A message from the Department of Salmon
“The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they’re in freshwater, but the Commerce Department handles them when they’re in saltwater, and I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked.” From President Obama’s State of the Union Address, 1/26/11
We at the Department of Salmon (a branch of the Commerce Department) know that the President’s amusing jibe at us was all in good fun. However, we do take our responsibilities very seriously and would like to clear up a couple of misconceptions concerning our job and our mission.
*We monitor salmon for your own good: Five years ago a group of Salmon went on a minor crime spree in the Portland Oregon area. Infractions that included vandalism at stores that sold smoked salmon and check forgery were traced back to this group. Unfortunately they were never apprehended,. Which prompted us to “finger print” (actually a process that gets a print of the salmon’s right front fin) all the salmon in the pacific northwest. It’s an expensive process but we feel it’s necessary for your safety.
*Salmon counseling gets results: We know that salmon is an integral part of the pacific northwest’s economy. Tests have shown that salmon possess a very fragile psyche. That’s why we employ dedicated salmon counselors or “Salmon whisperers” to help the salmon who don’t want to go upstream. It’s hard to track actual results but we have a good feeling about it.
*Salmon like colorful hats: Along with salmon counseling we instituted a pilot program in which we put tiny festive hats on the salmon just to brighten their day and maybe swim a little bit harder. The salmon seem to enjoy these tiny hats. Don’t worry about them falling off of their tiny fish heads, through a series of straps and clamps these colorful waterproof hats will be on them for years making their lives (and yours) a little bit brighter.
Thank you for your time.