I Hate Me, Part 239,009

It was Sunday morning. I was lying around in bed with my wife, acting like we had a day off together. A few deluded minutes where you plan out an imaginary day before real life intrudes. I let the delusion last a little too long and was late for work and had to get dressed pretty fast. I have a collection of gray t-shirts ranging from “almost presentable” to “refused by a homeless person”. As I was leaving I saw that I was wearing one of the crummier gray shirts and I had to go back and change. I changed but forgot to re-comb my hair, yelled goodbye to my wife who was with the dog (now nicknamed “pack-a-day” because of her coughing) and headed out to my car. As I was backing out, I caught a good look at my hair in the rearview and I looked like a crazy person. I tried patting/pushing it into place but no go, It was too shitty to go to work looking the way it did. I had to go back in the house and comb it. Of course I was furious and late and furious. I got out of the car to go back in the house and the car door hit me. Why is the car door hitting me? Why is the car rolling backwards? We don’t live on a hill. YOU FUCKING IDIOT, THE CAR IS STILL IN REVERSE! I jumped back in the car and threw it in park. I’ve read where people are killed in this way but it was so slow, if anything I would have died of embarrassment. In case any of the neighbors were looking, I got out of the car (now in park) and did the international sign of blowing your own head off. I then went in and combed my hair.

    • Jan Lipert
    • January 17th, 2011

    Tim, I love your “I Hate Me” series – I identify with so many of them!!

    • Chris Burns
    • January 18th, 2011

    All this recent fussing about appearance. You’re becoming quite the dandy. Please visit http://www.warbyparker.com/colonel-monocle-frame-tortoise

    • Kate Grady
    • January 18th, 2011

    never stop blogging – your mishaps = my delight

    • Klutch
    • January 20th, 2011

    Pack-A-Day. Omigawd.

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