Archive for September, 2010

I Hate Me, Part 276,117 (two for one)

[NOTE: there are two (count ’em) two parts to IHM today, they have nothing to do with each other I just thought they were kind of thin on their own. The first one is kind of short and the second one is essentially me whining. enjoy]

Slow Race: I was going to the Staples in Red Bank, there was about seven empty parking spots by the store. There was an old guy in front of me and he pulled over to park. I was going to pull in and park in front of him. But the old guy didn’t park, he had pulled over but he continued to drive, extremely slow through the parking spots. So I couldn’t pull over. I slowed down to a crawl and was neck and neck with the old guy who kept driving and wouldn’t stop and park his goddamn car (some kind of ancient Oldsmobuick). I couldn’t stop as there were a few cars, now full of irate drivers behind me. I couldn’t speed up and cut the old man off as he might plow into me with his car. The parking spots were quickly running out. So I was having this slow race with old man river and I gave him the “what the fuck” look. Of course he was single minded and oblivious, he pulled up to the last spot and stopped. I drove around the block and found another spot. the whole thing took about two minutes, but it felt like an hour.

My problem With Oranges: I was on an orange kick these last few weeks.  A good orange is one of my favorite foods. the downside to oranges is that it’s sometimes hard to tell when one is bad. Rotten apples, bad bananas, they’re easy to tell. Which leads me to a few days ago when I bought a bag of oranges.  They seemed fine; a good orangey hue, round, firmish, the navel was sufficiently creepy looking.  So I took one to work for lunch, it was awful. First i couldn’t peel it, I had to use my pocket knife to start it and I stabbed my thumb.  Blood everywhere (insert “blood orange” joke here). I finally got it open and “bleeaagh” it had no flavor.  Which reminds me of a dream I had a while ago, I was fighting Tweety Bird over an orange.  I’m not sure if Tweety and the orange were giant or I was tiny.  I just remember it as an odd dream.

Hey

The always great Spine Out blog (located in the blog roll) has had a lapse in judgement and posted a bunch of “hand crafted” postcards that I made and sent to a friend. They were made while at work from old album covers.  Check it out if your interested in such things, you should be checking Spine Out regularly because it’s pretty great, my postcards notwithstanding.

a bit of a reach (Mets post)

With the Mets new hope for the future Dillon Gee pitching well against world beaters The Washington Nationals, I have a promotional idea. Have a rock band who likes baseball (I’m looking at you Yo La Tengo) record PJ Harvey’s song “Yuri G” but change it to be about Dillon Gee. I am well aware that this post will appeal to neither Mets fans (and baseball fans in general), music fans ( Yo La Tengo and PJ Harvey fans specifically), nor Russian cosmonaut aficionado’s (who make up the bulk of my readers). good night.

Dillon G

Yuri G

I Hate Me, Part 274,990

I was running around on my day off and was looking to get some lunch. Every now and again I like to get chicken at Popeye’s. My friend Phil had just turned me onto putting hot sauce on fried chicken, which was akin to a religious revelation, so I was pretty psyched to try it out on Popeye’s chicken. So I went to the drive-thru, I pulled thru to the back where, there was only one car in front of me. It was about ten feet from the squawk-box and the woman in the car was having a yelling match with the confused disembodied voice from the box.
Woman-No! I want two orders of dirty rice and no mashed potatoes
Squawk Box-..shzzzz.zzzz(static)zzssh..was that two MORE orders of dirty rice?
Woman- No!…two and three more wings
Squawk Box–shzz…zzsh three wings?
Woman-Yes! and three more wings.
Squawk Box- zzsss…three more wings?…so that’s six wings
Woman-That’s what I said…and another rice…and two large teas…and another rice
Squawk Box-…zzzssxxzz…ok….seven wings…..four rices….and three large teas

Woman- …an three more wings
Squawk Box…zzszzssshzz…and three more wings…..does this complete your order?

Woman-Yes.
The woman drove around and it was my turn to order, I waited….and I waited. I finally placed my order and as I was placing my order, I heard the woman in the car complaining through the speaker “No! No!. I did not order this!” I pulled around to pick up my order and the woman was still at the food pick up window and I saw a spindly child’s arm reach out through the back window of the car and grab a giant ice-tea from the pick up window. the child and his arm were overmatched by the giant drink and “SPLAT!” spilled drink
Woman-You’re gonna have to get me a new drink now!
Guy at Window- Of course ma’am just pull up and we’ll run it out to you.
Woman-I ain’t movin’ ‘til I got my drink!
I eventually got my food which was great, but I think It would have been a lot quicker if I had built a goddamn Popeye’s myself and cooked my own chicken.

Sunday Music 9/5/10

12 Contact High

There had been call (not much but some, ok one) to post something on weekends. So I’ll post a song, see if that works. Of course I’ll be style biting on the superior Devil Dick blog, but here it is. Contact High by Ike & Tina Turner is from (I think) the B-side from a 1970 single ( the A-side is “I Want to Take You Higher”). enjoy

[I think you have to open it in I-tunes, if it’s fucked let me know]

From My Collection

Found another polka album on the amazing Stella label, Accordion Polkas by Bernie Witkowski. Note the back cover, it looks like a refrigerator covered with one of those magnet poetry games.
The caption for the photo is:
“The Honorable Congressman Roman C. Pucinski (Democrat-11th District) of Illinois (center) is shown presenting an American flag that flew over the capitol in Washington to recently enshrined Polka Music Hall of Famer, Bernie Witkowski of New Jersey. This flag was donated as a patriotic gift on behalf of New Jersey’s pride and joy, the Honorable Congressman Henry Helstoki- the Democratic Congressman from the Garden State NJ.   Standing near microphone (on left) is the energetic President of the IPA, Leon Kozicki, who presented a plaque and diamond studded lapel pin to the “King of Polka Kings” BERNIE WITKOWSKI”

A Message From the Pretzel Council

Hello pretzel lovers and the people who love pretzel lovers. We have just returned from a fact finding mission in Cradle of Pretzel Civilization. That’s right people I’m talking about Germany. In Germany, pretzels are an undeniable fact of life. Humble pretzel sellers ply their delicious wares in rock clubs (figure 1). Street signs remind citizens that pretzels are the king of snacks (figure 2). Pretzel scientists (Wissenschaft Brezel Männer or “science pretzel men”) have developed a new type of pretzel. The intriguing pretzel/donut hybrid (figure 3), which unfortunately has none of the “zazz” of either pretzels or donuts. Keep swingin’ for the (pretzel) fences Fritz, American pretzel aficionados are keenly following the exciting (and delicious) pretzel advances of Germany. Pretzels Uber Alles!

Pretzels! Not just for eatin’!

(figure 1)

(figure 2)

(figure 3)