Archive for August 4th, 2010

I Hate me, Part 286,882

Lestoil (future version)

I need a bib

A couple of years ago my wife, in an attempt to make me more presentable looking talked me into getting a few polo shirts. Which is fine, the only problem is I’m kind of hard to buy shirts for. I’m heavy and tall so XXL is wide enough but too short, not nightmare inducing belly shirt length but you wouldn’t want to see me get something off of a high shelf. XXXL is way too wide and still not long enough and the few times I’ve worn that size, I look sadly misshapen and possibly belong to the circus. The only size that works for me is XXL-Long and the only place that carries shirts that fit me in a more or less human fashion is LL Bean. The only thing wrong with LL Bean is they usually don’t have the good colors for XXL-Long, it’s colors like “Stinkleberry”, “Electric Toadstone”, “Warm Mirth”, or “Lindesfarne”. So when they do have normal colors for us obese yet gangly freaks, shirts should be ordered and quickly. I ended up with a few polo shirts in regular colors that actually fit. Which brings us to a few weeks ago and somehow (maybe there was a grease storm or maybe it was me eating like a starving animal) there was a giant stain on the front of my shirt. Now as most people who know me can attest to, my t-shirts usually look like I shop at Stain Brothers Clothiers but this was a good shirt. My wife’s answer to the question of shirt stains is Lestoil. To the best of my knowledge Lestoil is a grease cleaner that has been around since the time of the crusades and most of it’s ingredients have been outlawed by the Geneva Convention but my wife has had success with it in her never ending battle against shirt stains. Anyhow, I was doing laundry and had forgotten to Lestoil the shirt and of course the stain didn’t come out and of course I just hung it with the rest of my shirts. I have now put it on thinking it was clean on two different occasions, not realizing what I had done until I got the “what the fuck, are you a child?” look from my wife when she saw me wearing it. By this time after a couple of runs thru the washer (sans Lestoil) the stain is now part of the shirt, but I can’t throw it out, it still has most of the qualities of a decent shirt. So there it sits with my other shirts like a single bullet in the gun of sartorial russian roulette.