Archive for September 10th, 2010

I Hate Me, Part 276,117 (two for one)

[NOTE: there are two (count ’em) two parts to IHM today, they have nothing to do with each other I just thought they were kind of thin on their own. The first one is kind of short and the second one is essentially me whining. enjoy]

Slow Race: I was going to the Staples in Red Bank, there was about seven empty parking spots by the store. There was an old guy in front of me and he pulled over to park. I was going to pull in and park in front of him. But the old guy didn’t park, he had pulled over but he continued to drive, extremely slow through the parking spots. So I couldn’t pull over. I slowed down to a crawl and was neck and neck with the old guy who kept driving and wouldn’t stop and park his goddamn car (some kind of ancient Oldsmobuick). I couldn’t stop as there were a few cars, now full of irate drivers behind me. I couldn’t speed up and cut the old man off as he might plow into me with his car. The parking spots were quickly running out. So I was having this slow race with old man river and I gave him the “what the fuck” look. Of course he was single minded and oblivious, he pulled up to the last spot and stopped. I drove around the block and found another spot. the whole thing took about two minutes, but it felt like an hour.

My problem With Oranges: I was on an orange kick these last few weeks.  A good orange is one of my favorite foods. the downside to oranges is that it’s sometimes hard to tell when one is bad. Rotten apples, bad bananas, they’re easy to tell. Which leads me to a few days ago when I bought a bag of oranges.  They seemed fine; a good orangey hue, round, firmish, the navel was sufficiently creepy looking.  So I took one to work for lunch, it was awful. First i couldn’t peel it, I had to use my pocket knife to start it and I stabbed my thumb.  Blood everywhere (insert “blood orange” joke here). I finally got it open and “bleeaagh” it had no flavor.  Which reminds me of a dream I had a while ago, I was fighting Tweety Bird over an orange.  I’m not sure if Tweety and the orange were giant or I was tiny.  I just remember it as an odd dream.