I Hate Me, Part 216,882

Floor Eater

The dog is eating our kitchen floor. We have an oldish vinyl tile floor with a couple of cracks in it and the wee beast started tearing it up where the cracks are and eating it. This gives her diarrhea. We covered the bare patches (under the table at this point) with heavy duty cloth gaff tape I had left over from tour. She developed a taste for gaff tape, this also gives her diarrhea. We ended up putting an old metal milk crate over the patches. This has worked so far, although she is chewing on the metal. So we need a new floor. We went to Home Depot to get prices on kitchen floors. We were going for the cheapest. The cheapest appears to be some sort of textured Saran Wrap, something so thin that if you glared at it intently there’s a good chance you’d put a hole in it. So the cheapest was out, this meant a mind numbing array of different types/styles/textures of flooring. A very patient older guy who worked there was explaining the pros and cons of each type/style/texture of flooring. Carrie had a bunch of questions, I had none. As we’re being given the oral history of vinyl flooring, the wife of a guy I work with walked by and said hi. I had forgotten her name. Now I am notoriously awful with names and my wife and I have developed a way to find out without embarrassment: I talk to whoever it is whose name I’ve forgotten and don’t introduce Carrie, Carrie cuts in and says “I’m sorry, I’m Tim’s wife Carrie” which prompts the other person to say their name, Simple and foolproof. As I’m talking to this woman and waiting for Carrie to jump in and save me, I hear “Veneer flooring, what’s that?” and she’s off looking at veneer flooring, leaving me to twist in the wind. I stammered and mimed that I had to follow the wife, the woman (who’s name I still can’t remember) gave me a wan smile and was gone. I found the veneer flooring section where Carrie was looking at tiny floor samples. Trying to liven things up I said “Can we just take a bunch of the samples and do the the floor with them? We’d probably need a couple of thousand.” I guess he’d heard this before, he looked at me levelly “No, you can’t do that.” I looked over to Carrie for a moral supportive laugh or chuckle or even an eye roll but she was more interested in rubberized flooring by Allure. It was decreed many years ago that I am an anti-handy man, if the kitchen was a perfect square and I had ten to fifteen years to put the floor in maybe I could do it, maybe. So we tried to set up an appointment for an estimate but something was wrong with the computer, they guy tried and tried….and tried. We tried to leave a couple of times, “Can we just call tomorrow and set it up?”, “No…no..I got it…dammit…it says contact Special Appraisal…but I’M SPECIAL APPRAISAL.” Eventually he gave up and we have to call tomorrow. We got home and gave the dog a new toy, a sock monkey, which she destroyed in her fastest time yet, thirty five seconds.

    • klutch
    • March 8th, 2011

    But Home Depot has been added to the ever-lengthening list of retailers we must not frequent because their CEO is a Republican asshole

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