Archive for August, 2010

Witchfinder General

[Matthew Hopkins a 17th century english lawyer was appointed Witchfinder General by parliment during the English civil war to root out sorcery.]

Hopkins: Alright now, right over there. The woman behind the bale of hay…she’s a witch.

Mayor of Town: Really? Ok…so now what? Are you going to burn her?… or torture her?

Hopkins: Woah…woah…Slow down buddy, I’m the Witch FINDER General, I just find ‘em. We have to wait for the Witchburner General….yeah….mmmm….I think he’s on vacation this week… we may have to find the Witchstabber General…mmm…He should be on call today….Where’s my assistant? WHERE’S MY ASSISTANT!?

Assistant: (running, out of breath)…Sorry, I was filing…

Hopkins: Where’s Witchstabber General? He’s on call today and we have a witch here that needs dealing with.

Assistant: Didn’t you get the memo? Witchstabber General tore his rotator cuff from all the witch stabbing last week…he’s out for months….Let me see…mmmmmm…we have…  Witchkicker General...and Witchinsulter General…..Witchgouger General will be back tomorrow, he’s taking sensitivity classes.

Hopkins: Thank Christ, Witchgouger General got a little carried away sometimes ya know…Jesus, you’re not leaving me with much are you…sigh…get me Witchkicker General.

Mayor of Town: Yeah..the..uh…the witch ran away…sorry.

Hopkins:sigh….well…sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.

Assistant: What does that mean?

Hopkins: It means get me a goddamned drink, that’s what it means…….Christ!

Notes From Das Boot 73

(near Frankfurt)
(this is why I don’t write a normal tour diary, overwhelmed by minutiae)

( 8/18/10-8:00am, up early, hot bus = little sleep)
We’re playing the Batschkapp (loosely translated: “a hat for bats”) tonight, it has been referred to as a “legendary club”. When I hear that phrase a red flag goes up, “legendary clubs” usually have rotten load-in’s and getting anything done is a work out. I call it CBGB’s disease. Yeah, I know it was legendary but try being a regular band playing there, impossible to get anything done and the CB’s house crew while being incredibly unhelpful kept reminding you how lucky you were to be playing there. I’m sure it’ll be good here, the majority of German clubs, legendary or not are usually pretty solid.
(4:30 pm)
Well, I was right. Real good crew, good catering and clean bathrooms, a trifecta of non-shittiness….. Phil has been looking for a 4 amp slow burn fuse and amazingly enough the entire city of Frankfurt doesn’t seem to have one, or they’re hoarding them. Either way it’s not good and we just found out (right after I wrote the previous sentence) that his main guitar amp is now fucked (proper fucked?) and nerves are a little frayed…. It’s soundcheck now and I’m in the dressing room next to the stage and our guitar tech stage right has a really good brutal metal voice, he’s called Bruce but his real name is Antonio and no one has any idea why the name change, maybe he’s the singer in an Iron Maiden cover band, maybe not…. Ed’s late for soundcheck, so there’s a lot of waiting around and noodling and coffee drinking….The crew just played a bit of ZZ Top’s “Tush”…Ed’s here and during soundcheck they did a version of “Hallucination Bomb” with Sabbath’s “Snowblind” in it, it sounded pretty cool…… Guy who did poster for tonight’s show is here, they look real good…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(8/19/10-1:00am)
Show was sold out and people were wedged in like sardines…Real good crowd, although the new songs didn’t go over as well as they did in Amsterdam or Budapest… Load out wasn’t too bad even though it’s two sets of stairs…Our dressing room was stocked with a good local beer, Henninger Kaiser Pilsner…My Sleeping Karma opened up tonight and were a nice change of pace a bit like Amon Duul II (not to be confused with Amon Duul I who were awful or Amon Duul III which is a breakfast cereal)…Bus call is at 3am, two hours of the bus filled with people I don’t know…Drank scotch with Danny, I don’t like scotch.

I really like the design of this german street light

Notes From Das Boot 72

V-POWER!

(truck stop, Germany)

I saw this Shell energy drink and I wasn’t sure if it was a car additive or a human additive.

pixy stix

Actually, I was sure it was a drink, I just thought it was a little weird and I figured a good angle on it would be the “Car additive/Human additive” thing. Guaranteed high hilarity and a thoughtful discussion on the effects of so called “energy drinks” on society, especially youngsters, what’s wrong with Hi-C or Kool-Aid, or even a frosty glass of Tang. If Tang was good enough for our astronauts, it should be good enough for our kids. Energy drinks, feh. When we were kids and were tired from working ( 2 six hour shifts at the “farm”) my parents would give us a few Pixy Stix and a mason jar of pond water and send us back to work with a gentle kick to the behind. Oh well…time for my meds.

Only the Mets

I’m over here in Europe thousands of miles away from baseball and maybe I’m reading the stories wrong on the inter-web, but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? K-Rod is having season ending surgery for a a hand injury suffered while beating up his father-in-law in the “family room” at Citi-Field. One can only curse and weep and drink.

Notes From Das Boot 71

(figure 1)

(figure 2)

(figure 3)

Linz, Austria

Way back on 8/11 in Avenches, Switzerland at the Rock Oz Arenes festival, I had mentioned that Status Quo headlined. Status Quo also had one of the three porta-johns reserved just for them ( figure 1), as the tour has lumbered on I’ve found other things that have also been reserved just for Status Quo:

Notes From Das Boot 70

Austria, (somewhere)

Played Friday night at the Poolbar Festival in Feldkirch, it’s a month long festival, tonight we headlined with a band called Stator who are from Austria. They made a bad first impression when the drummer strolled into our dressing room unnoticed and completely stunk up our bathroom. Gah! I really wanted to hassle him and call him “shitler” as in “Hey Shitler, stink up somebody else’s bathroom.” I never found the right opportunity, because with a line that good you would want to have an audience to hear it, (months later: “Hey remember when I called that guy Shitler, yeah that was funny. Right?”). Anyhow they turned out to be good guys and they sounded Mogwai-ish, which I don’t find to be a bad thing. Also, on the house crew was “Robin” of the great Austrian shit-rock duo Batman & Robin. Primitive, bordering on retarded story songs about Gotham City’s favorite sons. I picked up their third single that day at a good little record store called Musicladen, that also had a couple of hard to find Reverend Beatman Lp’s. My suitcase is big enough to bring home some 45’s but Lp’s are just too big and stand a good chance of getting ruined.

Notes From Das Boot 69

Graffiti for Austria's favorite porn star, Anal Steg.

The Kraftwerk building, where super robots make the music of Kraftwerk and maintain the animatronic performers. No human has entered the building and come out alive.