Witchfinder General

[Matthew Hopkins a 17th century english lawyer was appointed Witchfinder General by parliment during the English civil war to root out sorcery.]

Hopkins: Alright now, right over there. The woman behind the bale of hay…she’s a witch.

Mayor of Town: Really? Ok…so now what? Are you going to burn her?… or torture her?

Hopkins: Woah…woah…Slow down buddy, I’m the Witch FINDER General, I just find ‘em. We have to wait for the Witchburner General….yeah….mmmm….I think he’s on vacation this week… we may have to find the Witchstabber General…mmm…He should be on call today….Where’s my assistant? WHERE’S MY ASSISTANT!?

Assistant: (running, out of breath)…Sorry, I was filing…

Hopkins: Where’s Witchstabber General? He’s on call today and we have a witch here that needs dealing with.

Assistant: Didn’t you get the memo? Witchstabber General tore his rotator cuff from all the witch stabbing last week…he’s out for months….Let me see…mmmmmm…we have…  Witchkicker General...and Witchinsulter General…..Witchgouger General will be back tomorrow, he’s taking sensitivity classes.

Hopkins: Thank Christ, Witchgouger General got a little carried away sometimes ya know…Jesus, you’re not leaving me with much are you…sigh…get me Witchkicker General.

Mayor of Town: Yeah..the..uh…the witch ran away…sorry.

Hopkins:sigh….well…sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.

Assistant: What does that mean?

Hopkins: It means get me a goddamned drink, that’s what it means…….Christ!

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