthiest thing for a small puppy. But bacon is only 15% worse for a dog than linoleum flooring.

    • Art Buchwald
    • March 14th, 2011

    Wait’ll she gets ahold of Ishtar

  1. dont apologize for talking about your dog, its actually a breath of fresh air compared to all the people who recently had newborns and just keep talking about about them. my baby is so advanced! my baby is so smart! life’s a miracle! yeah, you and 9 million other people who gave birth. hearing about your dog reminds me of why i dont need one in my life. i love pets and children from a distance.

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